Wednesday, July 25, 2007

   Facing Up
So here I am, slightly bereft, wondering just what sort of ideas people really have of me,
When they break things off as much as I do,
Do they feel hatred?
Does it sting them?
Do they have to get their own back and strike me?
Do they think I want to see their pictures?
Their happiness?
Their new girl?
Their...rebound?

I don't want to touch, to see, to feel, to hear, to know just how happy they become,
Because that's not what I have for me now,
Does he even know?
Does he have more?
Than just a cold and stupid ignorance,
That slaps me in the face,
Shocking me with sheer stupidity,
And you know?
I feel. ....betrayed.

There are rules to this and he's flied in the face of every single one of them,
Telling me he's sleeping with his new girl,
Telling me that she's not going to keep smoking,
A filthy Hypocrite!
If I'd smoked when we dated, he would've broken it off,
But he goes to her,
"I saw a chance and I took it."

No.
You just didn't want to have to face the pain of being single by yourself,
So you ran to the nearest female that wasn't a drug addict,
Or dating a 40 year old,
Or on crystal meth,
I think you need new friends.

So here I am, and I've seen his 'pictures' that he showed me,
Just to make me feel 'happy for him' when in reality they choked me,
With angry bitter sobs,
Grabbing my throat with two hands,
Wrapping me in a sort of hollow grief,
And now here I am,
I didn't want to cry,
I don't want to feel,
I don't want to care.

Most of me doesn't want to do this,
But there's a hideous, ugly part of my soul,
That wants to hate,
To take my bitter revenge,
To become Medea,
To feel the hot burst of blood from the heart,
So my pain is realized.

He's choked his pain so he won't feel it anymore,
But we all know,
It'll come bubbling up to the surface again by another name,
With another face,
And someday he'll know my pain,
And suffer as I have suffered.

But not by my hand,
I will not be the one to be pathetic,
To be as small as him,
And I will hide my pain,
Cloak it in indifference as he's done,
And be the adult in this annoying situation,
And that way I will be above the petty reproaches,
Of people I know.

Because after these words fall to page,
I am myself after all.
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