Sunday, February 12, 2006

today depression kicks in...
well yeah.. im depressed... so what else is new... fcuk i want to tell you about what happened today in dnd because its funny (well to me at least) but i dont at the same time because im too fucking depressed to give a dam
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Saturday, February 11, 2006

no subject
kill me now
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Friday, February 10, 2006

   DUDE!!!
dude im in the library during school ours researching a school project (its the school library not public) and we were talking about why the teacher wouldnt let us do our report on jack the ripper and i figured it out!

"its because the teacher is secretly related to jack the ripper and didnt want anyone to know and its really just a giant government conspiracy where the government is covering up his true identity which is bush! jack the ripper is bush! XD"

hehe ^^

love you all,
neko-chan ^^
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   uh.... should i find this beautiful?
ok so im in film class and im taking a test and its actually really hard because we dont learn anything in film so we're expected to know this stuff through study and well... ive never studied a day in my life... anyways, so im taking this test and am understandably nervous. i, without realizing it, started doodling on the desk. i started by tapping my pencil and ended up making a dot. then i spiraled out till i get to a making a circle. this was really quite strange for me becasue i made a perfect circle (something i cant do) without looking at it or thinking about it, hell, not even knowing i ws doing it. anyways then i notice that im doing it and am like "woah...o.o.." its i believe some pagan symbol for sun. its an O with a dot in the center. moving on i hurried and finished the test.... last... and went back to my seat. there wasnt alot of time left but i was compelled to do more to it. so i did. and i didnt just do it randomly. i was told what to do. i was told to make swirl like things from the center out. then i made a circle in the center. then added lines and made it an eye. after that i did an eyebrow. then a tear. then a nose... i would have continued but the bell rang. anyways i wanted to show you all the picture (i took pics on my cell because i couldnt very well take the desk.) anyways here they are and I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK!!!! (comment damn you...>>...)

this is the whole thing:





ok now i find that to be insanely beautiful... why? i dont get it. i dont know what you see when you look at that (cami sees a mech's eye for example) but i see a gathering of every hateful and hurtful thing imaginable in all of creation and then add that with all the fears of the world and combine them. make this beat the most horrid thing imaginable. in fact no. not imaginable. its something you could never even imagine, its so aweful. and its been unleashed fully and completely on this one poor girl... and all she wants is it to end.... for it to all just stop... she cant take in anymore... and thats what i see when i look at that... so if i see something so horrible... why do i think its so amazingly beautiful? i dont get it. am i sick? demented? is there something mentally wrong with me? does this make me a bad person? i dont understand. please if anyone has any oppinions do share. though i dont know why im saying this because no one reads this... *sigh...* well anyways i would loe to know what you think about the unfinished face. what it means. what it means to you. anything. and definately if you think its beauty or if ou think somethings wrong with me or both. thank you.

love you all!
neko-chan
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   im confused by this... i was just sitting there and it was like yuri was compeled to write it. what does that mean?
angel dressed in white
shining red sword behind
hidden under a white cape.
"he's here to save me? right?"

transending life to touch the void
in the void i find a river of water
motionless and still framed, i ask
"is this what i have become?"

the angel flies with me
heaven or hell, i don not know
find myself in a dress of silk
shining silver as my heart.

in a temple i walk weightlessly
stepping to the beat of my heart
the dress sways, blinding me in bliss
a red sword has found a sheath of silk.
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Thursday, February 9, 2006

yep
ok so i just got home and im sorry about not posting more the other day but my power was shut off... i wish it was from a car crash... that would be cool... some people may say stuff like "youve apparently never seen a car crash" or something like that but i have. ive been hit by a car while walking across the street and been in a few car crashes. none were my fault surprisingly enough. well ive got alot on my mind lately. my dreams are fucked and not right. the girl ive been trying to get to be my friend for so long im finally tired of letting her just use me and be a bitch back to me. im going to to quit iming her and see how long she takes to im me. note that friends shouldnt have to do this. this is pathetic. i shouldnt have to do this to a friend. friends should care enough to talk with eachother i mean hell! this damned girl expects so much from me but never gives anything in return and i mean its not like i ask the world of her. hell i really dont ask much. all i really want is something. some small thing to say "yes this is the bond we share as friends." but she refuses to give that so you know what? skrew her. when she fixes herself we'll talk and until then she can fuck off.

what else. um.... well i still hate life... thats not really new... oh i talked to nee-chan. that was the highlight of the past good while. i was so happy. it was like just me and nee-chan. no one else. we hadnt talked in so long. she lives in NY and is like really really busy with school and work and stuff. ive missed her so much.

meh you guys arent interested in that crap. well if anyone reads any of this besides meghan and jade id love for you to post a comment. anything. doesnt matter what just let me know that someone for one day actually read this. thank you

love you always,
neko-chan
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Wednesday, February 8, 2006

DREAMS!
ok first one:

met michelle by finding out she doesnt really want much to do with me and that everything shes told me has been a lie and i was ready to pull the trigger then but i just cried alot. oh and i found out because it turned out she went to piner or elsie allen or something and transphered to maria carrillo with me.

ghost in the machine. some kind of ghost in the machine was trying to take controle of people to kill them and of course me *best bloody cop/merc/something (ok im not sure what i was but it was something like that)* but it was like i was its target so it would kill everyone i loved and held close to my heart first then it would kill me. ok so basically it killed everyone then i killed it then i went back in time or something but i wasnt there making two of me it was more of a rewind time thing. then i proceeded to try and kill it while saving people and that wasnt fun and there was alot of death destruction and mayham which is normally fine but not when its happening to me and my loved ones. basically i think it killed the two main people again but i managed to save the others.

