Friday, June 15, 2007

Close To The Edge

Chapter 3: Long Talks

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Teachers have no mercy even when you’ve been in the hospital for a while and need some rest.

While I was struggling with my literature assignment (A love poem. What the hell is going through our teacher’s head, pigeons?) Jadie was drawing something on her paper. I got enough frustrated with my homework and decided to have a better look at Jadie’s drawing.

“What are you drawing?” Her drawing looked odd: it was completely black, except for a small corner that was still white. Jadie was drawing something in it with a red pencil.

“That’s me” she pointed at a figure with a triangle-shaped body and round head “and that’s mommy.” She pointed at a figure with a stick-shaped body with a round head. It looked like it was lying on the ground. I pointed at another figure. It was bigger than Jadie’s figure but smaller than her mom’s.

“Who’s that?” She looked at me like it should’ve been obvious.

“Jane.” Then something dawned to me.

“Oh. Where’s Hope? And your dad?” Jadie stared at the picture for a moment.

“They’re not there.”

“But why’s Jane? Didn’t she-”

“-go to the moon? Yes, but she comes to visit me every night.”

“Jadie, if she’s dead she can’t visit you.” That got her going.

“She’s not dead! She’s in the moon!”

“Jadie, people can’t go to the moon just like that, Jane’s dead! Deal with it!” I don’t usually yell at kids. But something about Jadie made her an exception to the rule.

“She is! She is!” Then she threw herself on the floor like a little kid with a tantrum. She kept hitting the floor with her fists. “She is! She is! She is!” Then she went limp and started crying.

“Jane, Chris said something mean about you, he said you’re dead, but you’re not…you’ll visit me again, right? You wouldn’t leave me…mommy will be mad if you do…”

“Jadie.”

“…and then will have dinner like we used to, right? When daddy comes home, right? And Hope will be there too, she always is…”

“Jadie.” She stopped all of a sudden.

“I hate you. I’ll kill you.” Then she started screaming and thrashing around. “I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD, I’LL KILL YOU!”

“JADIE!” I had to take a hold of her to keep her from hitting and kicking me.

“I’LL KILL YOU!” She kept doing that for about ten minutes and then she went limp again.

“…sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” She sobbed. “But if you bad-mouth Jane-”

“I didn’t bad-mouth her, okay?”

“…sorry.” We just sat there for a while. Then there was a knock on the door.

“Bro! Your girlfriend’s at the door!”

“I don’t have a-” Then it clicked. “Give me a minute!”

“Who is it?” Jadie was wiping her tears away.

“Anna.”

“That girl who dresses like a slut?”

“Where did you learn to talk like that?”

“Like what?”

“Bastard and slut aren’t words that kids your age should use.”

“Hope used them all the time. She knew a lot of words like that.”

“Well do you have to use them?” She shrugged.

“But you said you don’t have a girlfriend, why did she say she is?” I scanned the room with my eyes to find my jacket.

“It’s a joke really. She’s been clinging to me ever since we were kids. Everybody knows she has a crush on me and that I don’t feel the same for her. She just won’t believe it.” Ah, there it is.

“So why is she here?”

“Usually she does something like this every time when she’s in trouble and I have to get her out of it.”

“Why you?”

I wonder that too sometimes. “She doesn’t want Jack to know.”

“But-”

“No more questions, please. Don’t break anything while I’m out.”

“I’m coming with you!”

“No you’re not! You stay right here, don’t go anywhere! Understood?” She pouted.

“…yes.”

“Great. Bye!” With that I was out. And yes, it was Anna at the door. At least she was dressed like a normal girl. Skirt that reached her knees and a T-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” She pouted too. Why all the women do that?

“Can’t I see my one true love from time to time?” I closed the door behind me and we started walking.

“That’s the point Anna: I’m not your boyfriend. Try to get it through your head.” She lit up a cigarette.

“Don’t tell Jack, okay?”

“He’s just looking after you.”

“I don’t need to be looked after. He’s just all high’n mighty because he’s going to college.”

“While you can’t even get through high school.”

“At least I don’t cut myself on my past time.”

“Gee, thanks, I thought you loved me.”

“I do.” She took a drag from her cigarette and exhaled. “But I don’t need you both on my tail seven days a week.”

“So what’ve you gotten yourself into this time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Quit the act okay. You only come to our house when you need me to be your knight in shining armor or something.”

“I don’t-”

“Yeah, you do. So spill it.” She took a few more drags to calm herself.

“Fine, it’s about one deal-” I raised my brows.

“Deal?” She sighed.

“Yeah. Drug deal. You want me to announce it to the whole world?”

