heh...



This is how I feel right now... the whole world feels like its falling away and i'm stuck here just waiting for somthing exciting to happen... its boring. I'm bored.

I need a life I guess... my parents found out because my friend ran off and told her 'favorite' teacher that I was suicidal... well I am going to the assembly that the school is holding. So I will write more later. Bye
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Monday, November 7, 2005

   To: nightrider99, From: OJaganshi

Hey there, nightrider99!
This would be OJaganshi speaking right now!

Here's your new layout! I really hope you enjoy it. o(^ ^)o I think it it ended up a bit more *orange* than *red*. I'm really sorry about that. If you have an honest problem with the lack of "red-ness" I can go back and change it. But note that you can change whatever you want in here yourself. The only thing I ask you to not do is take down the credit. If you have any further questions, comments, whatever, you can PM me at any time. Okay?

Now, what I recommend you do, is change your password from your current one-- just to help you feel a bit more secure about me having entered your Otaku account. This way you won't feel like I'll enter it again.

CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD!

I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think. o(^.~)o
Your fellow Otaku member,

+OJaganshi+
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

   About Me

001. What is your name? Jamie
002. Spell your name backwards: eimaj
003. Date of birth: March 25
004. Male or female? female
005. Astrological sign: Aries
006. Nicknames: Jam, James
007. Occupation? student
008. Height: 5'0
009. Weight: 170-ish
010. Hair color: Black-ish
011. Eye color: brown
012. Where were you born? Salt lake city
013. Where do you reside now? West Jordan
014. Age: 16
015. Screen names: Only_one99, angel_of_darkness201, theshadowsawait
016. E-mail address: theshadowsawait@Aol.com
017. What does your screen name stand for? Its a good song
018. What is your xanga name? onlyone99
019. What does your xanga name stand for? good song
020. Pets: Buddy(dog) Dakota (bird)
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? I didn't have a birthday cake
022. Piercings? ear
023. Tattoos? n/a
024. Shoe size: 6 1/2
025. Righty or lefty? right
026. Wearing: Levi's and a red t- shirt
027. Hearing: Humming of the computer
028. Feeling: Bored, sad
029. Eating/drinking: nothing

~Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff~
030. Have you ever been in love? yeah
031. How many people have you told "I love you"? a lot
032. How many people have you been in love with? 1 or 2
033. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? no
034. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Yes
035. Are your parents divorced? no
036. Do you have step parents? no
037. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? Yes
038. If so for what? Drugs, drinking, abusing there kids.
039. Did some of your family come to America from another country? Yes

~Music Stuff~
040. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? Untitled by simple plan.
041. What's the most embarrasing cd you own? None of them.. the best thing is to be proud of who you are not who you aren't
042. What's the newest cd you own? a mix cd
043. What song do you absolutely hate? I don't know
044. Do you sing in the shower? somtimes
045. What song reminds you of that special someone? yellowcard

~Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give Any One Of Their Songs!~
046. Pink: Missunderstood
047. Aerosmith: Dude looks like a lady!
048. Madonna: like a virgin
049. Korn: freak on a leash
050. Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
051. The Beatles: penny lane
052. Sublime:?
053. J.Lo: jenny from the block
054. Nsync: digital get down
055. Limp Bizkit: Rollin
056. Britney Spears: oops, i did it again
057. Creed: arms wide open
058. Enrique Iglesias: let me be your hero?
059. Good Charlotte: Athem
060. Christina Aguilera: Beautiful
061. Eminem: Ass like that
062. New Found Glory: My friends over you
063. Kelly Clarkson: Behind these hazel eyes
064. Kelly Osbourne:...
065. Mandy Moore: only hope
066. Eve:
067. Aaliyah: Back and forth
068. Nelly: Fly away
069. Alicia Keys: My boo
070. Incubus: Wish you were here

