Monday, April 23, 2007

I SAW A FISH!!!
Mood:

Today was another day like Thursday night...I'm not really all that social right now, but at the same time I don't want to be alone...I already feel alone and all emo again...I hate feeling emo...it's....EMO feeling. =/ All depressed and "woe is me"...=/ I'm sorry....

Anyway...people are annoying me again. >_< ruining things for me that i was happy about for once or remember for once...How am I supposed to be happy that way? Why is it that I can't find anybody close by to treat me kindly and want to be with me as more than a friend or as a sibling? I don't get it and it makes me sad....I wanna cry half the time...Being in love with Geoff hurts so damned much...It tears me apart inside half of the time, but those few moments when I'm talking to him I'm happy...I smile...He's gotten me to open up, he's given me self confidence and he's not all like the guys I hang out with here...sure, some of them aren’t bad, but if you knew my "friends" here...you'd understand what I mean...It's not cool....I hate it so fucking much 99% of the time.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Such a lonely day...and it's mine. The loneliest day of my life.
Today has been a horrid day. It makes me depressed and despite my efforts, my feelings can not stay...Yet they do not listen...I've felt so alone all day, one of the most important people to me...~sighs some, shaking her head~...It's hard for me to explain at this moment...and it makes it hurt worse. I am a broken girl in a broken life, and I don't know how to fix it. I think that if I can find a way to fix it, that I can fix myself and be happy once more...but that would only work if I could figure out who I really am...Most people don't go self-searching until about their mid-life crisis or their twenties...but ever since the 8th grade, I have been trying to figure out who I really am and why I do what I do to people...

I'm a horrible person, though I am nice if you really get to know me, though I don't see it. I have an imature personality that gets me nowhere but alone. I know this may sound self-bashing...but it is. That's what I've been doing all day though I know it's wrong and I shouldn't...but how can I not? I'm an idiot, I bring pain onto myself and it hurts worse and worse the more I have to face it, making me wish I was dead 90% of the time...I need help...yet I refuse it.

Geoff...he gave me some self confidence again, and I refuse to let anybody push me that far back into my hole once more...though I am receding back into it...I dunno what to do half of the time, and I feel as if I make an ass out of myself the more and more I talk to him, pushing him futher and further back...

What the hell am I supposed to do? [Why do I have deja vou at this time of all times...?] Why must I be a glutton for punishment?...Maybe I really am emo....just like a different kind...Not the kind that you see running a round cutting their wrists...or maybe just a pathetic excuse for a human...I dunno...but it's sad...

This day...has made me think a bunch and the slightest thing has been making me cry...I messed with my DEV journal today...and when my whole post disappeared, I started crying. Cody...even though i was trying to put up my "nothing's wrong" front...even when I said nothing to him, he could tell how I was feeling. When I was about to cry, he came up telling me not to worry about things that it was something stupid and to cheer up...Nobody else seemed to noticed until I was moping around the school and crying in my Biology class...But even then, nobody really noticed...

...I don't really have many friends at this school, and the only people close to true friends I have here, I only see hgere and it makes things worse...I'm a lonely person that is being driven insane by the silence around me...a person that has lost hope for life...Soetimes I wish I did jump out infront of that bus, but other times I don't...But right now...I kinda do...yet I'm proud of myself for not doing so...sorry if I'm being an annoying whiney bitch.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Pandas are coming, They'll rip your ass to shreds
MoodL Beer is good...

Did you all know that Captain America was sniped...and DIED?...WTF PEOPLES!?...~sighs~ I found out a month ago...but come on pplz...No.

