Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Confusion never fades nor goes away
Everything is going to hell...
Is is to much to ask to just be loved for who I am... is it to much to ask for someone I can love without any reservations. For one to never hurt me, past, present or future? Is it to much to ask for simple jestures that show me they love me. Someone who isn't jealouse... someone who I don't have to question.

THE ONLY GUY I’LL SETTLE FOR
A nice guy.
A tall, handsome, gorgeous guy.
Not only in his outward appearance, but in his heart.
A guy who will not only like the way I look,
but respect the morals I have.
A guy who will not have sex high on his list of
expectations.
Or who wont have sex on his list period.
A guy who will listen to me for hours.
And trust what he knows is right.
Always and
Forever.
A guy who will sit under the stars.
And try to count the stars as I fall asleep on his chest.
A guy who will run his fingers through my hair.
And tells me I am beautiful
because of what he see’s in my heart.
A guy who walks me to my door every night
and kisses me gently goodnight.
A guy who will walk under a starry night sky
And never question what time it is.
A guy who understands his place in my world.
A guy who I can trust with my heart.
And know he wont break it.
A guy I can cry to
laugh with,
sing to,
And sit in silence with.
A guy who can hold me in his arms.
And be the first and last to ever make me feel safe.
A guy who says he loves me
and means it.
Who I will never have to question.
A guy who never hurts me,
never lies,
never cheats
I guy I never have to forgive for his mistakes.
Because he doesn’t make any.
A guy who NEVER breaks my heart.
Never needs to experience someone else
and is never selfish.
A guy who can appreciate what he’s got.
A guy who loves his mom
and Loves his family.
And doesn’t mind spending time with them.
A man of God
a guy full of wisdom and grace.
A who knows where he came from,
and where he’s going.
A guy who understands that there is no such thing as a happy ending.
Because with the love I want,
There is no end.


I say all this, but is it really out there... I don't know. Some people come close, but not at all come close.

EMPTY
Mouth open in a silent snarl
Vicious fury failing to be heard
A quiet scream not really escaping
lips that will not speak again

(I am here, can’t you see me?
Don’t you feel the shadow you
pass by...
walk over...
reject...
run through by paying no heed?)

Is love an abstract thought?
It’s present absence overwhelming
An empty fucking void where my heart should be
A viscous solitude to drown out my words

(Why won’t you stay?
Can’t you talk to me a while,
watch me...
touch me...
reject...
kill me with words instead of silence?)

I’ll take your hatred any day
in stead of your indifference
At least the wounds, the hurts, are real
and the scars a lasting remembrance

I mean, I have all these guy conflicts that aren't really all that big and should be fixed easily, but for some reason they can't be. There is the brian thing, he said by friday if we aren'together, if I don't make it official, then we will be friends and go our seperate ways. I want to do that, but then again I don't. I cannot stand seeing him with other people, I couldn't stand it when he was with sammi. But then if we stay friends, I will still feel that I can't date... I would hate to see him with anyone else, do anything with anyone else, or not be with them and do something. Even if we stay friends there is the chance for something in the future, but I will still feel like if I try and get with someone, or even go on a date with someone, I will still feel like I am betraying him somehow. Although he said I could get with someone else while he was with sammi and whatnot, I still feel that I am betraying him. He doesn't feel that way seeing as how he went always back to sammi. He loves her, but I can love other guys, and he doesn't get that. I love him, I can't figure all this out by Friday. Only two or three boyfriends, I know there are more out there... if they would only like me too.

And that isn't the only thing I am battling... and I can't put the on here, nor tell anyone, because I would br hurting me or someone else. I just don't get it.

Then there is the whole HOT COP thing... who I haven't heard from since he read my myotaku. And how I can't get him out of my head. No matter what I do. I see him in my mind, I hear him, why... I know I can't have him, my mind tells me this. My heart loves him, it tells me that.

falling
drifting
floating
away

shadows
climbing
crawling
away

so close
so near
so far
away

touching
feeling
pushing
away

losing
sinking
drowning
gone
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