Friday, August 26, 2005

   THINKING WITH MY HEART AGAIN...


Dear Brian -

Maybe you will read this, maybe you won't and I will never know if you actually do or not. I am young, yes, but I have experienced the joy and pains of love. When you said those three little words, I Love You, I wasn't ready to hear them. Honestly, I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know if I could say them back. You promised me countless times you wouldn't hurt me, but I think that was to much of a promise to keep, because you kept doing it over and over. I had been hurt so many times, I believed all love could do was hurt. I didn't have a single belief in love at all. When you proposed to me I had to walk away to save myself from walking into more than I could handle. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to say yes, I have always wanted to say yes. But then when I did, you went back to all your other girls out there in Kansas, Sammi, Marissa, and Trish. I just can't see how if you wanted it so badly you could have hurt me to that extreme. Why?

People either move me inside, deep into my soul, or they don't. I wrote you because you did. You touched me and made me feel safe when I knew you were risky. You kissed me and made me feel loved when you didn't really even know me. You smiled and made my heart smile when I tried to keep it tucked away. When you said goodbye before moving to Kansas, I hardly had any words to say. I didn't know what to say because I new that we would fall apart, no matter how hard we tried. You and I both need the pysical attraction... but in differant ways. I need the reassurance that someone really is there for me, you need the sex and kisses. You didn't and don't have the energy or interest to fight for me anymore and I don't blame you. Fighting for me and keeping me takes strength. More than most are willing to give, only because I don't give into everything, like sex or drugs, like all the other girls out there will. I want you to know I will never blame you for being who you are. You are truly one of the closest friends in my life - even when you closed off to me. I have seen so much light and potential in you that I was drawn to hold you.

I am counting down the days until I am able to really talk to you again (or so you said)... September 23. I should also be counting down how long it had been since you left, but it hurts too bad to go back in time, yet I always travel back. I travel back to when you actually loved me and didn't just say it, but actually ment it as well. Back to when you actually wanted me to be yours. Back to when we weren't seperated by other people, time, distance, or our own selfish inhibitions. I do not have any regrets in my heart, but my mind will not let me forget how I wished I never met you because of all the hurtn you put me through, but if I had not met you, I would have never known how to love so freely. I am loving out of hurt, pain, and strife. I am forgiving out of my sadness yet not quite forgetting, but all in due time I will become a new person.

As we continue to lead our seperate lives, (I.e. you go your way, I'll go mine, moving on, ect), I cannot help but wonder, do you think of me, as I constantly think of you? Does your heart fill with sadness as mine does when your name is mentioned? Do you ever look at my picture like I do yours multiple times a day? Your smile brings tears of joy to my heart and I have to remember to control myself. I must remember that you are not mine, and you have made it very clear to me that you will never be mine again. I must remember.

Remember those long nights on the phone? I do. And I will never forget how wonderful they all were. And now that we have been getting back to the "old times" I can't help but laugh/cry at all of those times when you would play your guitar over the phone and sing to me.

You know that I have a very hard time expressing the way I feel... I always have had a hard time, and it has gotten harder since the rape. I do love you very much, as much as you seem not to believe it. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship, or lack of at this point. I love you so much, but I need you to give me a break sometimes, and by break, I don't mean a break up. I have a hard enough time with relationships as it is. I need for you to completely understand who I am and what I can give. It may not compare to other girls or past/present relationships but that doesn't matter. You were not like other guys either but yet in another way you were just like the rest.... you made vows, you made a lot of promises, and just like all the others, you broke them, threw them out the window without holding on single bit, not trying with all you had. Yes, I will give you some credit and you did try, but you didn't try as hard as you were cabible of. All that matters is that you chose me for a reason and now you realize that I may have not been as perfect as you thought.

I've been wondering why ... and until now, I just couldn't find the answer to my questions, all my questions. All these years I had been hiding my feelings for you, and after all these years and I haven't really told anyone, but a select few. It's hard for me to hide it but I must! But now that I know that you love someone else and you can't love me - for I am now just your friend (if even that) and it will always be just that, I came to the decision that I must forget you for as long as I could and forever be your friend. I know it's hard, I must. I know for a solid fact that I will never truly forget you, nor will I ever consider you 'just a friend'. I will always consider you way more, and whether you decide to never speak to me again or not, I will always think of you as the one that got away. You will always be my love and will always be in my heart, whether I have a boyfriend, or even get married. You will never be out of my heart, no matter what you pull. And even though I've known that you will never be mine (like you have been trying to tell me for the longest time), I do hope that someday you can still remember me, as a friend and lover who once loved you and respected you. And always remember that I will still be here for you, as your friend and lover. I wish things could be the way they were before our situation happened. I still believe that one day we'll be together again and hopefully we'll be more than friends, and even if I am the only one who thinks that, which I am sure I am, I still mean it.

The day will surely come when the many tears falling as I wrote this will be no more. In the meantime, I never told you enough but I love you and I always will No Matter What.

With LOVE forever and always,
-Elise


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