Wednesday, October 19, 2005

well aint this just another fucking beautiful night...
ok my parents are fucking jerks who dont listen to a word i say. interupt me at the worst possible time and then block me out at the others. im trying to tell my dad something so he can go to the school coard about it and he understandably is asking questions... not understandably hes asking questions like this:
"so when can you go to class?"
"i cant i dont have time"
"lunch?"
"clubs or chior practice"
"break?"
"food"
"any time?"
"nope"
"ever?"
"if she wants to talk to me in class she can. i dont have time any other time."
"so let me get this strait? you dont have time before class during lunch?"
"NO!"

the fucking idiot... then when i say something not directed to anyone he takes it to him like everything is about him! then he wont shut up for two seconds to let me explain myself! goddess i really hate this house...

on other news i may die if this continues. i cant stand her! everytime i listen to my new ][-][][][\/][ (h.i.m.) cd, DarkLight all i can think of is her! all i want to be with is her! all i even care about is her! when i sit down and try and relax and think i see her face. when i do ANYTHING i cant take my mind off her! i love her and the more i love her the more i hate her! the more i hate her the more i love her! it makes me want to go insane! everytime i try to talk with her its like shes gaurded! like she knows i want to talk with her and is jsut taunting me! i tryied to send an email and it got returned "unable to send"! im so sick and tired of it! everytime i try to seriously talk to her and lay down where my line is and tell her exactly whats going on i see her and cant! when weve talked i always suddenly forget everything! i sit alone and practice my speach to tell her off with. then when i see her i cant remember a thing. i cant say a thing. today when i finally had her alone and all i needed to do is just say the name "mia." and she would have turned looked at me and i could have talked to her. i could have finally done it. the time was perfect. we were away from everyone. no restraints like when were in school. it was perfect. i tried to say it... i tried to say her name... the words... i forze.. i couldnt say it. no sound would leave me mouth. then when i finally thought i could she stopped walking. i was shocked for the slightest second there hoping maybe.. just maybe.. she was going to talk to me... i was hoping against everything...
but no... of course not... she was at her mom or grandma or some older looking womans car and was just getting ready to get in. she didnt care about me. i mean after all, why would she? what am i, to her? i dont care if she loves me back. i really dont. i love her and want her to be happy. im not going to lie and say even for a second that i wouldnt be sad or that i wouldnt be... envious.... over the other guy... but... if shes happy then well she deserves happiness... alot more then i... but.. STILL! she should at least tell me! you cant have a person tell you they love you and then just not care. you may hate them, you may love them, you may just want to be friends, but... to just leave them sitting there.. no answer... no... anything... wont even talk to them anymore... i feel like im being killed everytime i see her.. like a poison laced knife is being thrust into the abyss that was my heart and striking my soul killing me slowly... slowly and painfully... a pain that drowns me with fire from the inside out. a pain not possible on a physical level. a pain so immence that it can not be expressed in words except for impossibilities. every time i see her...

i wanted to tell her at lunch today but she was in drama club with me,protected. so i must die for another night before anything can hope to be done...

suicide, a pleasent sound with a nice smell and a beautiful taste upon my lips. it calls to me. beconning me forward. the longer this goes on the closer i get.
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