~Favorites~
071. Color: Black/pink/silver
072. Food: Mexican
073. Song: On the wing of a butterfly
074. Show: Gundam wing
075. school subject: History
076. Band/singer: HIM
077. Animal: Black Panther
078. Outfit: Jeans and a tank top
079. Radio station: 97.1 or 96.3
080. Movie: Phantom of the opera
081. Pair of shoes: My vans
082. Cartoon: Simpsons
083. Actors: Paul walker
084. Actress's: Eva mendes
085. Potato chip: Sour cream and chedder
086. Drink: Pepsi
087. Alcholic drink: Pina colada!
088. Holiday: Halloween!
089. Perfume/cologne: AXE, Sweet pea, pure seduction
090. Pizza topping: cheese
091. Jello flavor: green?
092. Lunch meat: turkey
093. Board game: twister,life, monopoly?
094. Video game: Nascar 2005
095. Website: myspace, xanga, livejournal
096. Book: harry potter, Tell no one, shadowland
097. Computer game:
098. Number: 9/13
099. Cereal: cinnamon toast crunch
100. Comedian: Larry the cable guy!
101. Dessert: Ice cream
102. Disney character: Tigger
103. Clothing store: Hot topic
104. Pastime: sleep, friends, reading
105. Teacher: Mr. Brough!
106. Childhood toy: My teddy bear!
107. Carnival game/ride: water rides
108. Candy bar: twix
109. Magazine: ?
110. Salad dressing: Thousand island
111. Thing to do on the weekend: sleep/comp./friends/read/swim
112. Hot drink: tea,somtimes coffee?
113. Season: Spring/fall
114. Sport to watch: baseball
115. Person to talk to online: David!

~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
116. What color are your sheets? White
117. What color are your bedroom walls? Grey, black, blue, darker grey
117. Do you have posters on your wall? 2 and a few drawings
118. If so of what? Avril and usher
119. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? yes
120. How many pillows are on your bed? 4 or 5
121. What do you normally sleep in? tank top and pants
122. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: yellow spongbob squarepants flannel pants, and a yellow spongebob shirt
123. What size bed do you have? Twin
124. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? Daybed
125. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? no
126. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? No
127. Describe the last nightmare you had: No I don't think eveyone needs to know that
128. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yep
129. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? like maybe 2
130. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? I think so
131. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? no
132. Do you snore? no
133. How about drool? somtimes
134. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? yes
135. What color is the carpet in your room? Blue
136. What's under your bed? air

~This or that~
137. beach/mountains: Mountains
138. Donuts/bagels: bagels
139. Day/night: night
140. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: east
141. Heaven/hell: heaven
142. Make love/have sex: neither
143. Coffee/tea: tea
144. Britney/Christina: britney
145. Swiss cheese/american cheese: depends
146. Real World/Road Rules: Real world
147. Backstreet Boys/Nsync: backstreet boys
148. Silver/gold: silver
149. Nike/Adidas: nike
150. McDonalds/Taco Bell: Mcdonalds
151. Sweet/sour: Sour
152. Punk/emo: punk
153. Hot/cold: cold
154. Winter/summer: Winter
155. Spring/fall: Fall
156. Operas/plays: Both
157. Read/watch tv: read
158. Cd's/tapes: cd's
159. Dvd's/vhs: DVD's
160. Old/new: both
161. Shorts/skirts:Skirts
162. Pink/red: red
163. Colored/black and white photos: Black and white
164. Meat/vegetables: vegetables
165. Mexican food/chinese food: chinese food
166. Commercials/infomercials: commercials
167. Scary movies/comedies: Scary
168. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: depends
169. Sandals/tennis shoes: tennis shoes
170. Dogs/cats: dogs
171. Unicorns/fairies: fairies
172. Water/land: water
173. Sugar/spice: sugar
174. Black/white: black
175. ribbons/bows: ribbons
176. Chicken/beef: chicken
177. Colored/white christmas lights: white
178. Cars/trucks: Trucks
179. Austin Powers/James Bond: Powers
180. Popcorn/pretzels: Popcorn
181. Hip/hop: hop
182. Passionate kiss/peck: Passionate...
183. WWE wrestling/real wrestling: neither
184. Back rub/foot massage: back rub
185. Picture frames/photo albums: photo albums
186. Pens/pencils: Pens

~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
187. Eminem: TE HE funny!
188. Virgins: good for them
189. God: I know hes there. But does he care?
190. The Osbournes: one messed up family
191. Reality TV: fake but sometimes entertaining
192. J.Lo: Boring!
193. Religion: Whatever
194. Emo music: sad
195. Valentine's Day: overrated
196. Christina Aguilera's comeback: AH
197. Homosexuals: good for them
198. Abortion: If its rape its ok!
199. Inter-racial relationships: if they love each other then go for it
200. Murder: not good
201. Death: i dont know, for some people its just there
202. Obesity: ...
203. Pre-marital sex: people can do what ever they want
204. Terrorism: not good
205. Pornography: i personally dont like it
206. Fortune tellers: if people want to waste their $ on them go right ahead
207. Threesomes: ew...
208. Prostitution: not really a good profession to go into
209. Politics: GR!
210. Country music: good stuff
211. George W. Bush:I don't like him
212. Cloning: its good. like to save people lives
213. Britney's boobs: what are you asking me?? if they're real or fake? fake i guess
214. Gas prices in America: way to high

~Name Game~
What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Names?.

