Saturday, October 29, 2005

   happy yet.... very very depressed.... wtf?
well im extremely happy because i know nee-chan isnt dead or anything becuase she just posted on her blog a few days ago... now this i find to be rather intresting... why the hell wont she talk to me >.
NEE-CHAN!!!! PLEASE TALK TO ME! I DONT CARE WHAT IT TAKES! COMMENT, TEXT, CALL, EMAIL, IM, ANYTHING JUST CONTACT ME!!!!!

anyways so i proved myself right again lately. i was right not to think of mia as... well read last post... stupid Luke trying to get me to do things i shouldnt. we talked and she thought i was depressed and all because of her but i wasnt (lately! =P ^^) and so we talked and had fun and i felt really really good. *sigh*. she really can make me feel good. she can really make me feel bad, small, minute, tiny, worthless, nonexistent, but good. shes better then me in everything. school hands down, sight, probably gaming, artistic ability, i wouldnt put it past her to be able to kick my ass too, but i wouldnt go easy on her just becuase shes a girl, hell i throw like a girl and proud of it ^^ (remember i do judo <3). -just need to throw this out here: ya i fight like a girl! and ive never met a guy on the streets, at school, wrestler, football player, etc etc that i couldnt beat without dropping a sweat! thank you ^^- but ya she just makes me feel so insignificant that i feel completely unworthy to be touched by the radience of her amazing aura. yet... i never want it to end. its like a drug. its bad for me probably (definately not doing anything for my self esteem) yet makes me feel so good... and the weird (which of course to me is the best) part is... i have no idea why... anyways goddess this post is going to be long... hehe ^^ thank you to all who read it ^^ if you even get this far into it please comment so i can thank you. if you cant comment then email me. my email adress is the same as my MSN messenger account thingy. piro1337@hotmail.com. so ill let you all get back to your lives. i should probably clean my room its the only way i can go to meghan's party and other stuff (Powerman 5000 concert to celebrate the whateverth aniversery of the blazy show on 101.7 the FOX! the rock of sonoma county ^^). well good night all. loves.

ja matte ne ^^
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Thursday, October 27, 2005

   sry i havent posted in a bit
ya ive been pretty busy lately. but im actually doing better then i have in quite a while. so heres whats been hapening

1) mia avoided me like one might avoid stalker
2) she thought of me as a stalker because i tried to treat her the same as i do all my other friends (dude i barely saw her...)
3) i tried to talk with mia and she refused
4) i did something i greatly regret (lying) to get mia to talk to me.
5) we talked, i apologized but let her know that she was the one who started all of this and if she wanted to still be friends ill always be there. (most of my friends say im too forgiving and that they wouldnt have done the same. oh well)
6) my friend lori bitched me out and wouldnt even listen to me. why? because mia told her the lie i told mia thus mia dragged her (and a few others) into this and so great. thank you mia i have lost another friend because of you. oh and the best part is lori had been telling me two nights prior that she hopes mia chokes and dies. now shes treating mia as a saint. WTF?!?!?!?!
7) ive gone on with life.
8) went to cats party and basically forgot about the whole mia problem for a whole day. goddess that was a nice day... not having to think about one of your best friends thinking of you as a stalker just because you tried to do what any other friend would do. not having to think of one of your best friends hating the very essence of your being. ya... it was nice...
9) freshy's party the very next day. in san francisco(sp?). nice long drive with kelsey and meghan. that was fun. saw beach blanket babylon. that was awesome. went back to freshy's house with meghan, kelsey, and our wonderful king, King John. finished the party.
10) went to the beach with john, kelsey, riz, jessi, and allan after the party. left just in time to avoid alot of trouble. tried to decide where to eat diner. john decided to take us out to a very very expencive place. we were all like "O.O!!!!! your taking us where?!?!?!?!" then we got there and found out it was closed on sundays...
11) went out for pizza instead ^^. played arcade games with john and allan. dropped everyone off
12) john was going to take me home but then we went to the park till about 1:45am in his car...doing... things i cant speak of... (i love how aweful that sounds ^^) but sence your all now thinking it i just want to clearafy(sp?) that we did NOT do THAT! we just talked a really long time. it was fun.
13) then we drove to my house and i got home about 2:45am and i havent heard from john sense and its making me worry that maybe... he got lost! *DUN DUN DUN!!!* im sure he's fine ^^
14) next few days: depressed, not depressed, depressed, not depressed. but ya ive been barely even thinking about mia and thats made me alot happier. not because i want to forget her but more because parts of me understandably want to think of her as an "ungrateful, worthless, evil, little bitch!" but i really dont want to think of her that way. i want to remember her as she was when she was my friend. well.. no... that really wasnt much better... but i want to remember how she made me feel... when she was nice to me that is. when she was actually nice to me... that was really nice... when she wasnt... well... nevermind.
15) right now im stowing away in the library during a pointless assembly about drunk driving. of course the idiot giving this speach is a murderer of two of his own friends because he was driving drunk. why do i, the irish dude who hates all alchohol(sp?), need to see this? if i die because of drunk driving then i cant help it. nothing i can do, but im not going to be the drunk.

