Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Just letting you all know I'm still around...

Right now... I don't know how to feel. I'm going through so many thoughts at one time, that I can't focus... so I appologize that I haven't been posting as much as I usually have been. Current music: NONE Current wish: To find whatever it is I am searching for... Once I get off work... I have my own take on a Hoobastank song I would like to post. I changed almost ALL the lyrics to suit myself, but I think it would still seem right to sing it as though it was sung like the original... I'm just expressing my emotions this way, so expect it sometime later tonight. Back to work...

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Friday, November 12, 2004

   Awful day... but I'm not gonna complain... about it anyway...

A young version of Sesshy showcasing how I feel right now: I am sitting here... eating ramen... wondering where the fuck my life went wrong. How did I get here... was it all the choices I made... or was it fate? Wondering why I feel so god damn worthless to the people that matter the most in my life. I know I shouldn't feel that way... but it's what has been in my head for the better part of the last few years. I'm supposed to concentrate on finding all the positive things in my life, so I can focus on them... so, here's a question for you: Why is it when ppl tell you that there is so much good in your life, it is always overshadowed by the pain, guilt, and suffering you have endured in existing? Life never "truly" gets better... it's just something humans say because of a trait called hope. The whole reason I am even still here on this junkheap we call a planet is to help everyone else I know make it through. The only thing postitve my mind can hold onto is helping others that can't adjust to the burdon. It's what gives me motivation to wake up in the morning... knowing I can be there for a friend. But doing so, backfires in a way... since it focuses on their problems... Everything going on in my head is making me feel useless, hypocritical (which I hate with a passion), and just SO GOD DAMNED ANGRY!!! See ppl... this is why apathy is BAD!!! You keep everything locked inside until one day, BOOM!!! everyone dies. :) Maybe that's what I wish eh? The end of the world? Be nice huh? No more pain or suffering of any kind... Current music: Spineshank "Violent Mood Swings" Current wish: the collapse of the universe :D Well... enough with the depressed lunatic rant, and on with the other stuff eh? Claiming a Path: You gaze into my eyes Only to witness death Blood upon the earth Listening for my last breath Are you satisfied now Setting me free from the pain My eyes now glaze over As you feel it start to rain You said that you saw my future What was it that you saw? I can make a bet without a doubt It was my one and only flaw The fact that I was just a human Living day to day with sin You looked at me as if confused Knowing not where to begin The truth is you began long ago With breaking my heart into pieces That you simply just forgot Of just how easily life ceases Now you lay my head upon the ground And begin to wonder why I chose for you to end my pain It makes you start to cry Why be so weary my friend Your sorrow has just begun Try looking to the sky In the direction of the sun One day you too will be free A life free of guilt & shame Will you be a sinner or a saint Which one do you claim? My Quote: "The only truth in life is the truth you are willing to see and accept... take what you want, and leave the rest"

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Thursday, November 11, 2004

   For once... I don't know what I want to post...

Extremely sleepy, and out of it... I can't think of what I want to post... so, maybe I'll update with a poem at lunch or something... But, I need to say something. For those of you who talked to me last night on MSN (you know who you are...), you helped me whether you think so or not. I may have been there to help you, but you helped me too. Don't forget that. Thanks! Sesshoumaru pic of the day:

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

   My mental state for your viewing pleasure...