215. Jack: o-lantern
216. Tiffany: Tiff
217. Ben: Funny looking
218. Maria: Mexican
219. Jennifer: lopez
220. Nicole: Richie
221. Amy: kile
222. Adam: wow... hes wierd
223. Richard: dick
224. Justin: FOOT BOY
225. Arnold: I'll be back!
226. Tom: myspace?
227. Melissa: snell..ew!
228. Charlotte: good
229. Harold: lol, again
230. John: tindal?
231. Joel: billy joel?
232. Vanessa: Janessa
233. Michelle: My middle name
234. Kevin: mindy's boyfriend and taylor
235. Brent:HA HA
236. Jake: gr..
237. Billy: madison
238. Sarah: NICHOLAS!
239. Natalie: Sumsion
240. Christi: christina
241. Nick: peterson
242. Linda: Clevland?
243. Taylor: funk
244. Jordan: river
245. Jamie: ME
246. Adrian: Ha Ha HA HA HA HA

~Have You Ever....~
247. Mooned anyone? yes
248. Been on a diet? yes
249. Been to a foreign country? no
250. Broken a bone? no
251. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? no
252. Swear at a teacher? yes
253. Talked to a xanga member via e-mails or instant messages? yea
254. Got in a fight? yes
255. Dated a teacher? no
256. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? yea
257. Thought about killing your enemy? no
258. Gone skinny dipping? no
259. Met another xanga member in the flesh? yes
260. Told a little white lie? yes
261. Told a secret you swore not to tell? no
262. Stolen anything? yes
263. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? yes
264. Been on TV? yes
265. Been on the radio? no
266. Been in a mosh pit? no
267. Been to a concert? no
270. Decieved somebody close to you? no
271. Broken the law? yes he he
272. Been to a rodeo? no
273. Been on a talk show? no
274. Been on a game show? no
275. Been on an airplane? no
276. Got to ride on a firetruck? no
277. Came close to dying? yes....
278. Cheated on a bf/gf? no
279. Gave someone a piggy back ride? yes
280. Terrorized a babysitter? yes
281. Made a mud pie? yes
282. Had a dream that our falling off a cliff? all the fucking time
283. Snuck out of the house at night? yes
284. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? no
285. Had an eating disorder?no actually...yes
286. Felt like you didn't belong? yea
287. Felt like the 3rd wheel? yea
288. Smoked? yes
289. Done drugs? once
290. Been arrested? no
291. Had your tonsils removed? no
292. Gone to camp? no
293. Won a bet? yes
294. Written a love letter? yes
295. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? yes
296. Written a love poem? yes
297. Kissed in the rain? no
298. Slow danced with someone you love? no
299. Participated in cyber sex? no
300. Faked an orgasm? no
301. Stolen a kiss? no
302. Asked a friend for relationship advice? yes
303. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? No
304. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love? yes...
305. Gotten a speeding ticket? no
306. Done jail time? no
307. Had to wear a uniform to work? yes
308. Won a trophy? no
309. Thrown up in public? yes
310. Bowled a perfect game? no
311. Failed/got held back? no
312. Got perfect attendance in grade school? NO
313. Roasted pumpkin seeds? yeah
314. Taken ballet lessons? no

~Childhood Stuff~
317. Did you play with Barbies? yes
318. Did you own Treasure Trolls? yeah
319. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? sometimes
320. Did you play Simon? yes
321. Did you watch Fraggle Rock? no
322. Did you wet the bed? a long long long time ago
323. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? yes
324. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them? yes
325. Were you shy? i still am
326. Were you spoiled? yes
327. Were you abused? no
328. Did you go to the circus? no
329. Did you go to the zoo? yes
330. Were you in a car accident? yes
331. Did you build snowmen? yea
332. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? yes
333. Were your older cousins mean to you? yes!
334. Did you think slinkies were cool? YES I still do SLINKIE SLINKIE... ok I will stop
335. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? yes. man i love those guys
336. Were you afraid of the dark? yes
337. Did you have slumber parties? yes
338. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, curtains, sleeping bags, dolls and pajamas? no
339. Did you tease your hair out? no
340. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? yes

