Thursday, August 4, 2005

   What next??
First off, this is not going to be a happy post, so you can't get mad at me because you chose to read it. So again... you are warned.

I would make a list of everything going wrong, but why write a book? No point, it wont change. Nothing is getting better, nor changing for the better. But only somethings are getting worse. But not all things, so that is sorrta good I guess.

I don't know what to do about anything and everything anymore. I really don't.

Brian and I faught yesterday just because I have a crush. But I am not with either of them, and there is no way that I will ever get a chance with my crush; he is married. So what is the friggen deal? I am not with either on of them, so it isn't like what he did with me. I mean hello everybody... which is worse? Having a crush on someone? Or going back and forth between two people... actually getting with one then the other? Okay, with me, I am not with either of them, and I wont be with one ever. Yeah I like them both, love them both, but that is what he said about both Sammi and I.

Anyway... now he is all talking suicidal and all that. And he all says he wants help, but he hasn't accepted any advice, nor has he done anything to prevent this. Like he went off his meds, which were to prevent him getting into a deeper depression. But his come back to that is that he doesn't want to be dependant on anything or anyone. I mean, I tryed saying things, but he either kept contradicting it, or wouldn't listen.

I don't really give a fuck anymore. About anything... friends, family, and all the other shit going on.

It's a lie. That is a lie right there.

Because if I didn't care anymore I wouldn't be crying. And I would be able to stop crying... I wouldn't care that people I love are talking about suicide or are sleeping around. Hell I wouldn't love people in general. I wouldn't give advice to people. I wouldn't give adivce to people that don't take it to heart. I wouldn't care when people aplogized without meaning it. I wouldn't care when people ignored me. I wouldn't get upset when people accused me of lying. I wouldn't care when people talk about me, which I know they do. I wouldn't care that my friend murdered my best friend. And it certianly wouldn't make me cry every time I think of it.

But because I am not like that, I am crying right now in fact.

I am sick and tired of people asking for my advice and then blow it off. Come on, you asked me what I thought. I hate it when people don't take to heart what I say. If I didn't mean it, then why the hell would I say it or write it? I mean, I write in here for a reason. I write what I feel and think and the people who actually care can read it. And if people get mad at what I write then that is their own fault. They don't try and listen to what I have to say, so they can read it, if they truly care.

I don't know why I care. I really don't. Everyone I have ever known (except Korin, Brandon, and Richard) has walked all over me. I am so weak, even though everyone calls me strong. Tell me this, if I was strong, why couldn't I have had enough faith in myself to fight ben off from raping me? If I was strong, then why am I always at the mercy of everyone time and time again. If I was strong, how come I keep going back to the people who hurt me over and over?

Alright, I am under so much stress here that I am getting sick all over again. This is getting worse than last November when I had to be taken to the Emergency Room. But I can't get to the doctor because we only have one truck, and so since my step dad works, then he gets it. So I just hope to God that I don't have anything serious... which I doubt I do, but still, better safe than sorry, right?

Lets see, also with family things. Since I am fostering kittens, my dad and step mom wont allow me to go to their house nor the family reunion coming up. They say that I am putting words into their mouth, but here are my options:
-Go to the reunion, and starve the kittens (which I can't do because that is so insensitive to the kittens)
-Not go to the reunion, and keeping the kittens alive (but I still want to see my family because I haven't seen them in a while)
-Pawn the kittens off on someone else for a day (but I can't do that because I can't find anyone, and two, I am not supposed to do that in the foster agreement)
SO yeah, no where in the options can I truly have what I want. Which is keeping the kittens alive and being able to take them so I can also see my family. So that pisses me off. Also because my dad and step mom are soo hypicritical. They say one thing, then do the other. Not caring how it affects me in the least. But I am not going to go ranting into that because then you guys would be reading for the next couple days.

The memories of the rape have been eating away at me like acid. I have now only been getting a few hours (one or two) of sleep each night, and it isn't restful at all in the least. Although I have started the process of filling a charge and all that, I still have to recall the event, I still have to remember the details which I want out of my head so badly. The memories... I don't even want to blink because I see it. Right there, like it is happening all over again. I wish I could just go to sleep and never have to wake up and remember all the shit going on.


