Friday, December 24, 2004

   Well, it's the holidays, so I need to be in a better mood...

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

   don't feel like posting much

Things just keep piling up for me it seems. This situation that Mai is going through is just tearing me apart. The fact that I can't do anything just hurts. I feel so bad about it. I know I shouldn't... but it's my nature. This justs adds more to the things I'm thinking about right now. With my mom on the verge of being an invalid due to the bones in her feet beginning to disintegrate, my grandmother having a stroke last Sunday, and other things in general (my mental problems, work problems, etc.) I just can't seem to figure out how I'm still standing?! *breaks own legs* There!... I don't feel anything! Is that a problem?! *looks around angrily with watery eyes* O.O I think I've lost it... I'm having a mental breakdown over the fucking internet?! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Wow... *slumps over*

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

   Bad news at the start of my internet reconnection...

For all of you who visit my site. I have some bad news. I learned from someone who lives in the area, that some of Mai's (animeblue girl) family was caught in a house fire the other day. All four of them died in it. Thomas Vang, Pa Vang, and two young children. I don't know how close of relation they are to Mai, but that is her reason for departure. *with a heavy heart* To anyone who reads this: go to her site and please offer her some support. I think she'd appreciate it when she gets back. PLEASE!!

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

   Life... as normal as it is for me...

More bad news on my part. I found out on Sunday that my grandma had another stroke. This time it was a little worse. She is fine in regards to her ability to talk alright and understand things, but she lost her ability to walk. She's 76 years old also... so that kinda makes a problem for the chance of her being able to recover from this and my mom thinks that it may become mandatory that she be placed in some sort of assisted living situation, or possibly a nursing home. The latter of those options my grandmother HATES with a passion, and if that happens... my mom will never hear the end of it. As for me... I'm just happy she's okay mentally and that she's still alive. I mean she already has alzheimers, but the last thing I'd want is to see my grandma a vegetable due to a stroke. *sighs* Life sure is trying to kick my ass right now... As for my internet connection. Due to my inability to pay it off cause of my car touble, they sent me a message saying that it is scheduled to be shut off on Wednesday. They really haven't been very punctual on the delivery of their promise so far, so I'm hoping that it continues till I AM able to pay it off. LOL... *slumps over* I so need to get a roommate and soon! Bills are slowly dragging me down. And another update... who knows what's going on with my psychologist. They were supposed to set up a time for me to go in and see them, by calling me at work. *still waits patiently* I like my doc and all, but the people working for the place are lazy idiots! Eventually... I'll get all my pics done for those who requested them. I appologize in advance. Gravedigger Sitting calmly at the bottom of a hole Staring up at the moon in the night sky As my blood soaks the earth I realize This must be my fate, my tragic destiny Thinking so clearly now in a 6 foot pit A shovel sits behind me, leaning on the dirt As I look at my tattered wrists and cry I have dug my own grave, with intent to rest Dawning on me now is the thought of abandonment There will only be one person at my funeral For they will never find this place It is too far away and too hidden to be found As my life begins to flash before my eyes My hand grabs a rope, holding up a stick As I pull with what I have left, earth crashes down I have now sealed me fate, being my own gravedigger

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

   Car trouble... and new news...

Well... I've broken into the TOP 500 list... again! Been there once before, but hey... it really doesn't matter. #493 at the moment. *shrugs* I guess I should thank everyone who visits me so often eh?... SO... THANKS! ( and Thanks again! to some of ya ;P ) Another problem arose today as I was heading home from work. I stopped to get some gas in my car so I would have some for the rest of the week and after I filled up... my car wouldn't start again. So... I decided to take a look at it... and FUCK!!! I finally found the problem with the damn thing! The "head-gasket" is busted! Which means my engine isn't receiving the oil and anti-freeze/coolant that it needs to work properly. *shakes head and smacks face in disgust* Now I have to use my internet bill money for something else! Just when I thought things might go my way for once... where do I end up? Back in the shithole! It's not a major problem, BUT it may cause major problems. At least I don't live too far from work. SO... technically I could walk if I needed to. Can't wait till Tuesday... I will so need that day off... -_- Lightning Bugs A barren field with a single tree Stretches into the distance as the sun sets A young boy lies complacently underneath it Watching the clouds go by as it grows dark The sounds of summer fill the air As lightning bugs take flight in the night Little does this boy know... it's winter And he is only living in a dream world The flickers of lights darting around and around Only represent the memories in his mind The boy then begins to cry As he snatches one from the sky A small glow of red escapes his palm As he slowly opens his hand to expose the creature So brittle, so feeble the insect seems So small, so insignificant as it crawls around in vain This little red bug, holds the worst secret of all For all the others are yellow and glow with life The boy thinks... if he set it free, would he be too? Free from the guilt, the pain, and the suffering The boy instead pulls out a small cage A little prison for his new captive As he tosses it in, he locks the cage This one shall never get out again he tells himself Then from the other pocket he pulls a gun Within it lies a single bullet meant for requiem He sighs a heavy sigh as the barrel slides into his mouth As a shot rings out... the field glows bright All the bugs in the sky now illuminate the night As pieces of a cage scatter and the boy resheathes his pistol

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

I honestly don't feel like typing too much tonight. But... at least my I-net WON'T be shut off. Yes you read that right. They forgot to shut it off, but turned off my phone instead... which worked out for me since I was able to post and all even though I wasn't supposed to be able to. Anyway... I'll post a random quiz and head on outta here for tonight. Later... Your element is Shadow: Indifferent, unusual, gentle and a complete mystery. No one tends to know quite what to think of you because you camouflage your emotions so incredibly well, almost as well as your thoughts. You are unpredictable in that no one knows exactly what your going to do or what your capable of and you've made sure they never will. You are quite the wallflower but deep down inside is a kind and very intelligent person. You are capable of love but unless you let some light into your shadowed life you'll have a hard time with your relationships. People are a mystery only because they all seem too superficial, you would rather be somewhere else, away from all the noise perhaps putting your feelings into a form of art, maybe writing your feelings into a poem or journal, or perhaps painting a picture. The shadows make you feel comfortable and you don't like to step outside your comfort zone or let anyone else in, the spotlight terrifies you. You are truly a mystery. .:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers- brought to you by Quizilla

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Friday, December 10, 2004

   A rememberance...

