Wednesday, July 27, 2005

   A SHITTY END TO A GOOD DAY
Okay, today was real good, tonight however was shit.

Today, around three Korin came over and we hung out and talked. We talked about things, and then played and fed the kittens. Mom and Royce got home and then ordered us some pizza. After eating, her and I walked to the park. Anyway we got back and then waited for her mom. So today was pretty good... I actually got to meet Korin, instead of just, well, seeing her.

Anyway... yeah... then the bomb fell over my life yet again. I could feel it getting closer and closer, well, it hit.

After Korin left, I was talking to Brian. Well, then I went to ask my mom a question, and well, I asked it nicely. She starts yelling at me, and it isn't what we were yelling about that made me angry. She claimed I never said anything about the phones, and I had, countless times before, and she doesn't listen, and she starts yelling at me for things. I am the type of person, if someone yells at me, I yell right back. Well, so then that got me real angry.

Then I had to call my dad who was out of town, so I had to talk to my step mom. Well, that was a bomb shell in a half. Since I am fostering the kittens, I can't take them there, because her cat(jaz) doesn't do well with other animals, plus that has always been their rule, that I can't have any pets of my own. Anyway, she said that the week my mom and stepdad are gone, that I can stay there, but I can't bring the kittens. So I don't want to go there because I am not going to leave the kittens alone to fucking die. And then I have the option of taking them to my aunt, and uncles house with my brother and sister-in-law... but we have a family reunion on the thirteenth. I just thought, hey I could take them to that. Well my step mom said that it was inappropriate. So then again, if I leave them anywhere I will make them starve. I can't do that... sorry. Then she said it is all my fault that I put myself in this situation because I new about the family reunion. But then if I don't go to the family reunion then everyone will be mad at me and I wouldn't be able to see my grandma and great grandparents... and everyone else.

And that isn't even the half of it. The guy who raped me finally left me alone for about a week and a half, I was so happy; well, he started contacting me again. And I have contacted the police again, but they haven't got the time to write me back and I have wrote them a few e-mails.

I am so angry and I wonder why the hell I am still here on this not so green earth. All I do is put everyone out of their way and make their life harder. Not once have I made it easier.

Not even my family cares... they say they do, but never have they tried to make me happy. Take my dad and step mom for example... their rule has always been that I can't have pets at their house... pets, the only thing that ever made me happy. Mom, she said that I could foster cats, but that put my step-dad at risk and he makes me angry enough already to add this on top of it. God, I honestly can't stand this shit. I can't stand this crap that I have to constantly go through. And I can't give the cats away because that makes me irrisponsible.

Carolyn (my stepmom) and everyone else at one point or another has said that it is all my fault, that I feel this way. Carolyn says I don't bottle things up, but she doesn't know me... I do. My dad doesn't know me, he never really did. Royce (my stepdad) doesn't now me, and not even my own fucking mother knows me.

My mom and I used to get along. We used to be able to talk about things. Now when I try, I am taking up her time, or she yells at me for it, or she is tired, or she says we will talk about it later, and we never do. I can't stand this, I can't stand Colorado. I just wish I could vanish and never have to deal with this fucking drama that everyone puts me through. It isn't all my fault here people, you guys need to take some god damn responsiblity of it too.

They also don't let me have the releif I need... some time away... yes they let me go see my sister for a week, but they wont let me go see Brian. My dad says that he didn't treat me well enough, and may that be so, we are still friends. My mom says she doesn't want anything to happen to me again, well, there is no way that she can prevent it. No one can. No one will ever ask what I want. Ever since my mom got married, I don't have a say in anything... I mean, I like to be informed... but no one ever decides to tell me anything and when they do, they get mad that I don't already know. Or I get mad at them because it is something that either involves me, or something of mine. Or my schedule.

But no... no one ever decides to fucking listen to me, and I am tired of it. They say they listen, they all say they care... But I don't see them doing anything to prove that, to help me get over this, to help me not feel like a god damn stranger... hello I am your daughter for crying out loud. And when you get "scared" when I talked about suicide, you guys lead me to it. I try and confide in you. I try and talk to you, but all you guys ever do is fuckin brush me off, or blame me, and that doesn't help. Or you wisk me off to some therapist who says I am fine.

And then there is all this crap going on with my friends... like chrissy and how I don't agree with her dating someone who is 22, and not telling her mom... but it isn't like that matters anyway, she is going to do what she wants... no matter how anyone; friends or family feel about it. Then there is Sondra... and we are oka... but still, there are things that need to be talked about and how I have to be there because she is pregnant... meh, and pretty much dirt with everyone else.

Whatever, I am out, I can't even see the screen anymore, the tears are just to thick. And I know that none of you are going to read this, so it doesn't even matter.

I can't take this, and I am sick and tired of trying to think I can.

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love--- ha only to those that deserve it.

Thanks a whole bunch for nothing people/parents.

And for those who actually do help and listen, thanks... you know who you are.
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