Tuesday, June 26, 2007

   Ai me.
So I'm going home soon. I've cleaned and done laundry and folded dozens of towels and sheets and made beds and taken care of small and squirmy children. My mom is still in Milpitas, while earlier was in the San Francisco getting a Chinese Visa so she could work there this summer. Annoying I know, but I had to wake up early, feed Kayla, sunscreen both of them and drive to Newark Memorial High School for their swim classes. On a happy note, I was able to make calls, and work on my tan for about 50 minutes. That and I was able to drive like a maniac. The fun of course didn't start until later.

Turns out there was a short power outage that took out the automatic garage door opener, so I had to parallel park a minivan on the street, which was rather difficult if I do say so myself, not because I'm awful at it, but because I've been driving a car the size of a shoe box for the past five years. Oh well. I managed anyway, not that the kids were very helpful. So then we realized that we couldn't open the fridge while the power was out for the sake of keeping things cold, so I sliced apples, pulled out chips and fish crackers and told them to drink tap water. Annoying I know, but just as I was reaching for the box of candles, the power surged back on and I had to run around, resetting clocks. Whatever.

So then after chips with salsa and apples with freshly sliced cheese, we've been doing nothing much. I've been vegging on the computer, mom called and said she'd be home an hour ago but I'm not in much faith over that. The good news is that I'm not wanted at Berkeley until 4 this afternoon. I'm glad about that because I have no faith in my mom coming home on time. My grandma is with her so I'm not expecting anything short of total disaster. Around 9 I'm similarly booked, but whatever, it'll happen when it happens. I'm in no major rush and the traffic is relatively light. It should take me half an hour for both ways. Maybe more on the way down because I'm planning on the return around 8:30, which won't be horrific I don't think. We will see in the end, now won't we?

Whatever, I'm ready to go back and pack when I'm needed. And I move out roughly June 30th, then go out with a friend later.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, June 21, 2007

   *smirk*
So it's so blinking cold out here in the kitchen and my nipples are so hard they'll put someone's eye out. Of course this might be related to the stiff breeze, the open windows, the flimsy singlet and light cotton capris I'm wearing. Oh don't judge me. I'll go change eventually, but right now I can't be roused into unsticking myself from the chair that I've planted myself in. I've been playing more neopets, seeing friends, seeing the old neighborhood, and shit has gone to the dogs.

Not quite literally, but literally enough. Old Alva's pretty much destroyed the neighborhood I appreciated at one point, and East Palo Alto is still East Palo Alto, but with more violence than I recall from high school. I hear Rochester gangs beat us West Coast people in body count, and some of the local gangs are upset about that. There's also a pair of twins in Fremont out to make a name for themselves by being stupid and evil and carrying handguns and knives everywhere. Posturing mostly and the only thing to fight over in this section of the Bay Area anyway is turf. How appalling. Anyway I'm eating great and my body is slowly returning to normal. Less headaches and stomach aches, and while the food isn't perfect, there is plenty of it.

My friends that aren't out on coke or in other countries/counties, are doing fine. I've got invites for a party, a weapons deal, a BBQ of nerds, and a tattoo party. Who knows? My dancing card isn't full yet, which is good, gives me time to mindlessly spend in front of a computer or writing or nonsense like that. So it turns out Starter Wife is on USA tonight but Dad hasn't ordered it, so I have to wait until it shows up again later some other time. Or maybe my friends have TiVo. Or maybe I can do it on Mom's directory on her iTV thingy. OR something like that. Gosh if I know. But I have until 6 p.m. tonight. Eastern times stink. I hate having to do math even tiny boring little calculations.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, June 17, 2007

   Swinging.
Just like being alone, I am single again.
Fun isn't it, with the crying and the sobbing and the agony.
Losing isn't the best of feelings, and the twisting in my stomach is the first sign.
That I'm in for it again.
Ice the heart over so nobody knows.
Feel the sting that burrows under the flesh.

Dull it, have to dull it, with rum.
And vodka, and beer, and cider, and anything left out.
With a double shot glass, I take myself out.
Feel the warmth ripple in the stomach.
Sear the throat on the way down.
Rend the chest apart, feel the warmth coursing through the veins.
Reach for the salt, have to get rid of the taste.

Feeling it muttering in the back of my throat.
Tears that choke and rend and rip the heart out.
I feel broken and empty and drained and soulless.
Ice the heart over so nobody knows that I'm drowning myself.
Two shots in, I double over and wonder.
Why my vision keeps blurring over.
Looking through a watery world it finally dawns on me.