there were other dreams but im not telling =P theyre on my vampire freaks account under private entry so if you know about my religion already you can im me to ask for what happened. if not dont bother because i wont tell you.
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Tuesday, February 7, 2006

   dont have long to say this before i get picked up (im at the library)
ok so i took the first half of the cahsee today. thats the california high school exit exam if you didnt know. basically on top of getting all the creds and stuff i have to pass that test to exit high school. no problem. its bloody easy. one problem... essay. i hate essays. the essay we had to do was us writing about the poster we were going to make for a museum's upcoming California: culture and geography exhibit... it was so boring... basically on top of the fact that im slow as all hell it took me extra long becasue i stoped, erased everything, and started over 3 times. then after the fact i revised it a bunch and i didnt get done for about an hour fifteen after school was out. it sucked... i didnt have anything to drink so i was like dying of thirst... my stomach was ready to kill me... still is... ouch... i want food and drink... not fair *wines and complains some more...*

damn my moms here.... oh well ill type more at home i guess... i wonder if i talked about my new judo class in my last post... if i did then oh well.. if not then it gives me something to post about. i might let you all in on what happened this weekend if your lucky (or not lucky if you happen to be eating while you read this. yes... there was a high nastyness level but then again maybe it was just because i saw it in person. its probably not as bad if you just read about it...)

lol i just baffled the librarian XD! im leaning back in the chair with my head up towards the roof and ive got my eyes closed and all and im typing like that ^^. shes like "how do you do that?! your typing while you sleep" and im sitting there thinking "well yeah ive been typing sense i was little kid. o.o.... i would hope i know where the keys are..." sad thing is i type with less errors when i dont look ^^

damn moms going to get mad i have to go. LOVE YOU ALL! even though im probably talking to myself i still love you! \/\/007!

Love and forever yours,
neko-chan
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im... back... again... maybe for good this time? only time will tell i suppose
well alot has happened... alot... i mean a fucking shitload of hell has been let loose, hell spawn and sin spawn mating creating chaos and havoc and causing my life to go down the fucking drain.

aint life grand? >(^_^)¬ <-yes im actually quite proud of my creativity on that...>>...

well i dont really want to talk about most of it nor am i really allowed to talk about most of it. basically im really hating life right now, on of my friends is mad at me because he doesnt understand that when i say "i dont trust you" it means "I REALLY DONT BLOODY TRUST YOU!" its nothing personal. it really istn. i cant make you take it how its meant to be taken so ill say its not personal but if you take it personal...well... not my problem your the one who isnt listening... anyways i dont trust anyone really. you know the whole "i hate the world not nessissarily you just the world as a whole" thing. so ill be your friend but its going to take more then a couple months knowing you before i really begin to trust you. i mean hell especially if your a guy! ive said it before and ill say it again! im sexist against guys! i mean yeah people say "well your a guy" NO SHIT! i hate myself! havent you people gotten that?! i hate everything about me ESPECIALLY the fact that im male! all girls out there! guys are low life, perverted peices of shit who cant do a bleeding thing right and try to compensate for this in many ways none of which are productive or good for ANYONE! admitably! not all guys are like this! yes some are gay- sorry i had to. no some guys are nice but that doesnt make them trustworthy or anythign! do you not remember all the cases with the wonderful boyfriend who was nice, polite, loved by all, perfect guy, who also had a side job of murdering all the girls he would date! come on!

anyways moving on... just had my first judo class... goddess i should have drank some water today... i had like a sprite... all day that was my only drink.. then at 6:30 at night i go for an endurance judo class >.< everyone is seeing me for the first time and i looked like a fool as im about ready to hurl but wait! oh sorry! theres nothing in my stomach to do that with! bloody hell! the room was spinning! though i am proud of myself for pressing on even though it was stupid and none of you should ever do it! its dangerous for your body and bad for your health. *scolds self*.

id just like to point out that im not racist.

i hate everyone equally.

what else can i rant about because i know kelsey will be the only one to read this on my otaku and when i copy past this to vampire freaks meghan and rakuda are the only one who will read it there... goddess im so lonely... fucking hell on valentines day im going to listen to the MOST EMO MUSIC I CAN FIND! im going to make a list and if i remember ill put it up on here. definate song that will be on there is lonely day by system of a down off the new cd Hypnotize. if you havent listened to it then do so. if you dont want to because you dont like them as a band well you suck. if you dont like to because you dont like them because you dont like rock then you need to broaden your horizons. if you dont want to listen becasue you dont have the money then too bad pirate it not that i would ever do anything like that >>...<<....O.O!!! etc etc... i will be celebrating white day as part of the anime club that im treasurer of. basically i dont do anything on v-day. (not that i would anyways. DUH!) but i accept chocolate and stuff and then on march 14th, one month later i repay the debt to all the girls who gave me chocolate. now id like to point out that im only doing this to support my club and any out of club wanna-be-valentines will be responded to with a "get lost i will not be your valentine" is that mean? or is taking a beautiful holiday about love and turning it into a holiday about candy and false hope and shattered dreams a bit mean? is never recieving a true valentine mean? is resentment to the holder of the knife wedged into your back through your spine puncturing your lungs and rapturing (is that the right word?) your heart mean? ok lets make it a nice katana instead of a knife... happy? ok thank you. moving on.

well john seems to have gotten a bit of a grip and so thats one less problem but i still dont trust him fully.

wo what to talk about now... basically im bored so yes im going to rant. if you have a problem then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING A BLOG! WTF DO YOU THINK PEOPLE DO ON BLOGS! THEY BLOODY WELL RANT! so what havent i ranted about that im GOING to rant about... fuck it i really dont care lets see if anyone even reads this besides who i already said...
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Saturday, October 29, 2005

read the message from earlier
that message wasnt half as long as i thought it was gonig to be...
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