Friday, September 24, 2004

Ramblings of a troubled mind...

Well... another day goes by. And I'm left wondering yet again, why I make the choices I do. This post was a little late for me, cause I was thinking about what I should type. I was confronted with a few questions by an individual I work with today. Keep in mind, that I am not the most stable person in the world, cause to be honest, I mutilate myself often. My arms are covered with scabs and small scars and a few larger ones as well. I'm not proud of this, but it is me... I find penatence in pain and sorrow. The questions brought to my attention today were of a religious sort. The person who asked them is a devote Christian, the faith that I was born into, and raised to follow. However, my beliefs no longer follow that road. One of the questions he asked, compared the God of his understanding to the movie the Matrix. He asked me, "If God presented you a question in the form Morpheus asked Neo, with a blue and red pill, and his question happened to be: 'If I could give you eternal happiness and love, would you take it? All you have to do is take the red pill. I will love you forever if you just serve me in life. Take the blue pill and you can hoof it on your own, and believe what you want to believe, but in the end, you will be detatched from my love." My response to that was, "I would take the BLUE pill before I even gave it a thought. I have always been the kind of person who believes in myself. I don't need a 'God' to help me with that. I believe in a Higher Power, but if that Higher Power actually loves his creations the way that you say he does, why would he expect us to 'worship' and 'serve' him? If the Higher Power truly cared so much, to me, I think he/she wouldn't care how we believed, just as long as we 'had an idea' of something greater and that we try to live our lives the best we can. To say that someone who hasn't led the life you have and doesn't believe in the same things you do is automatically sentenced to hell, just isn't right." He cut me off here, saying, "Well, it's always been in human nature to want to be governed in some ways... but I believe that if God created us to serve and worship him, and he'll give us eternal bliss in return, that's just a small favor to ask isn't it?" That's where our conversation ended, but I thought about it some... and I've made my answer. This is it, "Never will I be forced or expected to serve and worship anyone. I am my own being. I believe in something, and if that is not good enough for the being in charge somewhere, then, what is the point of existing? I do things in life because I am required to do because I have to to survive, but I don't have to follow a belief structure I can't follow in order to do the same. Any 'Great Creator' should know that by giving us all free will, that some will choose not to believe and that all will choose to believe in their own way, individually. Nothing can prevent me from obtaining my goals but me... nothing can make it so I have lived a good life, but me... and no one can tell me how to feel, but me... I am responsible for myself. I don't believe in a higher power that expects servitude. I am my own God. There is something greater than myself, but it knows that as long as I try my best at what I am capable of, and not go down the path that we humans have decided is the wrong path... I should be rectified. If this doesn't make any sense to you at all... then don't speak to me about this again." Morbid thought of the Day: Sulfuric acid... hehehe... Wonder what it would feel like... getting it poured on someone... would it feel like bursting into flames, or something else? Hmmm... and what would it look like? *imagines to self* My Quote: "There is so much we all can achieve, try and try until you find out what you are capable of... cause if you don't, you're wasting precious time." --------------------------------- I added this at lunch break today, please comment on it. Shroud Sanity lost forever Numbness lingering in the dark A man's soul is caught in the void Hovering still like a picture The only sound is the chains that bind him Desperately he searches his environment with his eyes Nothing but blackness around him He cries out, but to no avail There is nothing here, deep in his heart The chains will never loosen This time, he gives up Silent for eternity now Nothing able to reach him anymore, he drifts aimlessly Concentrating only on the emptiness filling his eyes He too, fades into darkness

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

   Hmmm... psychological help? What's that?

I have officially freaked out my coworkers today... they almost called the State Hospital on me and they really don't want me to continue working today... but I have to, so I get to go back after lunch HAHAHA... To be honest, I really think I need professional help of some sort. 12 step programs don't work for me anymore, and my friends can only help so much. I guess... as long as I don't need any meds, that's all I care about. Maybe I'll schedule something in the next week or two. HONEST QUESTION: does anyone here think it will help me to see a shrink? Or am I too far gone and should just be locked up?

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   WTF...

Well... my night was just a little bit of a waste... Tried to help my mom, but that flopped. HAHAHA... hours off my life I'd like to have back now! Then I get home... and find out a couple things I didn't want to find out... TURNS OUT MY SCANNER IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH WINDOWS XP... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! THEN... MY WEBSITE ISN'T ACCEPTING MY ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD!!! ARGH! I can't update it, or even work on it until something with my server gets fixed... fucking hurricanes... I SMITE YOU!!! MWAHAHAA!!! Alright everyone... no more hurricanes for america... *in background someone whispers: man he is such a heretic!* AND THEN... (I hate using movie quotes...) -_-... Everyone feels the need to talk on MSN tonight... it's a good thing... but why me? 6 ppl I can handle... 13 I cannot... WHEW... Morbid thought of the Day: What would a highly electrocuted human taste like? Burnt to a crisp... would they taste like chicken? DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT... *gawks back* My Quote: "Sanity is the nature of mind that our soul wants to achieve, but seldom finds... we are natural born mental breakdowns in the waiting..."

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Morning... lalala... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Wow... 5 hours sleep. Much deserved too. I think as soon as I post my post tonight, I'll go to bed... that way maybe I'll be able to get 7 1/2 then... Anyway, I've been thinking again (reminder: you'll need to run for cover). The main thing is that I need to get the power cord for my scanner from my mom (it used to be hers) so I can start uploading my art... and then I think I'll touch up Episode 3 of the story Tenchi and I have been working on... so expect that soon. Well, I'm off to make some breakfast... I leave you with a poem. ---------------------------------- Can't you see that I'm not myself, just not right Looking into the mirror and cringing at the sight What happened to the me that used to be seen Someone who could let things go, I seemed so free Now the emptiness has taken me whole Engulfed the happiness, now I can't console Why do I feel so dead inside, drifting away But yet seem so complete, heading into the fray I'll never lose my path again, that is clear Now that my mind is made up, I'll have no fear It was nice knowing you through all these years Matbe someday, just for you, I can shed some tears...

