Tuesday, September 13, 2005

   Why?? JUST WHY?? Realizations suck, definaty when they are bad.
For some strange reason I have wanted to cry all night. I know the some of the reasons why I wish to cry, but none of them seem to be breaking free. The moment I realized (about six forty seven on September first) the one thing that is able to stop me from bawling, the one thing (at that time) that made me want to cry is the one thing that also prevented me from it. I looked at him after a tear or two started rolling down my cheek and the tears stopped flowing. It hurt, but yet, I couldn't cry. Tonight as I sit here wanting to cry... cry over friendships going astray, about lost loves who don't know if a friendship will work, about family, about myself and who I really am...

I remember his face, I remember his smile, I remember and focus on his laugh and how he got me to laugh with the simplest of things, I remember how things used to be right, and may someday become right again. Yet, I can't cry. I know I need to, I know I need to let it all out, I know I need to grieve... but how can I when just the thought of his face and how he wishes to wait brightens my day? This is a guy who is willing to wait for me to turn eighteen, who barely knows me, and yet is willing to take the chance in waiting. Who knows if I am what he is looking for? Who knows if I am what he deserves? He, nor I know what will befall in the future, but I hope that before anything happens between us, we can be and stay the best of friends. I think what drew me to him was his ability to make me laugh.... even when I have no reason in the world to be happy. He helps me find out who I really am. And the funny thing is... he doesn't even know it. The only time we get to hang out, isn't really hanging out at all. I am not all that much around him, nor do we hang out after everyone is done playing. We did once, and I cherrish that, but still.

He makes me see who I am, Who I want to be without knowing it. Without trying. Even while he pushes me away I still figure yet another thing about myself.

Even if he was to read this... He would probably think I am a total freak, but you know what?? I don't care at this point.

He knows I like him, he knows I care, he knows I am willing to wait nine more months. Whether he is.. or changes his mind, I don't know. I wish that I could make everything right for everyone and let everyone be happy... But none of that is in my power and the things that are... are better left unsaid. If he find who he is looking for, I will be happy for him. Yes, a little dissappointed, but still, happy. So no longer do I wish to cry. I still feel pain, sorrow, and strife with what else is going on, but I am tired of crying all the time. I am ready to live my life, no matter what has gone wrong, no matter what IS going wrong, and just brush it all off and take it in small quantities... not all at once. I am ready to have fun... to live... to be myself. How I will eventually do that? I dont know... but hey.. live life as the day comes to you right??

I do wish to have some people know what I feel... I do wish that I could reitterate what they mean to me... and how it makes me feel when they have to deal with all their shit alone when they know I am right here... but things are better left unsaid. I don't even know why I started posting this in the first place, nor do I know where this was originally going to lead... but well, I know I got off track majorly.

Oh yeah... I remember:

My crappy realization that came to me this weekend!

Well, you all know about Chris... and how it is great that he wants to wait till I am eighteen, all is great right? WRONG! He says that right now he is TO busy with school and work and all that... but then I have all these people tell me that he has all this time for them and all this other stuff. That isn't what I am worried about though. I mean, it sucks and all, but so what, I said I would wait. Anyway, in nine months, I turn eighteen, and I can get with Chris (if he is still interested). Well, him being busy right now... I am going to be SOO busy after I turn eighteen. I am going to be starting collage... and the one I am going to; you can't miss more than two or three days, and if you do, then you are kicked out for two years. And they are extremely fast... so I will be going to class for like four hours every day, along with managing a store... I don't even know if I will be able to go to league. I will also be getting my own place, god only knows where... and I WILL MAKE TIME for him, whether I have it or not... that again is if he is still interested.

I just don't know what to do... or if I should say anything... I think I already messed things up though, because now he acts like I am invisible or whatever... and hey, maybe I am, who knows. I still go to league though, and I will when I can...

Anyway... yeah.... I dont know what else to say... and no one really comments anyway, so why should I really post? I don't know. Maybe I will just wait a while.

