Sunday, April 2, 2006

   If you dont want to hear this then dont listen, you ignorant bitch!
So what is this? It’s the day before my birthday a couple days ago and I cant help but all of a sudden, without having thought of her for weeks, start uncontrollably thinking about how much I want to IM Mia and tell her how sorry I am about what happened and how much I miss her and everything. I... I don’t know what this is. We have caused each other so much pain and have spent a good half f the time we’ve been friends not talking to each other. Why now? Why did I feel I needed this so much? I didn’t and still don’t know. I eventually put these feelings to rest in a most unfortunate way, by telling myself that even if I did do this it would be to no avail. She doesn’t like me, she never did, and I am most assuredly fooling myself. That is what I told myself. These words helping me further to become the voice of decay, rotten and forgotten. I leave my room and go get online now but I can’t stop worrying about the concert the next day. “Maybe if she’s online I’ll IM her and with the bipolar luck I have maybe, just maybe, something really, really good will happen.” I think to myself, though I know I never will. I’m only fooling myself to say that I will. I may get close but I’ll chicken out. Sitting at the computer, I find myself talking to Jade and looking at Mia’s screen name and wondering if I should. She isn’t signed on so it’s even more pointless because she isn’t there to speak with. Then someone up top tries to fill my life with just a little more of that annoying irony. She signs on. I do my best to ignore it but to no avail for she, in about five minutes post-sign on, took the liberty of IMing me. “Happy birthday” it read and I was stunned. For about thirty seconds I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even breath and for thirty minutes I read that message over, and over, and over again. I thanked her and she justified her wishing me a happy birthday, probably feeling a need to defend herself in case something happens and we start fighting again. I thought it was sweet even though it didn’t sound quite as such. The thought was there and that’s all that mattered to me. We both apologized and said how stupid we both were and whatnot. After apologizing there was an awkward silence, which lasted roughly a minute and ten seconds, then I pointed it out and we laughed and seemed to talk more. Like there had been an uneasy presence in the air that we just needed someone to say a bad joke or something just to lift it a little. We talked and all and well, you don’t need to know all of what happened but it made me happy. I was really, truly happy. Only problem is I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I mean is this normal? What does this mean? I guess what I really want to know and am trying to ask is, “Do I love her?” I mean I don’t think I do… normally isn’t there some sort of mystical beautiful feeling associated with that? I mean I don’t really feel that except I do feel that I missed her immensely. Is that enough? Its just that… we fight constantly, we are damn near polar opposites and by all means should hate each other. But… then why is it that no matter how often we fight and all the crap that happens between us we always come back to each other? I wouldn’t do this for almost anyone else. Almost all my friends save a select few I wouldn’t even give the option of coming back to me and if they tried I’d tell them to fuck off and die. I mean when you lose my trust I don’t give it back very easily. Especially with lying which the easiest way to keep my trust with lying is to tell me yourself rather then let me find out. If I find out then you might as well kiss your ass goodbye because I’m done with you. I know maybe 5 friends who I would ever grant a second chance with, a couple of whom I already have but past that nothing. Her… damn I’ve lost count of the times. I mean I don’t even know why! I don’t even like her that much or at least I don’t think I do. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve not wanted to like someone but was actually denying my feelings. I’ve done that once before but that was many, many years ago. So what does this mean? How should I feel about this? I honestly don’t think I love her but, is it even possible I’m wrong? And what the fuck is with the irony! Why is this happening only a few days after the love post?! God damn! Whatever I need to try and get ahold of Meghan about the concert (professional all men’s choir. Three points if you know who it is ^.~) so im going to go now. I might be back later.

Love you all,
~neko-chan ^^
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