“As long as it wouldn’t reach Jack you’d be cool with it.”

“Funny love. Very funny.” Another drag and exhale.

“So what about the deal?”

“I own the guy some money and I can’t pay.”

“Figures. So what’s the threat?” She scoffs.

“To be his whore for the rest of my life.”

“Sounds like a nice past time.”

“This ain’t funny! You gotta help me!”

“Why should I? You’re the one who’s in that mess, you should get out of it on your own!”

“Please!”

“Ask Jack, he’s your brother.”

“You know I can’t ask him! He’d kill me!”

“Unless some drug dealer beats him to it. I’m not kidding.”

“Neither am I!”

“So when’s the dead-line?”

“Next week.”

“What the hell did you buy anyway?” She shrugged.

“Some new stuff. The high’s better though.”

“You’ve tried it already? You know that you can never be sure what that shit contains.”

“Oh shut up. You really should loosen up sometimes.” She threw away the cigarette, wrapped her arms around me and nuzzled my back.

“How big money are we talking about?”

“500.” That’s a lot of money when you don’t have a job.

“You want me to pay 500 for shit that’s gonna kill you?!”

“Chill. I’ve got half of it.” Her hold tightened.

“250? I don’t like the sound of this at all.”

“You have money. Can’t you help me this one time?” I laughed at that.

“That’s what you’ve said the past hundred times.”

“This is the last time I’ll ask you. Promise.” I took her arms off me and sighed.

“It damn better be. And don’t come to our house anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t, okay?” She sighed and took out another cigarette.

“Okay. Any idea when you can give me the money?”

“Next week. And I want that money back too.”

“I’ll pay you back, don’t worry.”

“When it’s you, everybody does.” She walked away and I made my way back home. My family was all over me like a pack of hyenas the minute I got through the front door.

“So how was she?”

“What did you do?”

“She was fine, we walked and talked, that’s it. Now leave me alone.” I heard my mom say something about how sweet young love is and then I went to my room.

Jadie was, surprisingly, on the floor in the exact same position where I had left her.

“What did she want?”

“A little help that’s all.” She looked at me with doubt in her eyes.

“Oh really?” She slowly got up from the floor. Seemed like she did everything slowly.

“Really. What’s it to you?”

“I was worried. That you won’t come back. Like Hope and dad.”

“Well I did so no worries.” I headed to my closet. Suddenly Jadie had wrapped her arms around my legs.

“Erm, Jadie, could you let go please?”

“Don’t go.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t leave me. Hope did, dad did, Jane did…and mommy hates me…” I patted her head.

“Well I’m not going anywhere anytime soon so don’t worry.” That seemed to cheer her up. She looked at me with sparkling eyes, something I had never seen her do.

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

“What?! Why?”

“The closet is cold.”

“…fine. But no kicking in the middle of the night. I need sleep.” She nodded happily and let go.

When it was time to go to bed, Jadie wrapped her arms around my midsection before I had a chance to protest. But I didn’t sleep to peacefully that night.

The next morning my mom knocked my door around 10 AM.

“Honey! Wake up we have to get going soon!”

What? It’s a damn Saturday, where did she- shit. Laura. I promptly hid my head under my pillow and intended to fall asleep again, knocking Jadie on the floor in the process.

“Ouch!” She looked around and heard my mom knocking again.

“Your mom’s at the door.” I mumbled my answer against the bed.

“What did you say?” I decided to give up and sit up on my bed.

“I know.” I yawned and rubber my eyes.

“Why is she up this early in the morning?”

“I have a pointless session with Laura. Again.” Then to my shock, mom opened the door.

“Yes, you have a meeting with Laura but it’s not pointless. She’s only trying to help you.”

“Tell me how sitting with her for 45 minutes is going to help me?”

“She’s a nice woman, be polite.” I rolled my eyes.

“As always.” She smiled.

“Great! Now breakfast is ready so get dressed and eat and we’re ready to go!” She closed the door after her.

“Who’s Laura?” I jumped at Jadie’s voice.

“My psychologist.”

“What does she do?”

“She tries to “help” me, meaning that she wants me to talk about stuff I’d rather not talk about.”

“Why you tried to kill yourself?” I winced at the reminder and started digging through my closet for something to wear.

“Yeah. But I’d rather forget about the whole thing.”

“Okay.” I found a black shirt and jeans.

“Does she have crayons?” I pulled my shirt over my head.

“What?”

“Does she have crayons? The woman I went to had those. She told me to draw anything I wanted.”

“Well she doesn’t work with kids. They have some other guy for that.” I pulled my jeans up.

“Oh. Can I come too?”

“If you can get in the car without being noticed.” She beamed.

