Friday, March 11, 2005

goddess im really worried about school. Yuri wants me to try harder i no even tho she doesnt say it much. Kamui just thinks im a bloody idiot tho... i think they may hold me back or kick me back to middletown (the only reason im at the school i am at is because they let me through an interdistrict transpher). the bad thing is that thats not even the bad thing... thats like 3&4...

oh well im trying now (in all but math but hey i already aced algebra last year im NOT taking it again just because my geo teach was an ass). i dont no what im gonna do... i need to get community service hours in FAST but no one will tell me whats going on with it! >< even tho i do community service all the time i need it to be approved and they wont approve anythign!

i could easily quit school and become an artist, writer, w/e. its not gonna work... the chains on my wrists and ankles are tying me down. they wont let me go no matter how hard i pull or how much i beg. it could be years before they rust and break.

my mom has a friend whos dying from cancer. it really sux but my moms letting it destroy her life and the virus killing my mom is spreading and infecting me. my mom thinks my life is dam near perfect. i no there are ppl worse off but my life isnt perfect by any means and she has no right to treat me like she does! i dont even get to have a birthday because of her! guess what shes giving me for my birthday?! im getting my wisdom teeth removed! so no party or anything and i already new i couldnt count on anything from them! i mean i dont want gifts i just want to be able to be around the ppl i care about! but i cant do that because im gonna be stuck in my freaking bed! im turning 15... this is the year ive w8ed for... this is the year i decided would be the best year of my life... ill got see michelle this year. somehow. ill got to anime expo this year. ill do things RIGHT this year! i wont skrew up! i wont let everyone take this away from me! well even if i dont let them during the time im 15 i frgt one fatal flaw. i frgt to prepare while i was 14 so things are being taken away now. i have next to no chance of going to anime expo, probably wont meet michelle in person. probably gonna repeat 9th grade. probably gonna get kicked back to MHS. all that and then theres other i dont wish to talk about. GODDESS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!!

i almost wish i had never met cami-chan or anything... if that had happend i would probably still be w8ing to get my first friend and id still be protected. back when i was in 8th grade i met cami-chan and it was my first friend more or less (this is if you dont include michelle who i only know online while cami is in person). b4 i met her i was a cold heartless bastard who cared about himself and michelle. everything else meant nothing. i would get in trouble and i could get in fights and i could do everything i cant do now and not even care (everything save being mean to girls which just isnt right). when i met cami-chan i got friends and i started being nice to ppl and wouldnt get in fights because she didnt like it and all that stuff. but it also means now i have to feel remorse and all that crap! i hate it! ive always hated myself but now its worse and only gets worse. i mean i wouldnt trade my friends for anthign but god why couldnt i still be a mean heartless jerk...

w/e ive ranted enough... ill leave you with some good words:

Part of me won’t go away
Every day reminded how much I'm hated
Weighted against the consequences,
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Want to cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
Wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low cause its part of me
You’ll hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me?
The wounds soon scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this
I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grate on my sanity
I’d rather not even be
Than the man that’s staring in the mirror through me

ja matte ne
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