Friday, September 24, 2004

Ramblings of a troubled mind...

Well... another day goes by. And I'm left wondering yet again, why I make the choices I do. This post was a little late for me, cause I was thinking about what I should type. I was confronted with a few questions by an individual I work with today. Keep in mind, that I am not the most stable person in the world, cause to be honest, I mutilate myself often. My arms are covered with scabs and small scars and a few larger ones as well. I'm not proud of this, but it is me... I find penatence in pain and sorrow. The questions brought to my attention today were of a religious sort. The person who asked them is a devote Christian, the faith that I was born into, and raised to follow. However, my beliefs no longer follow that road. One of the questions he asked, compared the God of his understanding to the movie the Matrix. He asked me, "If God presented you a question in the form Morpheus asked Neo, with a blue and red pill, and his question happened to be: 'If I could give you eternal happiness and love, would you take it? All you have to do is take the red pill. I will love you forever if you just serve me in life. Take the blue pill and you can hoof it on your own, and believe what you want to believe, but in the end, you will be detatched from my love." My response to that was, "I would take the BLUE pill before I even gave it a thought. I have always been the kind of person who believes in myself. I don't need a 'God' to help me with that. I believe in a Higher Power, but if that Higher Power actually loves his creations the way that you say he does, why would he expect us to 'worship' and 'serve' him? If the Higher Power truly cared so much, to me, I think he/she wouldn't care how we believed, just as long as we 'had an idea' of something greater and that we try to live our lives the best we can. To say that someone who hasn't led the life you have and doesn't believe in the same things you do is automatically sentenced to hell, just isn't right." He cut me off here, saying, "Well, it's always been in human nature to want to be governed in some ways... but I believe that if God created us to serve and worship him, and he'll give us eternal bliss in return, that's just a small favor to ask isn't it?" That's where our conversation ended, but I thought about it some... and I've made my answer. This is it, "Never will I be forced or expected to serve and worship anyone. I am my own being. I believe in something, and if that is not good enough for the being in charge somewhere, then, what is the point of existing? I do things in life because I am required to do because I have to to survive, but I don't have to follow a belief structure I can't follow in order to do the same. Any 'Great Creator' should know that by giving us all free will, that some will choose not to believe and that all will choose to believe in their own way, individually. Nothing can prevent me from obtaining my goals but me... nothing can make it so I have lived a good life, but me... and no one can tell me how to feel, but me... I am responsible for myself. I don't believe in a higher power that expects servitude. I am my own God. There is something greater than myself, but it knows that as long as I try my best at what I am capable of, and not go down the path that we humans have decided is the wrong path... I should be rectified. If this doesn't make any sense to you at all... then don't speak to me about this again." Morbid thought of the Day: Sulfuric acid... hehehe... Wonder what it would feel like... getting it poured on someone... would it feel like bursting into flames, or something else? Hmmm... and what would it look like? *imagines to self* My Quote: "There is so much we all can achieve, try and try until you find out what you are capable of... cause if you don't, you're wasting precious time." --------------------------------- I added this at lunch break today, please comment on it. Shroud Sanity lost forever Numbness lingering in the dark A man's soul is caught in the void Hovering still like a picture The only sound is the chains that bind him Desperately he searches his environment with his eyes Nothing but blackness around him He cries out, but to no avail There is nothing here, deep in his heart The chains will never loosen This time, he gives up Silent for eternity now Nothing able to reach him anymore, he drifts aimlessly Concentrating only on the emptiness filling his eyes He too, fades into darkness

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