~Randomness~
341. Do you believe in aliens? yes
342. Name three things that are next to your computer: Piece of paper, a person on the ground and a person sitting next to me
343. Do you have any hidden talents? I don't know
344. Do you wish MTV would play more music videos? Somtimes
345. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? Scary
346. What would your movie star name be? Jamie
347. Do you play any sports? yes
348. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Jeepers creepers the first time! EK!
349. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? Batman begins
350. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? Napolion dynamite
351. Do you drive? yes
352. What is your dream car? Chevy Silverado 1998
353. Do you think your good looking? no
354. Do others think you are good looking? I don't know
355. Would you ever sky dive? yes
356. Do you believe in Bigfoot? sure
357. How many rooms do you have in your house? 2
358. Are you afraid of roller coasters? no
359. Do you believe in God? yes
360. Do you believe in Satan? yes
361. Do you believe there is a heaven? yes
362. Do you believe there is a hell? yes
363. Do you own a pooltable? no
364. Do you have a pool? Yes
365. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? yea
366. Do you like chocolate? yes
367. Who/what is on your calendar? n/a
368. How many U.S. states have you been to? 2
369. Ever wished on a shooting star? yes
370. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? Poodle skirt girl lol
371. Do you carry any weapons on you? no
372. What is your weakness? Friends
373. Name something you can't get enough of: slurpees
374. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: Short,lazy,fat
375. How many kids do you want to have? 2
376. Future daughters names: Elixia
377. Future sons names: Joshua
378. What is your ideal way to die? In a blaze of glory, like a huge car accident that is on every tv channel!
379. How do you release stress? swim, read
380. Are you a trendy person? no
381. Are you an artisitic person? somtimes
382. Are you a realistic person? generally
383. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no
384. Are you a strong person Physically: some what?
385. Are you a strong willed person? no
386. Who is the last person to e-mail you? Brittney
387. Who is the last person to IM you? ...brian
388. Do you hate chain e-mails? yes
389. Are you a deep sleeper? no
390. Are you a good story teller? somtimes
391. What do you believe is your best quality? i dont know
392. What is your greatest accomplishment? learning how to play the violin
393. Do you like to burn candles or incense? yes
394. Do you do yoga? no
395. Do you have your own credit card? no
396. Let's say you win the lotto: then id be rich
397. Do you have a check book? no
398. Do you like your driver? what driver???
399. Do you tan easily? yes
400. What color is your hair naturally? Dark brown
401. How many fillings do you have? 1 or 2
402. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? 3 or 4
403. Worst feeling in the world? being alone
404. Best feeling in the world? happy/loved
405. Is the glass half empty or half full? both?!
406. Last thing you downloaded?
407. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? yea
408. What do you think people think of you? i dont know
409. Are you a likeable person? I think
410. Do you need therapy? yes I do
411. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance?....
412. What the best way to be proposed to? In the rain somthing super romantic!
413. What kind of movie would you star in? a Scary one!
414. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? They hate each other!
415. When are you moving? at 18, asap
416. What's your favorite phrase? GOSH!!
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Friday, September 16, 2005

   Forever

- You’re on the outside, looking in. -

There she is; the girl you envy. The girl you love to hate. The girl you mock when she isn’t around to defend herself. And what for? Why all the hatred? Why the resentment? Because she’s popular? Because all the teachers adore her? Or is it her good grades that bother you? Maybe it’s her sense of humor? Or how about her appearance? She gets all the attention, and why shouldn’t she? That long blonde hair, those bright green eyes, a perfectly petite figure, all topped off with a smile that could light up a room. She’s practically perfect in every way. Is that it? Is it because she’s everything you’re not? Because she’s everything your parents wish you were? She is the girl you wish you could be...isn’t she?

- Wishing you could be as happy as her. -

Then again, why shouldn’t you want to be her? Little Miss Prissy, always dressed in the best of the best. Her mother won’t have it any other way when it comes to her precious little Princess. You presume that’s why she’s got so many friends. Everyone seems to love her...except you, of course. Then there’s the boyfriend. Every Princess has her Prince Charming, right? Well, she has the best one there is. With his tall, lean build, his dark hair and piercing blue eyes, he is the perfect match for this Princess. They may as well be attached at the hip, always together, always cuddling or hugging. You look at them in disgust as they steal kisses in the hallways. They’re in love...right?