Many of you may know, and some of you may not (or may not care)... but a LEGEND in heavy metal, "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, was shot at the beginning of his new bands show on Wednesday night. Being a fan of his new band, DAMAGEPLAN, and a fan of his old one, PANTERA, this really comes as a shock to me. Apparently, the gunman was someone who had lost his mind. I meant to post this with my other post... but ran out of time before I got too tired. Even though I know they will not read this... I offer my condolences to all who suffered a loss at this incident. The families, friends and fans of "Dimebag" Darrell have my sympathy as do the families and friends of the other 5 victims of this tragedy. May he "ROCK ON" in our hearts forever...

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*shrugs* Subject?... *gives blank stare*

Hmmm... It seems as if my phone company has forgot what they had told me. I will be able to pay my i-net bill tomorrow... so why even bother with cancelling it. :) Baka's!!! Something of complete and utter pointlessness to converse on: I just started collecting another series of Manga last week(why this eluded me as a topic on the other days I dunno), called Deus Vitae. All I can say about it is that it has a theme somewhat like Final Fantasy X/Matrix in a way. It's in the future, but mankind is on the brink of extinction due to it's own creations. They gave birth to the rise of A.I. blah blah blah... but it has a beautiful world with large cities and grand technology. Oh... and don't forget that the "Selenoids" (the machines btw...) have powers like DBZ and stuff. It's another adult oriented manga... somehow I seem to have some way of picking those types too. I randomly pick a manga book off the shelf... and if I think I'll like the story... I buy it. Then I usually find out later that it has all the stuff in it that makes it NOT suitable for children. *smacks self* Boy... I know how to pick em eh? No poem tonight... I wanna get to bed at a normal, decent time this time. >.<

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Thursday, December 9, 2004

   Simple things...

Well lookie here... no one is posting yet again. Take a gander at my shoutbox thingie to find out why! Again, not all that much going on at all in my life. Just another day of "work = money = precious time of my life wasted" kinda thing. ART REQUESTS as of right now and the order in which to be completed: AnimeBlue Girl (Mai) = Sasuke Poison Needles (Zach) = Misato Number5 (Chona) = Hakkai As for other things. My story is on hold until I find out what is gonna happen with my I-net. But I promise there is a lot more of it to come sometime soon. Christmas is coming soon too... bah! Not bah humbug mind you... just that I have no money at the moment to purchase gifts. Which is really putting a strain on me too, but hey *shrugs* I can only do what I can eh? Very beautiful pic of Hakkai eh? Buried I've been buried alive Six feet deep with limited time Nothing but dark surrounds me As I scream and scream for help As blood soaks my fingers From the tearing and pounding at my prison I hear a voice tell me to stay Wait for my soul to burn out I pay no heed to the sound As I continue struggling in vain There is no way I can give up Things I feel I need to protect await me Yet... the voice echoes in my mind Ever growing clearer, louder There is nothing but despair above It tells me so serenly, calmly I shake my head as the boards break And the cold, damp earth fills my coffin Eternal slumber is not what I want Not until I have achieved my goals A hand breaches the surface Grasping anything in reach For the first time in awhile I breathe Fresh and clean air, pure But the vision of what I see scares me For this is no heaven, no sanctuary I realize I fought to stay in hell Only to prolong my suffering Maybe the voice was right, truthful My peace can only be made through death Now I'm buried once again This time in the coffin of life

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Wednesday, December 8, 2004

Not much to report on today. Spent an entire three complete consecutive hours playing GTA: San Andreas today. It's a great stress relief. Especially since THIS IS MY LAST POST FOR AWHILE!!! I was wrong on the day of my I-net cancellation... so... you all get to witness my venting yet again. Anyway, for those of you who didn't catch my last post. Please read it, if you want to get to know me a little more. It might explain some things. I'm still not feeling very well in my mind, but at least I'm still here eh? I also intend on making it known that I am still open for requests on art. Since I will have extra free time... please don't hesitate to ask. Mai: Sasuke will be done shortly since your pic is the one I am currently working on. Zach: If you read this... I'll work on one of Misato ok? Others: That's all I have at the moment. No pressure... just ask. Patterns Dreaming again... What is it that makes me feel so weightless? Flying again... Wind fills my wings as I take flight freely. Searching again... For the thing that knocks me down time and time again. Thinking this time... Maybe I shouldn't search for it anymore. Drifting this time... Alone without a single worry or care. Falling this time... Due to something else inside my mind. Screaming again... As I plummet to the barren earth with a thud. Crying again... From this fall that I have felt too often. Bleeding again... Soaking the ground with my sorrow and misery. Staying this time... Motionless upon the soil, wallowing in pity. Freezing this time... As the cold of the bitterness engulfs me. Dying this time... I will never reach those beautiful clouds again.

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