Sunday, April 2, 2006

   If you dont want to hear this then dont listen, you ignorant bitch!
So what is this? It’s the day before my birthday a couple days ago and I cant help but all of a sudden, without having thought of her for weeks, start uncontrollably thinking about how much I want to IM Mia and tell her how sorry I am about what happened and how much I miss her and everything. I... I don’t know what this is. We have caused each other so much pain and have spent a good half f the time we’ve been friends not talking to each other. Why now? Why did I feel I needed this so much? I didn’t and still don’t know. I eventually put these feelings to rest in a most unfortunate way, by telling myself that even if I did do this it would be to no avail. She doesn’t like me, she never did, and I am most assuredly fooling myself. That is what I told myself. These words helping me further to become the voice of decay, rotten and forgotten. I leave my room and go get online now but I can’t stop worrying about the concert the next day. “Maybe if she’s online I’ll IM her and with the bipolar luck I have maybe, just maybe, something really, really good will happen.” I think to myself, though I know I never will. I’m only fooling myself to say that I will. I may get close but I’ll chicken out. Sitting at the computer, I find myself talking to Jade and looking at Mia’s screen name and wondering if I should. She isn’t signed on so it’s even more pointless because she isn’t there to speak with. Then someone up top tries to fill my life with just a little more of that annoying irony. She signs on. I do my best to ignore it but to no avail for she, in about five minutes post-sign on, took the liberty of IMing me. “Happy birthday” it read and I was stunned. For about thirty seconds I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even breath and for thirty minutes I read that message over, and over, and over again. I thanked her and she justified her wishing me a happy birthday, probably feeling a need to defend herself in case something happens and we start fighting again. I thought it was sweet even though it didn’t sound quite as such. The thought was there and that’s all that mattered to me. We both apologized and said how stupid we both were and whatnot. After apologizing there was an awkward silence, which lasted roughly a minute and ten seconds, then I pointed it out and we laughed and seemed to talk more. Like there had been an uneasy presence in the air that we just needed someone to say a bad joke or something just to lift it a little. We talked and all and well, you don’t need to know all of what happened but it made me happy. I was really, truly happy. Only problem is I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I mean is this normal? What does this mean? I guess what I really want to know and am trying to ask is, “Do I love her?” I mean I don’t think I do… normally isn’t there some sort of mystical beautiful feeling associated with that? I mean I don’t really feel that except I do feel that I missed her immensely. Is that enough? Its just that… we fight constantly, we are damn near polar opposites and by all means should hate each other. But… then why is it that no matter how often we fight and all the crap that happens between us we always come back to each other? I wouldn’t do this for almost anyone else. Almost all my friends save a select few I wouldn’t even give the option of coming back to me and if they tried I’d tell them to fuck off and die. I mean when you lose my trust I don’t give it back very easily. Especially with lying which the easiest way to keep my trust with lying is to tell me yourself rather then let me find out. If I find out then you might as well kiss your ass goodbye because I’m done with you. I know maybe 5 friends who I would ever grant a second chance with, a couple of whom I already have but past that nothing. Her… damn I’ve lost count of the times. I mean I don’t even know why! I don’t even like her that much or at least I don’t think I do. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve not wanted to like someone but was actually denying my feelings. I’ve done that once before but that was many, many years ago. So what does this mean? How should I feel about this? I honestly don’t think I love her but, is it even possible I’m wrong? And what the fuck is with the irony! Why is this happening only a few days after the love post?! God damn! Whatever I need to try and get ahold of Meghan about the concert (professional all men’s choir. Three points if you know who it is ^.~) so im going to go now. I might be back later.