And I burst into the endless cycle of tears and frustration and emptiness that drowns out my protests. Instead of alcohol I cry the salty tears that remind me my heart isn't ice yet. Have to dull the pain. Empty it out. Purge the thoughts. Purge the feelings. Fight that lonely feeling that settles in. With Led Zeppelin and Seagram, I'll come back up swinging. They tell me I'm strong.

My friends tell me I am strong.
That I can pursue the goal without wavering.
But hell I am wavering.
The alcohol reminds me.
That I have to dull the pain and the taste and the sting and the sorrow.
And I will come up swinging.

I am me after all.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

   Life Changes
So I was thinking about how unhappy I was in the middle of the three days before my period when I realized that I was taking out all my frustrations on my parents. Of course I realized this after I started shouting at them over the phone somewhere between the bad behavior and the discovery that I was driving while crying and feeling like a cent with two holes in it. So I've decided to talk to my counselor tomorrow afternoon and discuss options of pulling out now that I've completely knocked out all my breadth requirements and go to CSU San Bernadino or CSU Fullerton. Where there are many jobs, the housing is cheaper, and I don't have to hand pick all my classes and hope they don't conflict or aren't six miles away from each other on campus.

I've also been thinking about work that I want to do, and the future, and I see the future. I see a Liberal Arts Degree. Maybe a teaching one. A single bedroom apartment. A clean car without the crack in the windshield right in my line of vision. A pet snake in the closet that likes to eat mice and be good the rest of the time. Maybe a very large boa constrictor that will completely dominate my living room. Place to play DDR without falling into the bed or the wall on the other side. Maybe even covered parking for my poor car so it doesn't get dirty five days after I help clean it. Living closer to some of my friends.

Oh well, I can think about these thoughts anyway now that finals are done. If you'd like to hang out with me, you know my number, you know where to find me, you know how to get in contact with me. Of course if I hate you or don't know you, it's not a good idea to try hanging out with me. You'd probably just get maced and kicked while you're curled up in a fetal position, crying on my doorstep. Yes, I do have elaborate fantasies about these things. No, I haven't sought help yet. Stop looking at me like that! Don't be a playa hater! I swear I get enough sleep at night and proper nutrition. I swear!

And now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go do more neopets, possibly eat some apples and cheese, and keep listening to the band that I would love to hate, but can't. Sheer volume makes everything better.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

   In the War Room
Hello Quinn,

I'm a U.C.I. Junior, god help me, and an Arts and Humanities [that's Dance and History] major.

I listen to your show on iTunes religiously, partially so I have something to do for two hours of my day and otherwise so I’m up to date on current events and can hold my own against left-wing psychos mooning around campus. The barricade across the main road on campus showed a defaced Jewish flag and poor Palestinian children and women painted on a huge and annoying board wrapped in mock barbed wire. I did the smart thing and lopped around the parking lots for the entire week so I wouldn’t have to go near the abomination, much less get within earshot of the radical speakers that came to campus every day around lunch time.

Also, while our campus was visited by Walid Shoebat, Kamal Saleem, Zachariah Anani, the turnout was miserably small. I think that this has something to do with the hostile climate on campus and the ineffectiveness of the College Republicans on campus, who are currently under the limp-wristed leadership of President Brock Hill. More information about the three speakers is found at: http://www.3xterrorists.com/

After the week in which the MSU held their “Holocaust in Israel” and “Anti-Apartheid Week” nonsense, the U.C.I. Administration shot back at the critics like me and you with a very lame and barely noticed “TOLERANCE” event in the park. To show U.C.Irvine’s commitment to tolerance, about 300 “committed peace activists” held hands to show their love of happy fuzzy bunnies and religious freedom. We all know the administration doesn’t give a rat’s ass about religious freedom on campus unless it’s Islamic freedom and so on and so forth. Furthermore, when MSU students accused the FBI of trying to run them over at a “protest” the school waxed indignant that the FBI would dare to keep a group of students that wear shirts that say “UCIntifada” under a watchful eye. As one of my calm and normal Muslim friends said: “If they’re chanting “Death to America” “Death to Israel” they deserve what they get.” I couldn’t agree more. Too bad I’m hip deep in my major requirement classes and an ocean of student loans.

Keep spewing the truth, I lap it up every day.

D’Ann
Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, June 3, 2007

   Drugs or ME?
"For this assignment, I have decided to research the modern dance master, Martha Graham. My goal is to better understand how she was treated in the media, with a focus on the critics’ view of her art. I am curious about what her critics thought about her art form, whether they thought it actually an art form, and how she felt about what people said about her. I’ve always been interested in finding out what Martha Graham meant when she called dance a “graph of the heart.” Therefore, I want to discover what was really meant by that and what people said about her from city to city and country to country. I know she was popular in New York, but how did people feel about her elsewhere?"

