Tuesday, September 13, 2005

   Why?? JUST WHY?? Realizations suck, definaty when they are bad.
For some strange reason I have wanted to cry all night. I know the some of the reasons why I wish to cry, but none of them seem to be breaking free. The moment I realized (about six forty seven on September first) the one thing that is able to stop me from bawling, the one thing (at that time) that made me want to cry is the one thing that also prevented me from it. I looked at him after a tear or two started rolling down my cheek and the tears stopped flowing. It hurt, but yet, I couldn't cry. Tonight as I sit here wanting to cry... cry over friendships going astray, about lost loves who don't know if a friendship will work, about family, about myself and who I really am...

I remember his face, I remember his smile, I remember and focus on his laugh and how he got me to laugh with the simplest of things, I remember how things used to be right, and may someday become right again. Yet, I can't cry. I know I need to, I know I need to let it all out, I know I need to grieve... but how can I when just the thought of his face and how he wishes to wait brightens my day? This is a guy who is willing to wait for me to turn eighteen, who barely knows me, and yet is willing to take the chance in waiting. Who knows if I am what he is looking for? Who knows if I am what he deserves? He, nor I know what will befall in the future, but I hope that before anything happens between us, we can be and stay the best of friends. I think what drew me to him was his ability to make me laugh.... even when I have no reason in the world to be happy. He helps me find out who I really am. And the funny thing is... he doesn't even know it. The only time we get to hang out, isn't really hanging out at all. I am not all that much around him, nor do we hang out after everyone is done playing. We did once, and I cherrish that, but still.

He makes me see who I am, Who I want to be without knowing it. Without trying. Even while he pushes me away I still figure yet another thing about myself.

Even if he was to read this... He would probably think I am a total freak, but you know what?? I don't care at this point.

He knows I like him, he knows I care, he knows I am willing to wait nine more months. Whether he is.. or changes his mind, I don't know. I wish that I could make everything right for everyone and let everyone be happy... But none of that is in my power and the things that are... are better left unsaid. If he find who he is looking for, I will be happy for him. Yes, a little dissappointed, but still, happy. So no longer do I wish to cry. I still feel pain, sorrow, and strife with what else is going on, but I am tired of crying all the time. I am ready to live my life, no matter what has gone wrong, no matter what IS going wrong, and just brush it all off and take it in small quantities... not all at once. I am ready to have fun... to live... to be myself. How I will eventually do that? I dont know... but hey.. live life as the day comes to you right??

I do wish to have some people know what I feel... I do wish that I could reitterate what they mean to me... and how it makes me feel when they have to deal with all their shit alone when they know I am right here... but things are better left unsaid. I don't even know why I started posting this in the first place, nor do I know where this was originally going to lead... but well, I know I got off track majorly.

Oh yeah... I remember:

My crappy realization that came to me this weekend!

Well, you all know about Chris... and how it is great that he wants to wait till I am eighteen, all is great right? WRONG! He says that right now he is TO busy with school and work and all that... but then I have all these people tell me that he has all this time for them and all this other stuff. That isn't what I am worried about though. I mean, it sucks and all, but so what, I said I would wait. Anyway, in nine months, I turn eighteen, and I can get with Chris (if he is still interested). Well, him being busy right now... I am going to be SOO busy after I turn eighteen. I am going to be starting collage... and the one I am going to; you can't miss more than two or three days, and if you do, then you are kicked out for two years. And they are extremely fast... so I will be going to class for like four hours every day, along with managing a store... I don't even know if I will be able to go to league. I will also be getting my own place, god only knows where... and I WILL MAKE TIME for him, whether I have it or not... that again is if he is still interested.

I just don't know what to do... or if I should say anything... I think I already messed things up though, because now he acts like I am invisible or whatever... and hey, maybe I am, who knows. I still go to league though, and I will when I can...

Anyway... yeah.... I dont know what else to say... and no one really comments anyway, so why should I really post? I don't know. Maybe I will just wait a while.

PAIN OF THE NIGHT
Watch as this tear falls into empty space
See it fall into life's nameless place
Can you see the sparkle as it catches the light?
That sparkle once was happiness that is no longer in sight
As it falls, watch out, it's color has changed
From blue to bright red, it has a wide range.
There it goes all alone, it continues to fall
With it, it takes the emotion, the emotion of all.
Wait, can you hear it? A sob has broken free.
Has shook the lungs cold, but yet it continues to be.
Here it comes, a force has been built between the eye.
A wall of shear water, it's now time to cry.
A shudder, A scream, Darkness, envelops your soul.
The darkness of the night has taken it's toll.
© Elise Osburn

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love.

~*~Standing Outside The Fire~*~

PS. You guys should really get a xanga site too.
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