- But little do you know, she´s not happy at all. -

You think she’s so lucky? Well, think again. She’s not as strong as you think; she’s weak and she’s breaking. She has been molded into what this society calls `perfect.´ She is her mother’s little puppet to push and prod until she does as she is told. She is her father’s "perfect" little princess, who would never disappoint him no matter what the cost. And now, she is also Mr. Popular’s pretty accessory, hanging on to his arm every time he enters a room. She has been pulled and pushed in every direction possible. She has been forced into a life she did not choose. Do you truly think she is happy? Of course you do.

- She wears a giant smile across her face all day. -

Sure, she’s always smiling.... when she knows someone is watching. Why, of course she is dressed in the newest and hottest designer clothing.... when she is in the open. Indeed, she is always hugging and kissing Mr. Class President.... when he tells her to. Certainly, she pushes for high marks.... Her mother needs to have something to brag about. It’s no surprise she is always willing to help out or simply listen to anyone who needs her to.... that way, the spotlight isn’t on her. Still think she’s happy? Sure you do. After all, this is what’s expected of her, isn’t it?

- But as soon as she’s alone, that smile quickly fades. -

In the privacy of her dorm, the laughter disappears, replaced with tears; the happiness replaced with pain and sorrow. She wipes off the makeup, lets down her hair and throws her designer clothing on the cold floor. She forgets about the teachers and the grades as her schoolbooks are tossed on the floor along with her clothing. She no longer has anyone to listen to or help... the only sound heard is that of her heart shattering into many diminutive pieces, reminding her of the anguish she must face. And then she lets go and cries. Cries like a small child who has lost her doll. Cries like a young girl who has lost faith in her father’s word; like an adolescent who is finally able to see her mother for what she really is. Cries like a young woman who has had her free will taken from her and forced into a life she did not choose. And finally... she cries for herself.

- She rolls up the sleeve of her shirt. -

Looking down at the creamy flesh, she admires its perfection; she envies it. Much like you have been admiring and envying hers. She traces a finger along the small veins and then along the small scars. A single tear down her soft cheek reveals all the emotions she tries to hide. Can you see the pain she lives with? She’s almost ready to fall apart. Did you ever notice the scars? No, why should you? You never bothered to look any closer than your jealousy allowed you to. You never saw the pain, the tears, the sorrow... the scars. Why would you want to? You still believe her to be perfect.... But do you still think she is happy? Do you still wish to be her?

- As she picks up a pair of scissors. -

She runs the blade across her skin, watching it with awe. Finally, the pain is real; the blood is real. She watches a single drop of blood make its way down her wrist onto her ring finger. Mesmerized, she make another cut, and then another. The blood flows freely down her fingers and onto the floor. She’s making quite a mess, but nobody will ever know. She always cleans up after herself. Always. Cut after cut, she makes another intricate pattern on the delicate flesh.... But no one ever notices. No one sees the art she creates on her arms. Do you? No, because to you, she is still the picture of perfection.... even when all she’s wearing is a bloodstained school shirt. Isn’t that right?

-The cuts on her arms would tell you. -

The various patterns of scars, the dried blood, the bloodstains.... it should all tell her story. But not to you...right? In your eyes, she is still perfect. Still the girl you envy; the girl you want to be. Why can’t you see what’s really there? She isn’t perfect. She’s far from it! She is a weak little girl in more pain than anyone should have to handle. She’s the girl who’s lost her sanity at the hands of those around her. She is the butterfly whose wings have been tampered with. At first glance, she’s still got the perfect appearance, but look a little closer. See her scars. See her pain. See what has become of her poor, withered soul. Sure, she still looks like the perfect little butterfly.... but she has lost her ability to fly. She has lost her freedom.

-But you never bothered to find that out. -

Did you ever bother to look a little closer? No. Did you ever look past all her makeup to see the tearstains? Never. Did you try to look past the designer clothing to see the scars she wears as accessories? No, why would you do such a thing? Why shatter the picture of perfection you carried around in your mind? Why try and take the time to see that she isn’t perfect? Why take the time to understand her? No, you’d never do that. You’d much rather envy her. For all you know, she might actually turn out to be a sweet and kind person, and then what would you do? How could you possibly hate her then?

