Sunday, August 21, 2005

   BULL SHIT CONTINUES
Alright, you are all warned that this is isn't a happy post and is basically a huge rant...

Alright all of you... answer me this, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I not good enough for anyone or anything anymore... was I ever?

Lets start off with this:

I am not good enough for any one of my friends and to prove that I have these points:

Sondra: I am not good enough to go and live with her although she had asked me to. She wanted me to help her with Mckinsie Ann (her new baby that is due in fifteen days). But no, in about a month they will be moving so I can't go and live with them when she is born and after they move, move my shit in too.

Chrissy: We had something planed (going to The Grizzly Rose) but she said that she had to go to this church function because these three people called her and told her that she has to give them a ride. She said that she wasn't going to tell them no because that would be rude... but my thinking on that is... that her and I had this planed and she just ditches it because some people volenteered her for something else. So what? She can't be rude to them... but I am not good enough to not be rude to? Well apparently her mom said that she can't take the car because they had no gas. But still, she said that she doesn't have money and she wont let me pay for her anymore because I payed for a piece of cheesecake and she hasn't paid me back. Which I think is bull shit right there. I mean, yes I paid for the cheese cake and all, but still, she wont go to The Rose just because of this. This even isn't the first time she has bailed on me either. And this is the last time we can do anything before school starts for her. School starts on Tuesday, and once it does she is getting a job... she said that wouldn't matter because she wont be working on weekends because they aren't open. But she doesn't see that I am going to be working at the Denver Zoo on the weekends and either Texas Road House or RAAP during the week. So I wont be able to see or spend any time with Chrissy like ever again. EVER AGAIN... which means that our friendship will deteriorate and crumble. It isn't like we really have any contact now-a-days. I mean a phone call here or there, and she isn't on-line so we can't talk, and we RARLY ever see each other.

Brian: He has treated me like worthless shit in the past... juggling me with Sammi (who is a backstaber anyway). And all the lies and him fucking Hannah and Marissa. Even though we weren't together, we talked about it and all this other shit. I guess I am not good enough to even be treated decent by a guy either.

Bry: Well, he hasn't known me long enough to treat me like worthless trailer trash, and he is real sweet on top of that.

Korin: She hasn't really treated me badly either.

And then there are more, but hey, this is a long enough post as is already, I don't need to make a God damn book as big as this world.

Although, knowing my luck it is only time before EVERYONE BETRAYS ME ONCE AGAIN... AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

The only guy who has treated my like GOLD compaired to all this was RAY and he didn't even treat me all that well... but all the cheating aside, he would make up for everything, and I wont hid it, I miss him terribly, but I can't change the present or the future... him and I have nothing right now, and will never again.. and I would go into a rant about his girlfriend who is a serious dumb shit... but I wont go into that now.

I mean seriously people... why am I such a bad person that everyone has to walk over all the time? COME ON... I try and make them stop, but no, everytime I do that, I am the one in the wrong... I am the one being the bad guy, and they are all innocent and cant take any fuckin resposibility or they guilt me into fogeting it.

Why the hell do I care.. about anything or anyone, or about myself for that matter. No one else can care enough to stop treating me like nothing, or caring, so why should I? I mean, why take my pills to help me with an ulcer... so what if it makes me better, I am going to die eventually one day or another.

Fuck this bull-shit.. I can't take any of it... NONE... I really can't...

And all of you who say that I am strong and all this bull shit, you don't know anything at all, let alone me. If you think I am strong, you are highly mistaken.
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