PAIN OF THE NIGHT
Watch as this tear falls into empty space
See it fall into life's nameless place
Can you see the sparkle as it catches the light?
That sparkle once was happiness that is no longer in sight
As it falls, watch out, it's color has changed
From blue to bright red, it has a wide range.
There it goes all alone, it continues to fall
With it, it takes the emotion, the emotion of all.
Wait, can you hear it? A sob has broken free.
Has shook the lungs cold, but yet it continues to be.
Here it comes, a force has been built between the eye.
A wall of shear water, it's now time to cry.
A shudder, A scream, Darkness, envelops your soul.
The darkness of the night has taken it's toll.
© Elise Osburn

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love.

~*~Standing Outside The Fire~*~

PS. You guys should really get a xanga site too.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

   My life is FINALLY starting to slowly turn around... still with some confusion, but none-the-less, turning around it turning around! Turning around however in someways that might be making other things harder... but I will deal with everything when the ti


Where Do I Begin?? How about at the VERY very beginning! Yes, lets! Sounds good to me!

(I am such a dork!)

Anyway, I went to league with Tammy (Oh I almost forgot, Jeff went to, grr) on *checks calender* August sixteenth. Well while we were there, Tammy was hanging all over this guy named Nick who at the time she really liked... well I say it that way, because they are now together. Anyway... the real good stuff!!

I met this guy Chris, who was real great and quite funny! Anyway, I poked him to see if he was ticklish, and let me tell you, HE REALLY WAS. It was soo funny, so I kept poking him. It was so great!

Well, then Jeff gave me a ride home and well... I am not going there.

Anyway, Then on August twenty third Brian (who I was with and now is MY EX!) broke up with me... yet again when I needed him most. But in reality, I think it was for the better, because now I can actually be with a guy who I will have a chance to see, and I know wont hurt me like he did. Who wont juggle me between another girl, nor sleep with someone behind my back. Anyway, he said that I can't talk to him for a month, which is dumb, but all is good! Like I said... My life is slowly turning around.



Then on Friday (August twenty sixth) I was at dinner with my dad and step-mom. Well, it was a pretty nice resterant, Well, my favorite one actually!! The Imperial right off Broadway! Anyway, our waiter was a babe and well, it was real real funny because when he came over to the table to ask if there was anything he could get us and naming off the desserts and all, my mind was repeating it, and yet wandering at the same time. (thinking) "anything I can get you? Dessert? Ice cream, ...... a date?!?!?!" He really didn't say that... I just thought it, and it was actually pretty funny! When he got to cheesecake, I came back to reality! Good 'ol cheesecake! Anyway after we left, my step-mom (Carolyn) had to call her dad, and I asked my dad if I could go get our waiters number. Not only did he say I could, he encouraged me too. My Dad!! Encouraging me to get this guys number, when he knew he was at least twenty one or older!!! MY DAD!!! Anyway, so I get half way there and get all shy, and turn back. I thought of an idea and got my keys out of my purse and walked back in to where we were sitting. I pretended to pick up my keys and then I waited for him to pass me. Sure enough he did and then I asked him for his number! HE GAVE IT TO ME!!!! YAY! Anyway, it was so great!

I wanted to call him Saturday and Sunday, but I didn't. Everyone told me not to because I would sound desperate... but hey, truth hurts right?!? Anyway Saturday I had to help my step-mom, and everyone help move things from her shop to our house, because she is closing the shop. And so we were all tired. Then Sunday was sort of a re-coop day, and I went and hung out with my dad and step-mom for the hell of it. We went and played mini golf (which I hadn't done in a while) and we played thirty six holes. I got a tiny bit sunbured too, oh well, it doesn't hurt!

Then on Monday, I called him... him being Richard, our waiter from friday! Well I called him and got to talk to him for a short while, because he works three jobs, seven days a week. I really hope that I can chill with him this weekend, I really do!!

(I need a beer, or wine cooler, or margarita, or something!!)

Sometime between Sunday night and Monday, I talked on-line to Suzi and Tammy. Come to find out that Chris (the guy from league) liked me. I really didn't believe them though, although they both kept insisting.