oh well anyways im going to go check out pointless crap online that i find to be entertaining. for instance: foamy (my lord and master!),rpg world comic, penny-arcade, etc etc. so goodbye and farewell ill be back later probably. love you all.

ja matte ne ^^
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

well aint this just another fucking beautiful night...
ok my parents are fucking jerks who dont listen to a word i say. interupt me at the worst possible time and then block me out at the others. im trying to tell my dad something so he can go to the school coard about it and he understandably is asking questions... not understandably hes asking questions like this:
"so when can you go to class?"
"i cant i dont have time"
"lunch?"
"clubs or chior practice"
"break?"
"food"
"any time?"
"nope"
"ever?"
"if she wants to talk to me in class she can. i dont have time any other time."
"so let me get this strait? you dont have time before class during lunch?"
"NO!"

the fucking idiot... then when i say something not directed to anyone he takes it to him like everything is about him! then he wont shut up for two seconds to let me explain myself! goddess i really hate this house...

on other news i may die if this continues. i cant stand her! everytime i listen to my new ][-][][][\/][ (h.i.m.) cd, DarkLight all i can think of is her! all i want to be with is her! all i even care about is her! when i sit down and try and relax and think i see her face. when i do ANYTHING i cant take my mind off her! i love her and the more i love her the more i hate her! the more i hate her the more i love her! it makes me want to go insane! everytime i try to talk with her its like shes gaurded! like she knows i want to talk with her and is jsut taunting me! i tryied to send an email and it got returned "unable to send"! im so sick and tired of it! everytime i try to seriously talk to her and lay down where my line is and tell her exactly whats going on i see her and cant! when weve talked i always suddenly forget everything! i sit alone and practice my speach to tell her off with. then when i see her i cant remember a thing. i cant say a thing. today when i finally had her alone and all i needed to do is just say the name "mia." and she would have turned looked at me and i could have talked to her. i could have finally done it. the time was perfect. we were away from everyone. no restraints like when were in school. it was perfect. i tried to say it... i tried to say her name... the words... i forze.. i couldnt say it. no sound would leave me mouth. then when i finally thought i could she stopped walking. i was shocked for the slightest second there hoping maybe.. just maybe.. she was going to talk to me... i was hoping against everything...
but no... of course not... she was at her mom or grandma or some older looking womans car and was just getting ready to get in. she didnt care about me. i mean after all, why would she? what am i, to her? i dont care if she loves me back. i really dont. i love her and want her to be happy. im not going to lie and say even for a second that i wouldnt be sad or that i wouldnt be... envious.... over the other guy... but... if shes happy then well she deserves happiness... alot more then i... but.. STILL! she should at least tell me! you cant have a person tell you they love you and then just not care. you may hate them, you may love them, you may just want to be friends, but... to just leave them sitting there.. no answer... no... anything... wont even talk to them anymore... i feel like im being killed everytime i see her.. like a poison laced knife is being thrust into the abyss that was my heart and striking my soul killing me slowly... slowly and painfully... a pain that drowns me with fire from the inside out. a pain not possible on a physical level. a pain so immence that it can not be expressed in words except for impossibilities. every time i see her...

i wanted to tell her at lunch today but she was in drama club with me,protected. so i must die for another night before anything can hope to be done...

suicide, a pleasent sound with a nice smell and a beautiful taste upon my lips. it calls to me. beconning me forward. the longer this goes on the closer i get.
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Monday, October 17, 2005

ok so something big happened earlier but ill explain it later. right now ill do now.
ok so its weird... i hate it but ive always seemed polyamorous. i mean i really hate it. and then this evil vile darkness ive fallen for now that i really dont want to love at all is mesmerizing me to the point that hell i dont even find anyone else attractive. i mean its normal to find others attractive but you know "look dont touch" but hell the only thing i care about is her. and i hate it becasue i hate to love her >.< why me >.<

anyways im writing a sonnet even though i probably cant spell it. sence theres basic rules for a sonnet and then shakespear rules im basicly making my own rules and adding them to sonnet rules. so far i like it. basicly its just another sad angsty emo poem written by a guy who enjoys thoughts of suicide and sweet, sweet release. if thats wrong then fuck you all I DONT CARE ANYMORE!

these seem to be more meant for a sick loved one but im able to adapt them into something i can relate to...

