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myOtaku.com: Omega Zero


Saturday, February 25, 2006


I...
NOTE:IF YOU BEGIN TO READ,DO IT T'ILL THE END

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,YOU HAVE NO RIGHT OF PUTTING ANY COMMENTS





I...am...right now.....and since over half a year....living the hardest test of my life....

and yet....I seem to be the only one to bear the hardest one

can't you only imagine to be with the only person in this world that you love......but that you can't hug her...kiss her.....being with her....not even being able to talk to her in person

what make it harder....is the fact that this person you love have a mother...who really loves her...she loves her so much that she try to protect her from everything...even from the one she love...which is me

all of that because our relationship is hapenning on the Net...and that, trust is thin in those kind of adventures....

plus....you suffer....suffer from an unbearable pain....a sufferance that hurt directly to your heart....the greatest pain of all...even the pain of a sword in my guts would be less painfull...because this is a psychologic pain...a pain that nothing can heal.....that kind of pain drive me insane...like someone who would possess an item from hell

I am slowly losing my mind.....I have suddent change of moods...I become easily angry for nothing...I am Sad one day...the other day I am indifferent..the other unsure...the other doubtfull....the other happy...and no it isn't related to that mental disease that I forgot te name......because it is since I met Sarah that I am like that

I even hear voices...I am driving crazy...but I still hold on...because I know that if I win over it, the pain will stop...and I know that if I give up, the pain will be much bigger...so I keep going froward...because until now, I had someone who was feeling the same...and could understand me

but until now...my sanity was going okay....but

since I learned that this friend...who have the same kind of relationship, had some of the weight removed, I feel something that I almost never felt...envy

that only person who could understand me....is now seeing his relationship being easy-ed....because his Gf could tell to her parents....and they were okay with it...everything's fine for them...it makes me happy...though....

I am now alone to bear that pain

alone tobear the rest of the weight..

while my friend can say: "I love you"..as much as he want

me...I must always be sure that it is safe...because the terrible mother of my Gf is watching over us....I can't say anything by fear of being cut off from her

while my friend is happy...while they are happy togheter

I suffer....I SUFFER....why is it that life is so hard on me

since I am little......life always been hard on me

and for those who tend to say " then work to become a better person"...or..."you should have been better from the start"

don't you think I tried to make friend...nobody wanted to be my friend...everyone was teasing me..beating me.....and when I was young...I was rich...I had many toys...and the "friends" I had were only here to steal them...make use of them...
also...I never was very good at school...everyone saw me as a dork....school never fitted me....and I was misjudged for that

then....my parents divorced...another hard time of my life.....my father got away for 5 YEARS...I HAVEN'T SAW A TRACE OF HIM FOR 5 YEARS...plus...in the divorce, my parents lost everything....so we passed from...the good life...to the life of apartment....I was too young to understand it...but I saw the difference...the brand new toy, I couldn't have it anymore...then my mother met a cracker...for 5 years(the time before I was able totrack my father) that guy used my mother...when I wasn't listening to him, he was hitting me...he beated me...he almost killed me once....he almost killed my mother...he had two sons...with which I could at least hang on...so that it would be easier....and I finally got to my father when he returned....okay....it was better than that cracker....but....since I am no good at school, he was making me do intense studies....I could never leave the house by the week....the stress of school fastly took me......and finally, things became good....I became better at school, my mother dumped that crazy ass....and she got a new house of her own...my stepmother had her children....which is now my 5 years old sister...I had my own room in both of the sides


everythings work fine here........but in highschool, I had quite the hard time...unable of finding my true self, I've been many things...I betrayed many...I didn't knew who were my true friend...

anyway...skip to last year...last year was terrible..the worst year of school and life ever...I had a huge argue with my stepmother. and all...school was harder....I didn't find true love...and this..until summer...summer....worked all the summer...my free time....on the comp..haging and doing nothing...and I met her....she made me happy....but ooohhhhhh fate has made that once I meet her, everyone try to "wake me up" that she don't really love me and all

you know what...I should have shut my fucking mouth...so if no one knew, it would have been easier

but what is making it harder today...is to see my best friend of all...my true partner...my teammate in life.....my "brother" of life, which wasn't really well with him before, see his life getting better and better...he almost finish highschool...he already know where he go...which job he do..his gf can now be free and all...he seem to really be happy...and all of that...all of that seem to make him slowly go away from me...I feel more and more alone with my Gf...which feel the same way I do..and more and more...I doubt...this is so hard to have this realtion....we are spyed every second...we cannot say anything...we must even speak in codes sometime......I can't see her....I can't do anything....I want to buy a crap load of thing...but I put all my money aside for that travel......and I am not even sure if we will tough forever......with the way we have our relationship, everything seems to say that it is a matter of time before it falls apart

Even though I don't want to accept it....even though I want to keep saying that I'll be with Sarah forever..that I trully love her, when you have Life itself against you, what do you think I should do...fight?....what do you think I am doing now....I fight the life....I give it my all....to PROVE that I can prove to EVERYONE who said bad things about Sarah and me that they are all WRONG....but life is slowly winning over me...what should I do once it win....if I lose Sarah, never again shall I be able to love.....because I'll regret not being able to have lived with Sarah...and I need love in my life...if I cannot love anymore...I cannot be happy anymore

nobody helps me...even with some pieces of advice, it make me go a little bit to the surface...to catch some breath...and then I sink again...

what I am waiting for a moment were something will help me to go out of that pool once and for all!!!!!

what should I do...trust....how can I trust when I can't see?

love....how can I love when I have so much pressure


WHAT SHOULD I DO...I can't see the answer..and non one can tell me....confusion drive me crazy...

listen...I perfectly understand that life Is a challenge, but why does it seem harder on me....no need to say that there is many more people who suffer more than me...well....even though an african cannot live with a lot of food, he suffer from that....he is not happy...the same for me...even if the situations are not the same, we feel the same thing...sadness...no matter if I life okay and one live outside, we are both sad, and sadness is a feeling that is painfull no matter how intense it is

so don't think I think of myslef as the only one to have problem...but since it's my site...it is of my probs that we talk about please...

well....that's it...for those who have skipped ......go hang yourself...because I dare you to comment if you don't even know how I feel

I am at the edge of a nervous break.....if someone can help me...DO IT FAST!!!!!!!

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