Sesshoumaru pic of the day: Well, I have officially been diagnosed tonight at the doc's office. I shouldn't post it here... but I will anyway! I have been diagnosed with "Moderate Dypthymia", some sort of Anxiety disorder, and "Possible Severe Schizoid Personality Disorder"... I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!! :) ... not... To be honest, I would have rather have gone in there and have the doc tell me that there was nothing wrong, and it was all just in my head. (HAHAHA... pun) I have the choice in whether I would like to recieve medecine for these things, but the visits are "mandatory" for the next 6 MONTHS!!! Twice a month for 6 months, and if I refuse, they can court order me... lovely... At least it's cheap though! Only costs me $6/session due to my health insurance. I hope all this helps, or me seeking the help I need will have been in vain. For those of you who are interested... visit my friend Maxwell Demon... I just helped him update the look of his site today! With that comes my poem... Reality?...: Sleeping soundly Beneath the waves of my mental illusions Creeping silently Are the memories that haunt my spirit They drag me down, tear at me Till I seem human no more My only hope is myself Waiting patiently Is the despair that wants to return Defending valiantly Is my concious mind, to save my heart the suffering They fight constantly, feuding Till I'm a chaotic mess My solace seems lost to me Searching thoroughly For someone to aid me in this endeavor Grasping firmly To everything I have that is of worth It keeps me here, preserves me So I can face reality Something I wish did not exist Dreaming freely Covering up all of my own misfortunes Flying quickly From all the pain that once held me down It helps me see, see the gate to serenity The gate I have no key for I shall stay in my dream world, forever Morbid Thought of the Day: GUESS WHAT?!! I SWALLOWED A STICK OF DYNAMITE... I'm guessing you have 5 seconds to BACK OFF!!! *BOOM!!!*

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004

   WOW... I haven't been posting as much as I said I would...

Well... first things first I guess. Thanks to Dark Sephiroth for telling me about animecrave.com! That site is really cool. So far I've watched the first three episodes of Hellsing, the 2nd Inuyasha movie, and a few episodes of Rurouni Kenshin I had missed. I even took the liberty of donating some money to them so they can keep the shows on their site. Problem is that they need more money. If they can get it... they'll have the 3rd Inuyasha movie for viewing pleasure... which would be real cool! All you have to do to watch the shows is join(which is FREE, btw!). Ok... another thing is that I will be updating the members lists of the OPG and Dragons as soon as I finish this post. I am extremely happy with how the OPG is growing. I didn't think it would have this kind of reaction on the site. However, I'm sure there are members that aren't getting visited as often as I was hoping they would be. That was the reason I started the group. PLEASE... if you're a member, when you get the chance, take the time to visit a few other members and comment on their poetry. They would appreciate it. THANK YOU!!! Next would be the fact that here from now on, I'll be going with anime themes for maybe a few weeks at a time. My first one will be Inuyasha(mainly Sesshoumaru)! That's it for the moment!

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Saturday, November 6, 2004

   A poem... that's it today...

Alright everyone... I have a new friend here on Otaku I'd like you all to visit. He goes by the name of Ichiro. Welcome him to MyO! Unfinished... (will finish later): Shadowing a life I've never led Holding onto the memories I dread Forsaken everything I once stood for Tossing aside all I don't need anymore Where am I going? What do I seek? I've taken everything I had for granted Now I'm lost inside myself, drowning Blaming you for what I once felt Mingling it with all the pain you've dealt Screaming at my own tormented soul Bleeding for you, I am no longer whole What can I say? What will you do? You've taken all I offered and thrown it back at me See what you've done, making a maze of feelings? Pleading for what I can no longer gain Dreaming of the end, the end of sorrow Withdrawing myself into the soulless abyss Locking the door to my mind, alone in the dark

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Friday, November 5, 2004

   A better day than yesterday (lame post subject... but hey!)

So far this day has definitely gone better than yesterday. Which is a good thing, cause I found my nearly infinitely vast patience wearing very very thin yesterday. It seemed as though every button that could be pressed was being pressed. Now... I'm not a quick to temper kinda guy, but there are certain things you just don't mess with me about and almost everything that gets me angry quickly happened yesterday. It was all I could do to keep myself from becoming a hysterical, psychopathic murderer... >.< Anyway... other than that, if any of you read this... and have the time... drop by the other members of the Poetry Guild and say hi, maybe read their poetry. I'm gonna try and ask Adam to back our group, cause some members still aren't getting the feedback that they deserve. Pic of my FAVE BAND!!! You can tell who it is by the pic... Unknown title: Heartache is nothing new You've spun me around so many times Just tear it out already Stop playing this stupid little game I've never seen this side before That you show me with such ill contempt Is it cause you're so close to me now Cause it seems that you're only dragging me down If this is how it'll be I'll simply just tear out my eyes This way I can no longer see What it is you have planned for me Just leave me a whisper And I'll remove my tongue for you too Cause it's all tied in knots And can't speak the words you want to hear Save yourself the torment End this now and all will be fine Or drown me in my misery And stay with me... stay till it all ends the hard way

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

   My poem is below now...