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   Another day... another wierd dream...

Sometimes I just think the entire existence of my reality is just a facade... a dream... something hidden. All of the relationships I have with friends are getting tested at the moment, and I'm not even focusing on them... I'm just putting one foot in front of the other... just like usual. Morbid thought of the Day: Must... breed... centipede... Can train to kill... take over world... My Quote: "Selfless sacrifice just tends to be useless, unless used for a proper reason..."

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Monday, September 20, 2004

   Work, chores, and favors...

Well... I honestly have nothing to talk about tonight... (BTW, if you hadn't noticed, I post these at the time change so therefore I am actually refering to the previous day when I type my posts. But I know I can't get this past any of you out there... lalala) My day wasn't bad... except I did nothing but contructive stuff... *snarls* what a waste huh? I had to work for someone on my day off today(WORK)... whoopee, then do some chores around my home like cleaning up, doing laundry, and fixing my infernal computer(CHORES)... and finally do my mothers GODFORSAKEN weedeating!!!(FAVORS), and I still didn't get it done *sigh*... My centipede is happy and for those who WANT to know... I still have yet to name him. The problem is... the free crickets I got are the chirping kind... so it now sounds like I'm sleeping outside while inside my apartment at night. Luckily I'm a heavy sleeper LOL... -_- Now feel the wrath of the Dragon of the Darkness Flame!!! MWAHAHA!!!

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Sunday, September 19, 2004

   Staying up to do nothing as usual...

Ok... to start things off, here is a pic that I saw while visiting Demonboy's site a few moments ago... and I thought it quite hilarious and painful to think about... Otherwise... I think for until I go to bed, I'll catch up on all my guestbook entries... there is 65 of them now... whew... My intention tonight was to go and see the new Ghost in the Shell movie... but it's only available to be seen near my town Oct. 1st and it will be in Lawrence (about 50 miles away). DAMN IT!!! So Tenchi Kumori, Sennin Hidenka and I all saw Cellular instead... I was actually suprised that it was better than I thought it would be. Anyway... I also got my centipede some crickets... and guess what? THEY WERE FREE!!! I had my friend run me around to 3 different pet stores so we could find some... the first 2 were out of stock of crickets and I was tired of not being able to get them. But at the third store (3rd time is the charm eh?), we had a stoner guy ask what we needed. I told him I needed crickets... his response: "We have large ones." NO SHIT!!! I knew they sold crickets and that they only sold the large ones... I was told that by someone from a different store. AAAAHHHH!!! So anyway... he continues to ask what I needed them for *thought to self: WELL DUH!!! FOR SOMETHING THAT EATS THEM...*, and I explained as he headed back to the back to get them for me. Seconds later... I got 2 dozen crickets, and on the way to the cash register I ask which register he'd ring me up at cause there was nobody at them, and he says to "go ahead"... So I ask, "You mean they're free?" He says, "Sure, why not?" Without a second thought I said thanks and left the store. Hey... maybe my Metallica tour shirt impressed him or something like that... either that, or he was just a little slow... HAHAHA!!! *no one talks to invisble person next to him* "Thank you STONERMAN!!!" Morbid thought of the Day: Think of this for a moment... if a carcass was left to rot in the sun for a long, long time and didn't expel the noxious vapors from it... could you use it as a beach ball if it cotained enough gas to float? HAHAHA! My Quote: "Realizing your own faults is a quick way to stop blaming others for your problems..."

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

   it's a little past noon here but... MORNING!!!

Well... today I have a couple errands to run... 1st: I need to get some food for my centipede before he starves to death... 2nd: Need to wash clothes 3rd: Try to find a local movie theatre that is showing the Ghost in the Shell 2 movie That's it... my life isn't all that interesting, even if I might be... ---------------------------------- Hiker(remember, this is mine, so don't steal it please): The shadow of a man quivers in fear As the landscape of mountains come into view The path he takes is shrouded in mist And changes elevation almost constantly He continues on, never knowing what to expect His feelings and emotions mimic his location This is a current reflection of his life Always changing like a roller coaster He treads on, knowing the path will not level out Keeping his head high, hoping for the best His feet scramble up the next mountain Maybe someday he'll bound from peak to peak Who knows?...

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   Went to see the new Resident Evil movie... and other things too...

At least I didn't blow a whole lot of money tonight though... even though I decided to purchase a mahjiong set... (not sure if I spelled that right or not), which in total will set me back $150!! Yes... I have it on layaway... Anyway... the movie was cool, a lot better than the first one. Had chinese food for dinner and basically did nothing else. I tried to get ahold of some more anime... but I seriously doubt that I need to buy any more for awhile since I can't afford it at the moment... Morbid thought of the day: How would a real city handle an outbreak of a serious virus that could do what the T-Virus did? And how grotesque do you think it would make ppl look? My Quote: "Don't look at the sky in awe unless you are willing to strive for it..."

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Friday, September 17, 2004

   unknown title...

Sinister feelings buried alive Kicking and screaming from the inside Breaking the chains of doubt and pain Striving for something much more than shame Clarity of emotions now in reach Seeking sanctuary in the new reality

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