Wednesday, April 5, 2006

read my previous post first or you wont understand!
right ok so i just found out it doesnt say time but you know i did it! >.^.^)> <(^.^<) <(^.^)> ^(^.^)^ hehe ^^ alright so then i went to film and watched a horrid baseball movie. i mean it really wasnt all that bad it just couldnt hold my attention. i mean it was like it wasnt trying. like your supposed to hold onto the movie as opposed to the movie holding onto you. i dont know it just sucked. anyways. so i went home. oh i listened to that The Who album i got. it bloody well rocks! so i get home and i cant go on my dads comp because its sorta broken and hes fixing it. i go on my moms. i hop around on conversations for a while then im mia and we had a nice chat. eventually it got to where we actually talked about what had been bugging us about the other and we decided to talk about it.
....silence....
i was so bloody scared. like i had no reason to be but i was just shaking and it felt like my heart was in a bloody blender i couldnt understand it and... my god it was just like "wtf? why am i so damn scared?" anyways so it went better then i htought and we talked about a bit of things and got it all resolved and i think things might work out this time ^^. then later we were talking and i somehow got a quick tragick splash of depression and i said that i really hope we move soon. then she said something that surprised the hell out of me. "theres a house for sale down the street from me." just a little while ago we werent even speaking and now its like shes asking me to move near her. and that made me very happy. like taking a shot of instahappy it was strange because i began to think about what that would be like. living just down the street from a friend. probably within 5min walking distance. like my first friend was michelle. that was summer before 7th. she lives in NJ. small problem, no? so then in 8th i meet tessa and cami and sensei. then i meet the group in 9th. but like the closest friend i have (physically) is like... 45min-1h walk downhill (lets not talk about hte uphill...) to his house. and i dont even really like him that much. hes a friend but we arent close. but i mean ive never had a friend who lives NEAR me (thus why im always inside and not outside with my friends). but the thought of living that close to a good, close friend... dude thats awesome... indescribable... god its two... im fucked tomorrow. one last thing. so i mentioned my nightmares to mia not thinking that she might want to know what happened in them. so i told her they were on my blog not expecting her to still have my blog. she did... after posting that big ol' post the other day. i asked her not to read that one and felt guilty about it because it feels wrong giving her access to my site then saying "alright you can check out my site but you can only read what i say because i'm to insecure (i think that would be the right word im looking for) with myself as to let you read certain things." i wasnt going to beg her not to read it i just asked her not to and she didnt. i really respected that but felt all guilty about it. the reason i didnt beg was because then its even more guilt and if shes going to read it then shes going to read it. there is nothing i can do to stop her and im not deleting the post. and even if i could stop her i dont think i would. choice is hers. i just hope that if she does read it it doesnt effect our relationship. like im still not sure about all of that stuff and even if it was her like that to me aswell i dont think i would do anything because im not sure. im still all... foggy... im confused. i am lost and helpless and i admit it. and in all truth im probably fucked. but i will find my way if there is a way to find. i just hope it works out for the best. i was just given another chance at friendship with mia and i wouldnt give that up for anything. im not gambling. she might start checking my site now. i dont expect her to but i guess ill just have to wait and see. either way im not going to censor what i write jsut because of that. *you: you already did. me: shut up!* anyways i need sleep.

love you all
~neko-chan
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