So therefore if you missed it this morning, go ahead and read... Just remember, no one is forcing you (PUN INTENDED!!!)

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   Thoughtless ramble...

Just waking up and have no idea what to type... Ok, here... I'll talk about what I'm looking at right now. *in tour bus announcer tone* "To the right of me you'll see my kitchen, complete with refrigerator, stove/oven, dishwasher and microwave. On the floor you'll see a box of free tile samples that I have been giving away as coasters. WOULD ANYONE CARE FOR A COASTER?" *turns to face other direction* "And off to the left is the infamous living room. There has been a lot of important events taking place there. As you can see, the entire thing is decorated with an asian style with many anime posters, wallscrolls, and decorative items. In the center sits the throne of the tennant. Along the far wall is the my collection of anime, which takes up the entire window seat." *points to directly in front of him* "Here you'll find the lucious hallway! Down it's beautifully undecorated structure you'll discover the two bedrooms and the two bathrooms, one of them attached to a bedroom instead of the hallway itself. That concludes our tour today. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. Have a nice day!" Isn't he adorable? Certainty: The shifting sands Have brought me to a path A path I don't want to follow The silent dark Has given birth to an emotion An emotion I haven't ever felt This empty soul Has now constricted it's own future A future it never thought was worth it These simple thoughts Make me yearn for something more Something far beyond my capabilities Those weak beings The ones that share my life with me Share my life without my permission They blindly search Their souls and hearts thoroughly Thoroughly for something that isn't there The blue sky Is where this thing they search for resides It resides in a place they cannot go This heavy heart Will not be able to make it there Make it to the place it longs for That supreme being Has made it impossible to reach it Reach that which we seek, serenity This chaotic life Is nothing but a simple test A test none know the answers to This corrupt sinner Will never fill the requirements Requirements that seem too grand Those brainwashed masses Think they can achieve something great Greater than what I can, greater than human Their sensitive feet Also walk on this path This path none wish to walk This stupid game Playing pieces wrapped up in the possibility The possibility of winning the game of life Those foolish entities Have yet to figure out their is one way to win That way is death, our only certainty Morbid Thought of the Day: What could have happened to the guy who got his leg cut off in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" if the girl hadn't tried to rescue him... :)

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Tuesday, November 2, 2004

   Experiements and cookies!!! LOL

I don't have all that much to talk about tonight, but I'll try to find something to steal your precious time away from you... I'm finally gonna get to see the doc about my possible depression tomorrow. YAY ME!!! *does a little dance and then falls to floor sulking* Other than that, I'll be pretty damn bored tomorrow. Think I'll work on some requested art. If you requested it, you know who you are. If not, then too bad for you, hehehe j/k The poem of tonight is an experimental kind, one that I have never tried writing before. Here it is: Drifting: Lost and alone This is how I feel inside You torment me so With the false feelings you give me When will you learn Love and hate are opposite sides of a coin I'm now tearing apart All that I once felt for you I'm drifting In this lake of conciousness How can I say... I love you, when I only hate you Lessons will be taught Even if your heart has to break to learn them Never again will you feel The warmth that I once offered you Now I'm all cold inside No longer what many would call human You doubted all I gave to you One day I shall find the one that deserves it Emotions flow like rapids Cursing and screaming till I'm deaf I'm sorry but I must go now This edge of sanity has worn my soul beyond repair Morbid Thought of the Day: Going through everything I did yesterday, and then at the end of the night... eating milk and cookies :)

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