Yeah, that's as far as I've gotten with the miserable crap that I commonly refer to as that paper for that bitch in that class that I hate. Of course I have a title page, annotated sources, and a mildly incomplete bibliography. I'm ready to KILL. As you might imagine though that isn't a viable option at this point, as my paper is due in less than 24 hours. Good news is that I've spread out my papers over my desk which is a sign that I won't be resting easily until they're all done.

In other news, I've fed a kad, vacuumed, showered, eaten, and am now exhausted. I'm ready for a bloody nap. I can tell because my eyes aren't working properly anymore. I can tell you though that after this I will be gaming until my hands fall off.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

   A Few Shorts

The fastest way to ensure the adoration and obedience of annoyingly loud guests in your apartment is to give the 18 year olds alcohol. They will not only think you're hotter than you really are, but they'll also sing your praises and shut up when you tell them to.

If you think UC Irvine is a place that needs tolerance, one should remember, always, that the point of studying at a college campus is not to have conformity and acceptance shoved down your throat. The point is to question the basic drive behind people saying UCI needs to "reaffirm" their stance on acceptance and love and cuddles and all that blather.

UC Irvine sells Cruelty? By not using cage free eggs? You're telling me you'd tramp through a field and possibly trample a dozen eggs while looking for the range free ones in the first place? Shut up and eat your breakfast dumbass.

Don't you think for a second that just because you found me on myspace that I'll be interested in being your friend. Especially if you're under the age of 16 and over the age of 26. That's just creepy

Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, May 21, 2007

   Good News People
Okay okay okay, I'll admit it. You've caught me. I was in fact listening to a Franz Ferdinand song. Yeah, that catchy one that's on the radio 24-7. But right now it's more of a country radio station than anything else. I think the people who own this cafe are slightly insane. In other news, I've finally discovered how to do the first portion of my homework. Calculating a two way ANOVA, which is by the way short for analysis of variance. It's a pain in the ass, especially because we'll be using nothing but pen, paper, and what the professor says is supposed to be a "cheap calculator." I of course will be using my handy dandy high school nostalgia TI-83. Hasn't failed me yet.

If I failed it of course, it was the time I had a midterm and forgot spare triple A batteries. Ah the agonizing pain. Anyway, there's not much else to report. It's quiet and gloomy and dull and actually quite cold outside. I'm actually a little chilly. Jeans, leotard, and long sleeved shirt. My hair, in all of it's mop-like glory, is keeping my head warm more or less. My gaming has been less than successful, but I did finally watch Moulin Rouge last night. I think it would've made more sense if I had about a gallon of asbinthe in my system, but the good news is that I already had the soundtrack from my old dancing days in high school. I knew all the lyrics. How sad.

So now you can find me doing a shadow tango down the halls of the arts school humming Roxanne to myself. It also occures to me that it's too quiet in this cafe. Ah, they cut out the radio. whatever. In other news, I'm sleepy and nostalgic, and it looks like rain but I doubt it'll actually rain like I want. Of course I have no rubbers, no coat, and nothing to protect me from a drop down knock out cold. Bring it on I say. Nothing like a dehabilitating illness to stir me into action. But anyway, I have African dance soon, and feeding the Kads on Neopets has been going badly, but they're finally starting to ask for items I stock in my inventory again after two days of sheer nothing. Caelus, my feeding partner, and I are both starting to go a little batty. At least we have each other to vent on. In a purely aim way you realize.

Anyway, I've got a bit of a headache, but I'm sure the jambe druming will make it worse. Here is to exacerbation of problems already present in my physiology and anatomy. Kill them all! Cut them down.

Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Corruption, Confusion, Mayhem. It’s everywhere.
Just when I thought things would calm down for the week, controversy started running rampant. Let’s start with MSU’s appalling display of idiotic statements and falsehoods. Even my liberal friends are amazed at the accusations leveled at the state of Israel. Finally, my friends and I have united on a controversial issue. Accusing Israel of genocide, bringing Ward Churchill to U.C. Irvine, bringing Jimmy Carter to U.C. Irvine, all mistakes, completely disingenuous. Nothing good can come of lying about Israel except perhaps me feeling a new kinship with friends that might not agree with me on most issues. At least they know how to recognize a Holocaust when they see one and a lie when it’s slapped in front of them every time they try to get to class.

