Friday, April 20, 2007

Such a lonely day...and it's mine. The loneliest day of my life.
Today has been a horrid day. It makes me depressed and despite my efforts, my feelings can not stay...Yet they do not listen...I've felt so alone all day, one of the most important people to me...~sighs some, shaking her head~...It's hard for me to explain at this moment...and it makes it hurt worse. I am a broken girl in a broken life, and I don't know how to fix it. I think that if I can find a way to fix it, that I can fix myself and be happy once more...but that would only work if I could figure out who I really am...Most people don't go self-searching until about their mid-life crisis or their twenties...but ever since the 8th grade, I have been trying to figure out who I really am and why I do what I do to people...

I'm a horrible person, though I am nice if you really get to know me, though I don't see it. I have an imature personality that gets me nowhere but alone. I know this may sound self-bashing...but it is. That's what I've been doing all day though I know it's wrong and I shouldn't...but how can I not? I'm an idiot, I bring pain onto myself and it hurts worse and worse the more I have to face it, making me wish I was dead 90% of the time...I need help...yet I refuse it.

Geoff...he gave me some self confidence again, and I refuse to let anybody push me that far back into my hole once more...though I am receding back into it...I dunno what to do half of the time, and I feel as if I make an ass out of myself the more and more I talk to him, pushing him futher and further back...

What the hell am I supposed to do? [Why do I have deja vou at this time of all times...?] Why must I be a glutton for punishment?...Maybe I really am emo....just like a different kind...Not the kind that you see running a round cutting their wrists...or maybe just a pathetic excuse for a human...I dunno...but it's sad...

This day...has made me think a bunch and the slightest thing has been making me cry...I messed with my DEV journal today...and when my whole post disappeared, I started crying. Cody...even though i was trying to put up my "nothing's wrong" front...even when I said nothing to him, he could tell how I was feeling. When I was about to cry, he came up telling me not to worry about things that it was something stupid and to cheer up...Nobody else seemed to noticed until I was moping around the school and crying in my Biology class...But even then, nobody really noticed...

...I don't really have many friends at this school, and the only people close to true friends I have here, I only see hgere and it makes things worse...I'm a lonely person that is being driven insane by the silence around me...a person that has lost hope for life...Soetimes I wish I did jump out infront of that bus, but other times I don't...But right now...I kinda do...yet I'm proud of myself for not doing so...sorry if I'm being an annoying whiney bitch.

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