So yesterday, Tuesday, I met up with Suzi and Tammy around three and then Nick came and picked us up and took us to league. We got there around four, Well, yeah, I started playing with Chris's hair, because he said no one could unless they had a death wish. So I thought I would test that! He said when league was over I would be running for my life... But it never happened! Actually I didn't have to ever run a all! ;) All that was running was my nails over his stomache and sides1!! *evil grin* Anyway, Tammy was making up these stories about all of us, that was real odd, but all was funny and well. The whole time I was basically cuddling with Chris, and it was so great... The last time I said I felt safe with someone was really a lie because of what happened, but I really honestly felt safe with Chris; so safe in fact that I almost fell asleep on his chest! I spent NINE hours with him (I did the math) and yet, it still didn't feel like enough time, You know? He doesn't want to "get anything started" because of the age thing (which damnit, it IS legal)... I understand where he is coming from, and I don't really know what I want right now. He asked me what I saw in me, as well has every guy I known asked me that, and like always, I can never figure it out. But I did feel safe with him, and I just can't explain it. He is sort of crazy, yet can be serious too, which is always good. And he is one of the few guys that can actually make me laugh. I can't say that I trust him, but that is only because of what I have been through... it takes time to gain my trust, and if you break it, it is ALMOST impossible to gain back.

Anyway, but all was great... nine hours! I don't think I have spent that much time with anyone 'cept my ex (Ray, my first boyfriend, who I was with for six and a half years).... Damn!! Usually I get bored with people... like I can't spend all that much time with them, but he was diferant, I was able to... I just don't know. I might be going to league again on Thursday, wait, ha, that is tomorrow! Cool! I hope that we can all hang out again!! I really do. That would be sweet!

I still really want to hang out with Richard though this weekend, I hope I can... I really hope! That would be great!

I AM LISTENING TO DEF LEOPARD, POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!! YAY! *Jumps on coffee table and starts dancing around* This is such a great song to dance on a bar to, but I don't have a bar *pouts* OH WELL, next best thing!! *starts singing*

Step inside, walk this way
You and me babe, Hey, hey!

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah

Hey!
C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
C'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet yeah

Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come a knockin' on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
C'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough I'm hot, sticky sweet,
From my head to my feet yeah

(guitar solo)

You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my feet

Do you take sugar? one lump or two?

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me
Ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
C'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough
Pour some sugar on me
Oh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me
Get it, come get it
Pour your sugar on me
Ooh
Pour some sugar on me
Yeah! Sugar me!


Anyway, yeah, so like I said... my life if turning around slowly. Meeting new people, who are interested in me. The only thing though, is if I dated either of them, one of my friends (Korin) would be mad, or disappointed, or angry...well I don't know what she would be, but she would be something bad I know! Because they both are twenty two. And yet, now I am (maybe, who knows) going to be doing what I hated my other friend (chrissy) doing. Dating someone so much older, even though by law it is legal. But I also think I had a bad vibe about the guy she was going out with, and well, what he had on his record. Sorry for caring about my friends, but I do! I don't want to hurt anyone, but yet, if I don't get with someone who is genuinnly interested in me, I will just be hurting myself. I really just don't know what to do, but maybe I should just stop caring what others think, and go where my heart takes me... all I have been doing all my seventeen years is doing things not to hurt others whether it makes me happy or sad. Anyway... I lost my train of thought!!

Have a good day everyone!! I will update you more when I can!

~muah~ -=huggles=- and much love!!

~*~NORMAL CHAOS~*~
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Friday, August 26, 2005

   THINKING WITH MY HEART AGAIN...


Dear Brian -

Maybe you will read this, maybe you won't and I will never know if you actually do or not. I am young, yes, but I have experienced the joy and pains of love. When you said those three little words, I Love You, I wasn't ready to hear them. Honestly, I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know if I could say them back. You promised me countless times you wouldn't hurt me, but I think that was to much of a promise to keep, because you kept doing it over and over. I had been hurt so many times, I believed all love could do was hurt. I didn't have a single belief in love at all. When you proposed to me I had to walk away to save myself from walking into more than I could handle. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to say yes, I have always wanted to say yes. But then when I did, you went back to all your other girls out there in Kansas, Sammi, Marissa, and Trish. I just can't see how if you wanted it so badly you could have hurt me to that extreme. Why?

