Monday, August 1, 2005

   Why Am I Living If All I Do Is Make Everyone's Life Harder?
Come on here, seriously. Apparently, I think I have found a new talent; make everyones life harder, and mine as well. But I am the sole cause of it says everyone, so I am starting to agree with that.

By the way, anyone and everyone who read my last post, disregard it. And to those of you who haven't... then don't read it. I am naive and all I ever get is false hopes. And yet again there was another one.

I have been crying practically all day... since mabybe around four or so after getting an e-mail, but I sorrta deserve it, so it doesn't matter. I new it was just a crush and that hence I would be crushed by it, but I couldn't help it. The e-mail prooving what I thought all along. He is married. ((although I didn't see a ring... hmmm, ha I WIN, not really, I wish.))

Even when he called... I tried soo, soo, soo hard to not cry, but the second I hung up, I was again bawling.

I can't deal with this family shit, I can't stand living here, I can't stand living in general. I can't stand crushes. Now, everyone who reads this is going to think I am suicidal again. But I am so numb and hurt right now from everything that I can barely think, move or feel.

I just don't know what to do. I can't face anything, and I am all alone. Yes I have a few close friends that say they care, that say they will be there, but in every way I turn, I am all alone.

Everyone askes what is wrong, and I can't tell them... it is just to much. Everything that is wrong is all bunched up together and I can't tell one thing from another. It is just too much. It is all to much. I can't deal... I have tried.

And I am only going to let a select few of you know what pushed me over the edge. I think a lot of you can guess... but the select few will know the details.

Anyway... here is a song and I hope you all take the time to read. It is how I feel (or hence, not feel) right now.

"The Tin Man"
Saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
How I wish I could give him mine
Then I wouldn't have to feel it breaking all apart
And this emptiness inside would suit me fine

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
They could hurt me all they wanted
And I'd never even know
I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul

I couldn't see your leavin' comin'
It took me by surprise
Even now it still seems like a dream
BUT I KNOW I CAN'T BE DREAMIN'
'CAUSE AS I LAY DOWN EACH NIGHT
THE PAINS SO GREAT THAT IT WONT LET ME SLEEP

It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
And I'd never even know
I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so



Yeah, that is sorta what I wish. I wish I were the tin man. Having a heart and soul isn't all it is cracked up to be.

This is one of my poems I just added, it is called WHY?: http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/92/poem_762900.html

I don't know what to do. I have tried everything I can think of to stop the pain. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to start cutting again, but I can't think of anything else that has helped.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I am broken hearted and confused.

This is my last poem that I am putting up here. It is called Confessions Of A Broken Heart: http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/92/poem_762904.html

I am sorry everyone... I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me for what I do and what I decide. I am SO sorry... like I said.. everyone, please please, forgive me.

I can't help what I feel, nothing dulls the pain.

Why do I like him so much? Besides the obvious, why? I know that he is taken, that nothing could happen... but still a tiny part of me has hope. Why do I kid myself? Why... just why? I can't stop thinking of him, I can't help remembering his gentle voice... I just can't help it. I know I shouldn't, but I can't block the emotions. I can't take back what my heart feels, and I know all I am going to get is crushed. But still, getting crushed isn't scaring the emotion away, not even a tad bit. I like him, Maybe more. I don't even know it really... I think of him, I can see him, I can hear him. His voice soothes me. Why? Just why?

My last words are these: "Adam and Eve created love; Romeo and Juliet made love; Julius Caesar fought for love, but like Sampson, I am ready to die for love."
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