Or what if she wasn’t? What if she were more cruel than Lucifer himself? Then your perfect fantasy would be ruined. You couldn’t have that happen... and that’s why you kept your distance, right? You’ve waited so long, so very long; just to see her fall; to see her soul torn apart. You’ve waited to see her heart being broken in half. Why change all that now? When she’s so incredibly close to the edge? So close to shattering her perfect little world; so close to falling off her throne.... Still think she’s perfect? No doubt about that.

- Until it’s too late. -

One day, it will be too late. Don’t you worry about that. One day, her blade will make the irreversible cut. The cut she’s wanted to make for years. The cut she’s never been able to make before. One day, when things become too much to endure, she’ll do it. Maybe it’ll be because of her mother’s constant demands. Or maybe her father’s wish of perfection becomes too much. Or perhaps it’ll be because of Mr. Wonderful. Maybe his constant demands will push her to do it. Maybe she won’t want to have sex with him one of these nights. Maybe she’ll actually stand up for herself and refuse him.... No, she probably won’t. She’ll just do as he asks and suffer with the pain when she is alone. No matter what the reason, she’ll make the cut soon.... maybe even this time.

- Because she's made that final cut. -

And you walk into your dorm to find the most dreadful scene. There she is, your image of perfection, lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Her jade eyes are void of emotions; her full lips are parted slightly. Her long blond hair surrounds her like a halo; she looks like an angel, doesn’t she? A fallen angel. There are tearstains on her face. Remember them? The ones you refused to acknowledge? Are you willing to see them now? Are you willing to face the truth? Look at her! Look at her lifeless body lying before you. Drained of life, her soul torn and destroyed; see her for what she is! Take a look! Look at her bloodstained hands, still holding the blade.

Open your eyes and see what this world you love so much did to her! This poor, innocent girl’s life was ruined because of people like you! Her wings were damaged when she was just a baby. She never had a chance to fly and spread her wings. She was brought up in captivity. Can you imagine what that was like? No, you can’t. You’ll never know what it was like because even now, looking at her lifeless body, you envy the attention her death will attract. Even though she’s gone, you still envy her!

- And now she’s gone. -

Well, it’s the day you’ve waited for: her funeral. It’s an open casket; how fitting. Her whole life was an open book, controlled by others; might as well make her funeral the same. You look around and note the large amount of people. Do you know that she didn’t know half of them? Probably not. You walk up to the casket with a single red rose; how appropriate. You look at her, lying there looking as beautiful as ever in her white silk dress, and you feel the envy well up inside of you. Glancing around, you see hundreds of red roses everywhere.

Then something catches your eye: a small bouquet of lilies, placed at the foot of the casket. Walking over, you wonder who would send lilies to a funeral. Someone who actually loves her, that’s who. Someone who took the time to listen every time she told Mr. Popularity she hated red roses. Someone who saw her for what she was. Someone who never had the courage to tell her he loved her. See? Her life wasn’t perfect. Yet you stand before her casket now, still refusing to see that. So don’t. Go on and live your life believing she was too perfect to be real. It doesn’t matter now, anyway, because she is gone. So say it. You’ve wanted to say it since the day you saw her in the dorm. Say it. You’re glad that Little Miss Perfect is dead.

- Forever. -

It’s been ten years since the funeral. Ten years today. And here you are, at her grave, holding a bouquet: a bouquet of lilies. So what changed? There are tears in your eyes. Why? Rather, why now? After about fifteen minutes of staring at the ground, you finally allow your eyes to take in the gravestone.

Adrienne Blare
Beloved daughter of
Jonathan & Isabel Blare.
`You will fly and you will crawl,
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all,
God knows even angels fall.´
1980 - 1998

And you cry. You cry for all she could have had. All that was stolen from her. Finally, you understand what it was like for her. You understand her pain and suffering. At last, your envy is gone as you look upon the grave of a girl whose life ended abruptly at the young age of seventeen. And the shame overtakes you. How could you have been so cruel? So uncaring? How could you not see what she was going through? And you fall to your knees before her grave. And, finally, you cry the tears that you were meant to cry ten long years ago. There, on your knees, you beg for the one thing you’ve been missing for the past decade…forgiveness
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