People either move me inside, deep into my soul, or they don't. I wrote you because you did. You touched me and made me feel safe when I knew you were risky. You kissed me and made me feel loved when you didn't really even know me. You smiled and made my heart smile when I tried to keep it tucked away. When you said goodbye before moving to Kansas, I hardly had any words to say. I didn't know what to say because I new that we would fall apart, no matter how hard we tried. You and I both need the pysical attraction... but in differant ways. I need the reassurance that someone really is there for me, you need the sex and kisses. You didn't and don't have the energy or interest to fight for me anymore and I don't blame you. Fighting for me and keeping me takes strength. More than most are willing to give, only because I don't give into everything, like sex or drugs, like all the other girls out there will. I want you to know I will never blame you for being who you are. You are truly one of the closest friends in my life - even when you closed off to me. I have seen so much light and potential in you that I was drawn to hold you.

I am counting down the days until I am able to really talk to you again (or so you said)... September 23. I should also be counting down how long it had been since you left, but it hurts too bad to go back in time, yet I always travel back. I travel back to when you actually loved me and didn't just say it, but actually ment it as well. Back to when you actually wanted me to be yours. Back to when we weren't seperated by other people, time, distance, or our own selfish inhibitions. I do not have any regrets in my heart, but my mind will not let me forget how I wished I never met you because of all the hurtn you put me through, but if I had not met you, I would have never known how to love so freely. I am loving out of hurt, pain, and strife. I am forgiving out of my sadness yet not quite forgetting, but all in due time I will become a new person.

As we continue to lead our seperate lives, (I.e. you go your way, I'll go mine, moving on, ect), I cannot help but wonder, do you think of me, as I constantly think of you? Does your heart fill with sadness as mine does when your name is mentioned? Do you ever look at my picture like I do yours multiple times a day? Your smile brings tears of joy to my heart and I have to remember to control myself. I must remember that you are not mine, and you have made it very clear to me that you will never be mine again. I must remember.

Remember those long nights on the phone? I do. And I will never forget how wonderful they all were. And now that we have been getting back to the "old times" I can't help but laugh/cry at all of those times when you would play your guitar over the phone and sing to me.

You know that I have a very hard time expressing the way I feel... I always have had a hard time, and it has gotten harder since the rape. I do love you very much, as much as you seem not to believe it. I know that lately we have had a lot of external distractions and that those have placed a lot of strain on our relationship, or lack of at this point. I love you so much, but I need you to give me a break sometimes, and by break, I don't mean a break up. I have a hard enough time with relationships as it is. I need for you to completely understand who I am and what I can give. It may not compare to other girls or past/present relationships but that doesn't matter. You were not like other guys either but yet in another way you were just like the rest.... you made vows, you made a lot of promises, and just like all the others, you broke them, threw them out the window without holding on single bit, not trying with all you had. Yes, I will give you some credit and you did try, but you didn't try as hard as you were cabible of. All that matters is that you chose me for a reason and now you realize that I may have not been as perfect as you thought.

I've been wondering why ... and until now, I just couldn't find the answer to my questions, all my questions. All these years I had been hiding my feelings for you, and after all these years and I haven't really told anyone, but a select few. It's hard for me to hide it but I must! But now that I know that you love someone else and you can't love me - for I am now just your friend (if even that) and it will always be just that, I came to the decision that I must forget you for as long as I could and forever be your friend. I know it's hard, I must. I know for a solid fact that I will never truly forget you, nor will I ever consider you 'just a friend'. I will always consider you way more, and whether you decide to never speak to me again or not, I will always think of you as the one that got away. You will always be my love and will always be in my heart, whether I have a boyfriend, or even get married. You will never be out of my heart, no matter what you pull. And even though I've known that you will never be mine (like you have been trying to tell me for the longest time), I do hope that someday you can still remember me, as a friend and lover who once loved you and respected you. And always remember that I will still be here for you, as your friend and lover. I wish things could be the way they were before our situation happened. I still believe that one day we'll be together again and hopefully we'll be more than friends, and even if I am the only one who thinks that, which I am sure I am, I still mean it.

The day will surely come when the many tears falling as I wrote this will be no more. In the meantime, I never told you enough but I love you and I always will No Matter What.

With LOVE forever and always,
-Elise


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You are a very deep sleeper. You take sleeping as seriously as you take living. To you, sleep is not just something thats just necessary, its something that is an actual part of life and should be appreciated and enjoyed just as much as being awake. You are very deep and philosophical at times, and always willing to listen to someone elses point of view. After all, how can there be progress without change, and how can there be change without acceptance? How do you Sleep? (Anime Pics) brought to you by Quizilla