Wednesday, June 17, 2009

   Cancer In Brain
My anger is a horrible stain,
It makes me laugh at the broken people
It makes me say the most unsympathetic things.
My friend’s grandmother has a stroke
But it wasn’t you who had the stroke, so why do you care?
My anger is a horrible stain is a curse is a cancer eating my brain.
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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

   Facing Up
So here I am, slightly bereft, wondering just what sort of ideas people really have of me,
When they break things off as much as I do,
Do they feel hatred?
Does it sting them?
Do they have to get their own back and strike me?
Do they think I want to see their pictures?
Their happiness?
Their new girl?
Their...rebound?

I don't want to touch, to see, to feel, to hear, to know just how happy they become,
Because that's not what I have for me now,
Does he even know?
Does he have more?
Than just a cold and stupid ignorance,
That slaps me in the face,
Shocking me with sheer stupidity,
And you know?
I feel. ....betrayed.

There are rules to this and he's flied in the face of every single one of them,
Telling me he's sleeping with his new girl,
Telling me that she's not going to keep smoking,
A filthy Hypocrite!
If I'd smoked when we dated, he would've broken it off,
But he goes to her,
"I saw a chance and I took it."

No.
You just didn't want to have to face the pain of being single by yourself,
So you ran to the nearest female that wasn't a drug addict,
Or dating a 40 year old,
Or on crystal meth,
I think you need new friends.

So here I am, and I've seen his 'pictures' that he showed me,
Just to make me feel 'happy for him' when in reality they choked me,
With angry bitter sobs,
Grabbing my throat with two hands,
Wrapping me in a sort of hollow grief,
And now here I am,
I didn't want to cry,
I don't want to feel,
I don't want to care.

Most of me doesn't want to do this,
But there's a hideous, ugly part of my soul,
That wants to hate,
To take my bitter revenge,
To become Medea,
To feel the hot burst of blood from the heart,
So my pain is realized.

He's choked his pain so he won't feel it anymore,
But we all know,
It'll come bubbling up to the surface again by another name,
With another face,
And someday he'll know my pain,
And suffer as I have suffered.

But not by my hand,
I will not be the one to be pathetic,
To be as small as him,
And I will hide my pain,
Cloak it in indifference as he's done,
And be the adult in this annoying situation,
And that way I will be above the petty reproaches,
Of people I know.

Because after these words fall to page,
I am myself after all.
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Sunday, July 15, 2007

   Rats.
So I have played FF 12 for awhile, as in I just discovered the wonder of the Gambits...and that delicious virea...and I have one thing to say.

GIVE ME BACK MY SPHERE GRID!!!

Bathier is a stupid mincing fop. He's a fairy for goodness sake, and that whole facade he puts up about how he's a ladies man is just so he's not suspected. Gah! *flashes middle finger at him* As for Vaan... ...if that's how thieves these days are dressing, I wonder how he ever manages. Additionally... Penelo is about as annoying as the girls on their cell phones in crowded places that just won't hang up.

Moving on to more sobering and realistic news, my landlady, Anne is missing. She stepped out of her house and hasn't been found. She's barefoot and has no phone, keys, or wallet. She's five months or so pregnant, and nobody has found her. If they have, I really hope someone calls me. Her best friend came here this afternoon while the real estate agent and I chewed the fat and waited for nobody to show at the open house. She was in a panic over Anne, and I caught that, even as she remained calm, I could feel her getting a tiny bit hysterical around the edges. And now I've caught it too. Just because I owe her oodles of money all the time, doesn't mean I'm not worried sick about her too.

It's only a matter of time before she's discovered alive and fine, or sick, or dead. A friend suggested she had cabin fever, and maybe she did. She was always blathering about how the baby slowed her down and kept her doing boring things, but she always said that she didn't mind so much. Shows how little I care eh? I'll keep you all posted. All six of my readers that is...
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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

   NYAH!
Got a headache, wanting to mangle a few mutated beasts in FF 12 but I have homework. Good news is that I got my 9 hours of almost straight sleep last night, which felt SO good I could hardly bear it.

However, there is news that has lifted my quite depressed mood. Among the first of these is my successful trip to Target. I coughed up 26 dollars to get a squigee, a shower caddy, a wastebin for the bathroom, bottled water, four cans of soup...and Kix! Silly Rabbit. Other things that involve my improved mood is the film 12 angry men. It made me happy and sad at the same time. Parts of it made me laugh and parts made me want to cry a tiny bit. And then there's the portion with Jack Klugman and the switchblade that made me cream myself. I love switchblades in movies when they're not being specifically used to kill.

KILL!

Anyway I made soup for lunch today after a breakfast of serious gatorade. As in 2.5 servings. It actually served its purpose and now I crave more, even though I HATE it. It tastes so... ...bad. But it perked me up and it quenched my thirst, even as my tastebuds roiled with rage and hatred for me.

So now I'm hungry again, although to be honest, it's been 3 hours since my last meal. I'm also sweaty and I have homework based on the movie, which I guess I'll do. But funny thing was, before we actually watched 12 Angry Men in my speech class, we had to also watch a movie on speech writing and preparation. I dozed through all 25 minutes of it, mostly because it was so pathetic and moronic that I could hardly take it. The dialogue in pornos is better. And I mean that seriously. At least there's something to show for it in the end, but this speech written by a motivational speaker, just injured my soul. And the notes we took afterwards and the handout that accompanied it, just wounded me further.

Oh the horror! The PG-13 horror!
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