Love you all,
~neko-chan ^^
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

choir
ok i hate life right now so if you dont want to read a rant about said topic then FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW!!!

why is it that everytime i feel good about choir or that im doing good and just need a little bit of practice and ill be fine or whatever just am generally good feeling about the whole "choir" thing on a whole, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS! i cant stand this! and why is it that when i try to do well in school some unseen force works against me?! i try and do Geo and my compass breaks or i dont have a calculator. i try and do choir and the teacher gets mad at me or cant help me. everytime with every class if i try and do my work or try and do as people want me to SOMETHING goes wrong...

ok now friends. im really getting pissed at people. if you couldnt tell this you havent been paying attention. i really dont want to cuddle or huggle or WHATEVER god damn! first i hug everyone and try and make everyone all happy and all that bullshit ^^. ok so then people always expect me to be there and give hugs and all but then when i dont for WHATEVER REASON people get mad at me and think im ignoring them or whatever and you know what? its bullshit! i dont have to deal with this shit! its two days before my birthday and im hating life! i really am getting fed up with this. i mean hell i dont need this. people are treating me like shit and im expected to take it with a smile because if i say anything about it either that person gets all depressed and does whatever to themsleves or they get mad at me or WHATEVER but GOD DAMNIT! I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE A LITTLE! i dont want to huggle everyone, i dont want to cuddle with everyone, i dont want to fuck everyone. i want to just be alone a bit! and then when the few people who ARENT pissing me off come around me they dont even pick up on whats going on or if they do they dont want to accept that there is a problem because it might disrupt their own little perfect world! fuck fifteen minutes left. not nearly enough time to finish this rant but itll have to do. i need to find some information for amber and then kill time till five. damn i need my cd player back... hopefully ill be getting that today... anyways goodbye. do i really love you all or do i only think i do?

neko-chan
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topic of the beast: love
what is love? i have yet to feel love really and truely to know what love is. but it doesnt stop me from trying to figure it out. the only problem is that love is supposed to be indescribable so no one can tell me what it is to help me. i like to think that love is something entirely seperate from lust, right? so then why is skrewing with the one you love reffered to as "making love?" should "making love" refer not to a lustful activity but just absolute happiness int he presence of the one you love? a moment of bliss shared with your love that seems to last an eternity? should that not be "making love?"

and whats more is that love at first sight bullshit. admitably you can tell alot about people at first contact. like i can see a person and with a 95% chance of being correct can tell you if id like that person and on what level but LOVE at first sight is just love. you can not tell if you love someone just by looking at them. thats why i like meeting people online so much better. you meet them and see them for more ofwhat they really are then just... their body... this way i can get a better feel for who this person really is. then if you meet that person IN person it has so much more meaning.

ok so what about the one? now im not talking neo either (Me: sorry no matrix here today You: *cry*) im talking "THE ONE." is there really just one person in the entire world, in your entire lifetime that is truely meant to be, like true endless love type thing? ok so say there is one. then what happens if they die before you meet? is there a new one? wouldnt that make it the two though? so lets assume there is this one, right? according to what i'm hearing you should know what love with this person feels like at some point. like you can be friends then one day it just happens and you know it or you see someone and your talking and talking and it sorta clicks so you start seeing eachother as friends then it gets better or something. i dont know. but what do you all think about this? am i just being dumb or what? and is it better to try for love till you find it or just wait till it happens?

personally i feel things for people and then wait to see if the feeling is genuine but it always fades away but i remember the feeling. what i want to know is does it really fade or do i get used to it to the point it blends in. then is love soemthing that blends in? does it ever feel like everyday or is love something that everyday, year after year, always feels the same unbelievable feeling?

what happens when you love a person with all your heart but you also hate the person? most cases like that they always fight till they skrew or are making out. is that not just lust?

ok now that ive stated my views on all that what other things can we pick on? this works better when discussing and when not talking to too many people at once... well i think im going to go but please comment on your thoughts. now i dont want to hear any "oh your right love is a bitch" bullshit because thats not what im saying. im trying to find out what love actually is. hell rant back at me if you wish but come on please tell me your thoughts!
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Friday, March 17, 2006

   pictures
alright i drew these and if anyone knows where i got them from then please say so becuase your my hero lol ^^




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Thursday, March 16, 2006

   hey
nothing new. hate life. in a few days im getting kicked out of my school in a few days... i need a 2.0 to stay in school... the way i see it ill be lucky to get 1.5... this is by third quarter end. heh... why the fuck am i telling this on here? im just telling it to kelsey. she already knows. talked to my teacher whos calss im doing the worse in and am working hard to bring up to a D-... i said is there any chance in hell of me bringing it up to a d- in that one class (i have two classes with her.) but she took one look at my grade. like less then a second and just said one of the fastest "no"s ive ever heard.