Moving on to Greensburg, Kansas. After the devastating tornado, Governor Kathleen Sebelius got on the news to say that the Iraq war had taken all of her supplies and troops away. In truth, she had more National Guard at her disposal than was necessary to clean up after the disaster. But you know liberals, any opportunity to politicize something and blame the President while simultaneously damaging the war effort? They can’t resist. It’s completely inexorable. After telling this little beauty of a lie, she denied that she had in fact been doing the bidding of Howard Dean and the Democratic National Committee, while receiving direction from Senator Dick Durbin. Senator Brownback of Kansas(R), interested in running for the Presidency in 2008, covered up this appalling display, perhaps hoping that there was an endorsement in there for him. Of course, Governor Sebelius denies that there was any cover up and went so far as to viciously attack the people that first broke the story on Sean Hannity’s show. Ah yes, you shall obey or we will pursue legal action with our… …TEN THOUSAND LAWYERS! You will confess! You will retract! Naturally Conservative Radio gave her and her lawyers what was coming and did not retract, or change their story but instead said they’d be happy to start the depositions. Chances are this story will die down, until of course Senator Brownback decides he wants to run for President and it’ll all come pouring out again.

Another thing, how is it that ASUCI manages to ever get anything done, when it’s run the way it is? The elections being a complete screw up and the number of people kicked off the list because of failing to accurately record their spending and turn in their reports? A nightmare. I found myself accosted at every turn by people with clipboards wanting to re open the deliberation over the people who lost their positions. Granted, I signed away, if only to get them to leave me alone. And according to a source within the College Republicans, corruption can be found within the local conservative club just as you’ll find it in any bureaucracy. It’s like a nepotism, only the leadership isn’t related. So maybe the College Republican leadership is more like one big happy oligarchy. Every person that was previously in the leadership was elected unanimously again. Nothing has changed, and membership within the club appears to have come to a standstill, with nobody really interested in joining, and nothing happening in the way of successful recruitment either. The club has not sponsored any major events, nor anything to attract attention outside of a very small Affirmative Action Bake Sale last quarter that raked in a grand total of $3.00. Amazing isn’t it? Another event involved a “debate” between Young Democrats and College Republicans. Naturally it turned into a boring event with perhaps three topics total and poor moderation. There was no strong leadership taken on the part of President Brock Hill, or even anything worth mentioning that happened within the debate itself except some Republicans re-discovering the complete insanity of liberals on campus. I’m dismayed at the stagnancy of the College Republicans as well as disappointed in the leadership’s inability to take action. Perhaps something will change. But so far, this past year has been one big nightmare of corruption, confusion, lies, cover-ups, and mistakes.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

   And STILL more good news...

Here I am listening to some indeterminatly emo but still somehow good music at the CyberA cafe. I'm a little sore, and a bit sleepy, and god knows my had is falling off from the midterm in Dance History, but I fed three kads on neopets today...so it's a good day. Regardless of what might happen, I can now utilize that famous blind optomism I have... ...er... ...very deep down inside me and dance around like nothing is wrong until of course tomorrow rolls around. I turned in my paper for African Dance after banging it out on Word in under five minutes. Yeah, I'm just that amazing, that and I already knew what I wanted to say.

It went like this: "Inner Web was a raw, sensual dance, superb in its flowing sexual movements and raw energy. The use of deep trance music symbolized the amazing erroticism that flows from the circle of female dancers draped upon each other like an amazingly beautiful orgy."

And I'm sure they'll just lap it up over there in the office. Poor things are starved for sex. Anyway, I've been sticking to Dark Cloud on PS2 and Futurama late at night when I need a good cartoon fix of lameness. Other works include ...er.. ...nothing really. I've been laying low mostly because I've been lazy and or otherwise occupied. The drug trial I was in was hereby cancelled by me because I couldn't stand the taste inserting itself into everything I drank or ate. It made Josh's birthday cake taste like funk. WAAAH!!!! So no money a year from now for me, but let's face it, the stuff tasted like black death only in a nasal inhalant format instead of in black pustules all over my body.

How awful was it? Try chugging a bottle of jack mixed with vermouth and see how you feel afterwards. Only you can kill that taste with other flavors. It's been 24 hours since I last dosed myself and I can STILL taste it in every bottle of purified water I decide to drink. I may as well just end myself right here. Bleh. It's amazing how bad it is, and when they said it wasn't very good, I had no idea they meant it was this bad. Ah me, I suppose I'll survive. As for money making schemes, I mostly have none going on right now. But I do have hopes that they'll call me back at Addeco, either that or I'll kill myself. It's really quite a simple equation. Money equals D'Ann happy. Lack of money equals D'Ann's imminent suicide. There, that'll fix them

Comments (0) | Permalink