And then there is the shit with my step-dad. He gets mad at every little thing. Like if the TV is on to something he didn't put on, or if someone else wants to watch something... OR EVEN IF I WALK BY THE GOD DAMN ROOM he gets mad. Hello, that isn't right. I am tired of feeling like a guest in my own house. I am tired of everyone treating me like I am invisible. I mean seriously, if I vanished, only a select few would actually know I am gone, and they would only realize it after a few days, and that right there is just sad.

Plus, all this other teenage drama from all my other friends... even if I am not in it, they drag me into it, then I carry the baggage too. And then starting to talk to an old friend with whom I haven't been talking to in a while because she didn't have the time, nor did I agree with what she was doing.

And I wouldn't be stressed if I didn't care. I wouldn't. And you know what? I would love that. Never be stressed again. I know I am to stressed and I worry to much. And maybe if you try hard enough you could see that is obviously because I care. I mean, why the hell else would I... not want people doing things that they are doing and try to stop them, not having any effect on what they do whatsoever so it all being in vain? Hm... I don't know.

And even though it happened five years ago, I somtime still remember Sarah... and what Dale did. At times like these I miss her. She used to make everything better. She used to get me to laugh, used to show me bad things in a new and better light. I don't have that anymore. I don't have my teen mother. How can I ever forgive Dale for what he did? He was on LSD, yeah so what. He shouldn't have even been doing that. All his broken promises to me, all everyones broken promises, I can't trust anything is right anymore.

Earning my trust is difficult, but re-gaining it is nearly impossible. Deffinatly if you try it multiple times.

...don't expect me to be to forgiving from now on. I have been way to forgiving and giving in general. It makes me easy to take advantage of, I noticed. It took a long time for me to see that, but now I do. And if you do take advatage of me, there's no way in hell you are going to be forgiven. And I should have been standing by that a long time ago, but again, I was just to weak.

You know what bugs me? FAKES. People that act like they care but when it comes down to it, they don't give a shit about you. All they care about is themselves, and hell, that's understandable, because the most number one important person in anyone's life should be themself. But they shouldn't be so goddamn concieted that they don't care about anyone else. Espically when they are supposed to be friends to certian people, and maybe when they call them, that person says "I wanna die" and the other person just blows them off. I am not the only person who that has happened to either. It happens more times than you think.

Another thing I hate is when people apoligize and don't mean it (granted I sometimes do that)I mean why waste your time aplogizing when you could be doing something oh so much more constructive? Espically when the person is upset, oh yes let us fuel their anger or sadness more by aplogizing and not meaning it! Yes, lets.

And I know I am complaining and ranting, but you are the one that chose you read this, so deal with it or leave me the hell alone.

And then there is the whole crush thing. All bitter-sweet. I really like him. I acknowledge the fact that there is nothing that I get out of it... seems like almost every relationship and friendship I have ever had. How Ironic. I know my feelings. I know what my head tells me to do, I know what my heart says. I can't listen to either. I can't actually TALK with him... but then it is hard to just write it too. Again, why do I do this to myself? Just why?

The only person to cheer me up right now? I don't know. I really don't. I mean, Brandon can always relate to me and make me smile, and Korin, well she makes me smile too, and lets me get things talked out, and with the things her and I relate too, she helps talk it out. Richard, maybe he could help, although it is four in the morning. And well, just talking with him, hearing his voice makes me forget everything that is wrong with this world. Which is a real corny thing to say, but still, none-the-less his voice IS captivating.

I better run for cover, I better hide my heart, because once I start to love him, I know I'll never stop. He could charm the stars, hypnotize the moon.

I mean, everything is stressing me out. I picked up a knife earlier and without realizing it, I cut. I was doing so well, it had been six or seven months. But everything pushed me over the edge. In no way am I happy that I cut. It wasn't deep or anything, but still, I felt so ashamed after that. Even more so because Stevens and I had discussed it on Monday. God, I feel so ashamed. Why did I have to? I didn't even realize it.

I am so numb now, and I can't stop my mind from racing. I am going to try and get some sleep, although I don't really see that happening because I have to wake up every few hours because I have to check on the kittens and one in particular.

Well, everyone.. I hope you have been better than me, in fact, I know you have been.

~MUAH~ -=HUGGLES=- AND MUCH LOVE!!!
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