saw a celtic story teller at school today. thought it was amazing. i had no friends in the entire room except two who were sitting right next to that... i want to call her hellspawn, sinspawn, bitch, vile demon of the inferno, etc etc... but thats not how i really feel about her... its just what i want to feel about her. anyways i was basically completely alone in that room. but somehow as soon as that lady, Cathryn Fairlee, started telling her tales none of it mattered. i was happy. and it seemed that everyone else was happy too. i dunno... it was nice. anyways i stayed after and talked to her about it and decided... "you know what? i think this may be what i want to do. maybe i could be a story teller." i was happy. i asked her about this. she gave me her email, told me about all this stuff i can do to become this. it would be SO wonderful... i asked a few people what they thought... 1) "hah! oh wait.. your serious? well... uh... you like to talk..." (i only talk when im bored. if im actually FEELING something then im quiet...) 2) "well um... you could take lessons from john!" yeah... i really dont want to do that... john tells stories really well but not in the way i want to tell them. basically everyone was skeptical even though none of them would just come out and say it. well whatever fuck them all. fuck everyone. god damnit! i hate this fucking world! why cant everyone just leave me alone!
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Monday, March 13, 2006

its a work in progress... i dont know how to write music but i want to write this... if i can get it finished...
my life is painted on this tapestry before me. I cant see the world through this shroud of tears! My futures unclear and i just want to let it go. why cant it just, LET ME GO!

why have you chosen me to be at the center of this circle!? why have you chosen me to be the one To DIE TONIGHT! why have you chosen this world to be forsaken?! why have you chosen to LIE TO ME!!!!

why does this world... have to be this way... why does this world... have to go away...
why am i here... on this day...
why am i going to GO AWAY!!!!!

i cant take this world any longer. i know that theres something, wrong in here. i want to go out of this little box of hope, and see the world for whats really there!

why cant you see.... what your doing to me... everytime i try... i always die... at the hands of my saviour... or so you claim!

why have you chosen me to be at the center of this circle!? why have you chosen me to be the one To DIE TONIGHT! why have you chosen this world to be forsaken?! why have you chosen to LIE TO ME!!!! YOU LIED TO ME!!!!

NO I CANT TAKE THIS! YOU CANT MAKE ME DO THIS! I WONT BOW DOWN TO YOUR IDIOCY YOU WRETCHED CREEP! I WONT LET YOU HAVE CONTROLE! YOU CANT TAKE ME! IM NOT YOURS TO PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so then why... did you do this to me... as i lie here alone... borken and without a soul... why have you gone... and done this to me! why cant you just LET ME BE!

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

hey
how are you supposed to feel when you hear that someone has hired people to kill you? what about friends being kidnapped? what if your not sure you believe this but if its true then what? what does it all mean and why cant i figure any of this out? i want to find out im wrong and that the world is a slightly fucked up place but at the same time if thats right then my friends might be in danger. its getting to the point where either im happy and my friends are fucked or im pissed and my friends are happy. why cant anything just be black and white? why does it seem like i have to decide my reality? what the fuck is going on and why is it going on? who in the hell is fucking with me?!
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Monday, March 6, 2006

   yeah... about that...

Which Kagerou Character Are You?

...You poor bastard.
What can I say? You're a freak. Nobody gets you, and you don't get them. You have some issues to deal with in your life that make it hard to keep going, but you're like a nail that just won't be pounded down. Sheer determination and a hearty dose of masochism are all that keep you from falling right over the edge.