But yeah, today was interesting...IT was some day of silence or some shit like that for gay and lesbian rights...[>_>;;...uh...I failed. Got to school and told everybody good morning. XD]

Kelsey was cosplaying as Ed...from FMA...It was interesting...kinda really NOT shocking.
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Monday, April 16, 2007

And it has soem sort of parrallelism...>_>;;
Mood: Yeah...today was long. I pulled an all-nighter on the phone with Geoff. ~blushes uber deeply~...Never done that before...and it was fun. ~squees~
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Saturday, April 14, 2007

ABCDLSD, gummy bears a chasing me, one is white, one is blue, one just stole my F***ing shoe.
Mood:

The day after my 18th b-day fuggin RAWKS. The party was pretty bland, and Isaac, for the past 2 days has ditched me to go get stoned...shocker there. He even skipped my 18th birthday party to go get stoned. -_- great friend, huh? Grrrr...It just really bothers the hell out of me. Seriously! What the fuck!? You don't fucking do that to somebody you call your best friend! God damnit!!...

anyway

Yeah, the only people that came was benben, yuzuki, hannah, kelsey, snowballz, ryker and momo. It made me sad...Everybody had somebody to snuggle with in the great lackage of blankies in the freezing ass cold room...except for me. I wanted to snuggle, too...The great amount of love in the room made me in a snuggly mood but nobody to snuggle with. T-T I almost clung to Ryker's head. lol
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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Happy birthday to moi! ^-^
Today's my birthday and so far it seems pretty fucking awesome. ^-^
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Senoir paper...and no...NOT senior paper...
Mood:

Says it all...
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That's impossible, because this room has Anti-finger technology.
Mood: BLEAH!!!!

Good morning peoples! ^-^ Nothin much here. One day until my 18th b-day. ~squees~ Yeah, I have nightschool tonight, and afterwards, I'm going out and partying with Isaac! ^-^ it's gonna be fun. We still dunno what he's getting me for my birthday presant. I kinda told Geoff I wouldn't get my tongue pierced. =/ Damn. There went that idea. -_-;; And it sucks because I finally got the guts to do it, too. >_<

Lastnight....I was kinda really depressed...But I got over it. I kinda had a self-kick to the face...Making me realize a few things...but it's all good.

Lastnight, when Isaac spent the night, we put in the Grudge 2 and tried watching it, but then we chickened out...then we tried watching it later and it made us uber bored. -_-;; Sad...BUT...I fast-forwarded it to the best 2 parts, the scene where the school shrink in Tokyo makes the funny sound, then when the old man on the bus is playing peek-a-boo with Toshiyo. ^-^ Laughed my ass off...I thought I was gonna pee myself I was laughing so hard. lol but yeah...I felt bad. I couldn't keep talking to Geoff to cheer him up yesterday...=[ I had a guest...and I really enjoy talking to him, infact, I look forward to it, but Isaac was getting bored listening to me on the phone...so yeah. =[ gomen.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I drained the soul of a monk once. It tasted like Chocolate.
Mood:


good morrow, peoples! How're you? I'm okay...I totally forgot what I said esterday, then had Geoff read it. o_o;;; v____v;;; embarrassed the fuck outta me. >_< He's mean. T-T ~whimpers some~...bUt I'm rather pleased that he read it...even if he's reading this after I posted it. >_>;; ~whimpers more and blushes some~ I can't really utter those words...not those exact ones...It's so hard for me. I have to either type them or write them...I can't ever say them...Hell, I can even act upon them half of the time!! -_- GRAWR!!! but yeah.

yesterday I went home with a migrane...=[ it sucked. Some cops lookd at me all funny. o_O made me nervous as hell. XD I smoke, and I told my mom on easter, but then she told me not to do anything stupid...Does that include smoking when you're waiting for your ride home when you're not on school grounds? o_o It's only 2 days before my 18th birthday...TWO DAYS!!! ~whimpers~...so close...and tomorrow night I'm gonna be out the whole time partying. lol funny.
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Monday, April 9, 2007

Listen to your
Mood: content happiness

Well, I was on the phone until my phone died lastnight with Geoff. ^-^ He makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. ~giggles all giddy-like~ he treats me wonderfully and doesn't try to change me really...ya know...Once Zack broke up with me, I looked back on the relationship only to find out that the feelings were one-sided and he was a dick. =/ I'm sorry...but he only talked to me when he wanted to get off it seemed. It depressed me, and 90% of the time when I was "going out" with him, I was depressed...But with Geoff, I'm not. He makes me happy, and the only thing about him that makes me depressed is the fact that I can't ever hold onto him...To tell him I love him face-to-face...I hate long distance relationships. they tear me apart...~sighs some~ but I'm so pathetic...


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