BRAND NEW LYRICS

"Guernica"

Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won. Worry and wake the ones you love. A phone call I'd rather not receive. Please use my body while I sleep. My lungs are fresh and yours to keep, Kept clean and they will let you breathe. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind. Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, so I sat alone and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I'm not writing my goodbyes. I submit no excuse. If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake. If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind. Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, so I sat alone
and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around. I'm not writing my goodbyes. I'm not letting you check out. You will beat this starting now and you will always be around. I'm there to monitor your breathing I will watch you while you're sleeping. I will keep you safe and sound. Does anybody remember back when you were very young. Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?
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Friday, October 14, 2005

well im depressed yet again..
i stayed home all day... no school... sounds nice right? not when youve got nothing to do, no one to be with, no one to comfort you. not when you feel like no one listens, no one cares. hell who is actually reading this? this post will stay on my site for as long as this account lives but i dout anyone will read it... i mean why would they? im just going to sit here and complain and mope and moan like "my life sux" when i realize that my life isnt as bad as alot of other people. but lets look at why? because i have a better education? heh ignorance is bliss! i curse my knoledge everyday im alive even when im not in school! there are things i know that i just shouldnt! how can i be happy when i know that all of life is pointless and can prove it in a way that even christians cant argue with! watch me go to a psychiatrist (i dont even know if i spelled that right but i probably didnt) and find out a week later he commited suicide. anyways heres another reason my life is better. because i dont have to work as much as others. ok. fine. now think about this: when your working you have to pay attention to what your doing so you dont get as good a chance to think or be depressed. you may not be happy but your not actually depressed. my lifes better because im in good health. ya i get to watch the world around me fall in pain and die and i cant do a thing to help let alone properly comfort them because i have no idea what its like to lose an arm, to have an std, to be born with mental problems or anything like that! so ya theyre in physical and mental pain and i have to live knowing there really isnt anything i can do... at all... fun. any of you who arent going to read this know why my life is better?

the post i had modified because i shouldnt have said any of those things, there was song lyrics on there. the song was Seventy Times Seven by Brand New. here they are:

Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
Everyone's caught on to
(and I can't let you let me down again)
everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?!!
Tell me what you got away with!!
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish!!
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids!!
Have another drink and drive yourself home!!
I hope there's ice on all the roads!!
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
then when your head goes through the windshield!!

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
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alone, sad, misunderstood... but beautiful...

Your angel cries due to Lonliness. no one really
understands you and you dont feel you connet to
people on the same level that other people
connect to each. you are the most misunderstood
of all people.you probly dont have many friends
if any at all. this is not a horrible thing.
the most independent of all, your angel morns
for others who cannot understand you. Like your
element: water you are deep and beautiful, but
most of you lies beneath the surface.
Your element:water


Why Does Your Angel Cry.....(beautiful pics)
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sounds about right...

You are the angel of Darkness or Night.
You love the dark, and hide in the shadows of
people. You are considered a loner, and have
few friends. You want to make more friends, but
you don't know how to. You'd rather write or
draw than participate in social events.


What Kind of Angel Do You Represent? (Awesome Pictures!)
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always at least one person...

People see sadness in your eyes. You seem to be
hurt deeply. You may be unhappy because you are
alone or feel like no one cares about you. Or
it may be because something very awful has
happened to you. Whatever the cause, you go
through each day just waiting for night to come
with sweet relief in the form of your dreams.
But you may have even lost hope in your dreams.
Chin up. Things should get better for you and
there is always at least one person who cares
about you. Have hope.(Image copyrighted to
http://Tasuki-no-Miko.deviantart.com/)


What can people see in your eyes?(great ANIME pics)((IMPROVED!!!))
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   im a girl yet again...

your a mermaid! your very calm and cheery, and like
to keep to yourself. you adore water, and are
probably a decent swimmer. you don't like to be
confused, either, and like being in control.


what would you be in a fantasy world? (amazing pics!)
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   i know yuo all probably hate looking at my quiz results but skrew you i like them =P ^^

You want a Beautiful love, soft
but passionate. You are probably very old
fashioned and polite. You can't stand rude
people, wolf whistles are to you only
dis-respective and immature. You love nature
and everything beautiful in life. You will fall
for a guy that makes you forget about the rest
of the world.

Please rate aaaaand... eat chocolate bars?
*cough*rate*cough* ^^

What Love are you Fated for? ~AWESOME anime pics!~
brought to you by Quizilla

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