Keep in mind, however, that there's such a thing as being too attached to your own pain. There will come a time when you'll need to learn to let go of old hurt before you're eaten alive by it. Your results indicate that you might be helped by therapy--but chances are you're too messed up to take my advice at the moment. All I can recommend is that you do your best to keep your head above water no matter how weird things get, and for God's sake stay away from pointy objects!





well this test is right but i didnt need it to tell me that... Kano is from my favorite webcomic, Kagerou. thank you kelsey for introducing me to it. the main character is like me in so many ways its really really really quite scary. i dont know what else to say to that. check it out some time. www.electric-manga.com

ive been working on this damned report all day. im doing it on a very interesting person, Erzsébet Báthory. she is known as the blood countess and the countess dracula. if that doesnt catch your interest to read up a little on her then well skrew you. shes cool. read about her. period. anywho im hating this because ive got bad music and have been working on this from 12pm to 2am and im almost done, probably sick, have more homework after, and im hating life. yep. now if you want to make my day a little better i would really appriciate a comment. doesnt matter what you say just comment on this or one of the other posts i have on my main page. please. jade you dont count because i know you read this and you dont have an acount to post and im alright with that but the rest of you dont have an excuse! grr! >.< all i want is a little thing saying "hey i read your post." thats it. really. its not hard. something that says im not doing this as a means of keeping in contact with jade. hell i tell her all this as it is! mein gott. if i knew people read this (notice the people not person) then i might actually post every once in a while. anyways ive gone over my break time. ill post again later i guess. thanks. bye.

love you always
neko-chan ^^
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Saturday, March 4, 2006

   childish and a girl... what else is new lol ^^;;

~Naive Angel~

The angel that you shall become is a naive angel.

You must have the soul of a pure child,

because you are innocent and sweet. Shy

around people you don't know, you have

difficulty in finding the right word to say

and get embarrassed easily. You are a bit

sensitive, but with your innocence people

tend to want to protect you. Even the

smallest thing could make you happy.

People see you as...
Naive and pure.

Your element is: Light

Colors: Light pink or other pastels
Wings: bright, seem like they are glowing, soft

edges


What angel shall you become when you die? ~Anime Pictures~
brought to you by Quizilla

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Monday, February 27, 2006

hey all.
hey. yes im still here. try as you might you cant get rid of me. you can only chase me away for a little while. anyways. well judo at the jc is going good. im getting really good. um... did i ever mention that me and some others are working on maybe breaking off from floogelmisen because theyre being assholes? we'll still be floogelmisen but we'll be the real floogelmisen, going back to what it originally was meant to be.

ive been listening to alot of Brand New. they are my favorite band and normally i tell people that my favorite is LP but theyre actually my second fave. normally i keep Brand New to myself but ive decided to be a good fan and spread the music. im probably going to get a song and put it up on here. theyre lyrical gods. hell thats even putting it lightly. one of my friends described them as something like "my chemical romance but with a purpose!" lol. she has a way with words.

i started reading Survivor by chuck palahnuik the author of fight club, lullaby, choke, invisible monsters, and haunted. i think thats all his books. whatever anyways im only on like... page 287 and im already hooked. lol the book starts at chapter 47 and ends at chapter 1, you know, backwards. so im on the equivilant of page three.

um... looks like im finally done with mia. i got pissed and finally told her off. like not normal tell off but i REALLY told her off. so yeah i think its over but i told her basicalyl the same thing i tell her everytime. "you know how to contact me. do so if you want to be an actual friend." i dont know why. i guess i was feeling bad for telling her off quite that harshly but then again everything i said was true and i could tell she knew it was true. she was sitting there insulting me. i never insulted her i just told her off. i may have insulted her once. she had nothing on me. i had been trying to make our friendship work. she hadnt. whatever it doesnt matter. i dont know if she'll come back. if she does or doesnt it doesnt matter. im not taking her back as my friend until we sit down and talk civily(sp?) about all these fucking problems. goddess its so annoying. whatever it doesnt matter.

well... saturday is johns b-day and im anything but ready. i still dont know if i can trust him about any of this. more and more is happening that is just like... like he wants to get in my pants and its fucking pissing me off. whatever it doesnt matter. im getting to the point where i hate all life. *sigh*

started playing RF Online. it kicks ass. im going to write a story about it. maybe if its good someone will buy it. if it hits 300 pages then thats usually a good book sized story. dude that would be nice. im not talking fanfiction i want to actually write a full damn story.i dont know i need to find out more about the story of all this.

i think im gong to play rf now. i want to kill things. as i play im going to jot(ive never typed or written that word before... did i spell it right? hmm... whatever... doesnt matter) down some ideas for the story. anyways see you later.

love you always
~neko-chan
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