Thursday, March 25, 2004

Oh yeah
I remember one of those fun thoughts I had.

Ever get the feeling that you've been doing something all your life? Like today I was at a Colloquim, and it felt like I'd always been there, and would be for some time to come.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Gah
Loooong day. Loooong.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Ick
Dreamed I had some sort of IV thing break in my arm, and then had blood squirt all over the place. ><
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

So..another day.
What was I talking about last time? I think I covered everything I wanted to say..which leaves me with nothing to write about in these fifteen minutes.

There were a few thoughts I wanted to record, but they have eluded me. Meditation wasn't bad tonight, surprisingly enough. A bit of a trance. Nip/Tuck is/was on. ^^

Well...ladeedadeedadeedadadadammit. Land mines on a righteous trail.
Comments (0) | Permalink

I fell
Asleep, that is. While trying to meditate last night. Had a dream that was weird, but I can't remember what it was.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

As I was saying
The really interesting stuff doesn't come until 8 months ago. Roughly, anyway. It's a mental thing that's sort of hard to describe. It's not the harsh, cold, apathy that I had before. It's a mellow, fluid, harmonic sort of non-chalantness. Apathy isn't the right word for it at all. I just take things as they come. Deal with them how I see fit. Rarely does anything rock my boat. Really, it's like; Whatever happens, happens. I know I'll make do with what I have, I know I'll get by. I never let anything tax me, but nor do I get too careless. Scheduling and applying for college and all, that, I never let myself worry about it too much. It was a horribly important decision, but I forced myself, made myself, not worry about it. Even now, I find myself picking courses that sound fun or interesting, I'm not going out of my way to fill requirements. But they fill on their own. Things just fall into place. That's how everyone should be.

This is not to say that I'm perfect, or I never get angry. I do. Certainly. But I don't get pissy for a week anymore. Even getting my car broken into only made me angry for about half a day. Sure, I'd still punch the guys in the face if I saw them, but hey, who wouldn't?

And about that will too, how it's pretty rock solid. I'm not sure when that came about, but it's pretty strong. Again, to use a Bruce Lee/Spike reference, it's like water. It can fit anything. Smooth one moment, making pretty waves, or crashing into you like a bleedin' tidal wave. Fun shit. I don't know if I've really scratched any sort of mental surface or anything..but I don't really care. It's the sort of thing that has to be experienced.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, March 22, 2004

Inside we're black as pitch
A thought that occured to me while meditating. We are all dark inside. Our hearts are black, just like our lungs, our stomachs, our brains. All black. Kind of creepy.

Anyway. I don't think there can be any more putting-off of this, so here goes.

The core of my entire personality where it is now starts with, as all things seem to, Erin. Before I actually went out with her, I was 14 or 15. The seeds of rebellion had only just started to take root. I was getting annoyed with my home life, but it would not have progressed had certain situations not arisen. Oddly enough, my Christianity at the time was the major power involved. My father's being divorced, giving me an opportunity to "reunite" with him was second. These events allowed me to move out, spread my wings, and get me started. After that, it was Erin who introduced me to everything from the color black to my favorite bands. So with her I start to reject everything everyone says to me. I reject society, people, virtually everything except her and God. And eventually I rejected the latter. Anyway. Fast forward through the very content period of my life. Erin breaks up with me. I just shatter. Everything grinds to a halt. I'm depressed for damn near half a year, but I slowly regain my footing. I stop relying on others, and just look to myself for everything. I start doing things my way, and just accept whatever comes at me, deal with it from there. When I want to make an active decision, I do. When I want to be passive, I am. Fluid like water, baby. That takes us up to about 17-18. Get to the rest later.
Comments (0) | Permalink

This is yesterday
Gotta make up for not doing a journal entry last night. So, dreams, right? I'll go off topic and get the dream thing out of the way. Since starting the Buddhist thing, I've had only three dreams that I can remember anything from. In one, I was at work, during the Summer, I think. Regular work day, although slow as hell. The dream part was that I was missing part of my left arm. Or maybe most of the hand, because it seemed like I could still grab things. The other one involved sex, I'm not gonna go any further with that..

And the last one was just last night. At first all I could remember is that it took place within the span of an hour, since I'd woken up at 6:40 or so, and then finally woke up at 7:42. All I can piece out of that one is that something big happened, considering it took place in an hour; something ended. But through the morning I think I remembered that I had another dream involving one of my ex-girlfriends. Don't I have all the luck.

I've missed two days of meditation. One I was just bloody tired for, and the other, I wasn't in the mood for meditation. My car had gotten broken into and someone stole the stereo, and a bunch of change (of all things.) They could have done alot worse though, probably heisted a total of a thousand dollars worth of stuff. But they didn't. Still, it was enough to throw off any positive karma and such I had for the rest of the week. The new Get Up Kids cd was in the stereo, and it was soooo good. Funny thing, I witnessed a hit skip while I was getting ready to leave, and the officer who took the report had just pulled away. Managed to flag him down and get on the kids. T'was funny.

Should probably talk about the chanting session from earlier in the day too. That was pretty nifty. I almost immediately fell into a trance when we started, and that lasted for around ten minutes. REM, and that sensation of vertigo, intense spinning. The fun part is when it only feels like part of your body is spinning. Got so bad I had to open my eyes and ground myself, which kinda ended the whole trance slowly. But I don't think that was the sort of environment for mysticism, I mean the REM was probably enough to freak some people out. Sophia apparently has more effect on my than agape. Makes sense.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, March 19, 2004

Shit damn
Just remembered, in the dream I had last night I lost part of my left arm.
Comments (1) | Permalink

Thursday, March 18, 2004

I really don't want to write right now
But I have to. I'm getting bugged by whatever clan shit screwed with me two nights ago. What makes a bunch of pre-pubescent gothic kids get so angry at society that they need to pick on AIM users? So bloody stupid.

Okay, so on to more...something. I said last time that I would try and discuss how I've changed in the past several years. To the casual eye, it may seem like I haven't changed besides several inches of height and pounds of muscle. I mean, three years ago I was an apathetic pseudo goth, listening to loud music and reading Anne Rice. Now, I'm a seemingly apathetic pseudo goth who listens to loud music and reads Nietzsche. I don't wear any more black than a shirt and leather jacket, but I suppose my disposition relegates me to the goth category by default. I am not, however, mad at the world. I don't like most people, but I think that's pretty common. I'm relatively content with my life, little lonely, but nothing I've never dealt with before. Well, since I got sidetracked, I'm gonna pretend I didn't, and times up. ^^ See you tomorrow.
Comments (0) | Permalink