“Okay!” I went to eat breakfast (I don’t eat much so I just had a slice of toast and ignored my mom’s attempts to get me to eat more) and then we got in the car. Amazingly, Jadie was waiting at the car when we got outside. She sat next to me all the way to downtown and Laura’s office. Mom dropped us off at the front door.

“Okay, I have to go shopping. I’ll pick you up from here, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” That was the arrangement every time. She always went to shopping, library, whatever and picked me up from the front door. None of this was new to me.

Laura was sitting behind her desk when I came through the door with Jadie right behind me.

“Well hello Chris. Had a good morning?”

“Quite. Excluding the early wake up call.” She laughed a little at that and shook her head.

“Sit down please.” I sat down opposite her. Laura was a nice woman with blond curls and a relaxed attitude. She was nice to be around but I still didn’t like it when she tried to probe into my personal things. She set her timer on the desk. Jadie went to the window and stared outside. Maybe she hadn’t been to the 6th floor before.

“So how’s your week been? I heard you went back to school.”

“Merciless teachers, enough homework for a lifetime and too early wake ups. I’m having a blast.” Jadie looked at me from her spot in front of the window.

“Glad to hear that.” Laura looked to the window too. “Is there something out there?” I quickly turned my head away from Jadie.

“Nope.” I decided to change the subject. “Is that an engagement ring?”

“Oh you noticed? Yes me and my boyfriend got engaged two days ago.”

“Congratulations.” I looked at the timer. 40 more minutes…

“I suppose you’re agonizing over the time we have.” I looked at her.

“Do you really understand why you’re here?”

“I tried to kill myself?”

“Yes, but that’s not the only reason.”

“Well then what is? Cause I’d really like to know.” Jadie looked at us again and seemed interested in our conversation.

“You’re depressed-” I roll my eyes. Like that’s a new revelation.

“Surprise, surprise.”

“Let me finish. You’re not only depressed and potentially suicidal but also in a very stressing phase in your life. I’ve discussed about this with your doctor and the school nurse from your school-”

What? What does that have to do with anything? “-and I can see from your face that you don’t know what that has to do with our sessions, but your medical records reveal a lot of stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Let’s see.” She picked up some papers from her desk and started flipping through them. Suddenly I had a really bad feeling…

“Reports of bullying, violence, all sorts of mockery…but they’re all done after someone else told the teachers about them. Why?”

“I was a fucking kid! You really think I could’ve told anyone anything back then?!” Jadie was now intensely staring at us.

“Of course you could’ve.” I had to scoff at that.

“Sure, you probably were one of those popular little princesses that complained about a broken nail-”

“What makes you think I was?”

“Gee, I dunno, maybe because you have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“So you were scared that it would just get worse?”

“The fuck?!” Jadie had started walking towards us.

“It’s normal to think like that at that age-”

“Hey, it didn’t do shit when that stuff was reported! Yeah, those fuckers got detention and a small talk about not bullying anymore, but do you honestly think that a few words and sitting changes anything?!”

“Sit down please.” What? I hadn’t noticed during my outburst that I had stood up from my chair. I sat down and stared at the floor very Jadie-likely.

“Feeling better now?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you feel better after you yelled at me?”

“…”

“Fine, you can be quiet for the last…20 minutes. But I’d like to talk about something else too.”

“What?” Jadie had sat down on the floor next to me.

“You should work on those issues of yours.”

“What issues?!”

“Still on the first stage?”

What is she talking about?

“You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief?”

“…in psychology class yeah. But not much, the teacher just mentioned it.”

“Well you’re still on the first stage: denial. After you get past that, there will be anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.” She looked at me. “Is any of this ringing a bell?”

“…yeah.”

“So I don’t have to explain these things to you?”

“No. But I won’t say anything for my parents.”

“Yes, your parents…how are they doing?”

“Happy as ever.”

“And your brother, what was his name again…”

“Alex.”

“Oh yes. Alex. How is he?”

“Happy as ever. He has a girlfriend.”

“I see…” She wrote something on her notepad. “You don’t have a girlfriend, correct?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I see…” She wrote down something again and looked at the timer.

“How about this: we can stop now, set the time for the next session and wait till your mother gets here? I need a word with her.”

“Okay.” I stood up and Jadie did the same.

After setting the next session for next week (Killjoy.) mom came to pick me up. She “changed a few words” with Laura (more like blabbering for ten minutes) and took me (and Jadie) home.

“Looks like we’ll be joining your next session with Laura.”

“What?!”

“Me and your father are coming to your next session. Laura said that we need to discuss seriously.”

“Just great.”

“It’s okay honey, we’ll just talk.”

And all hell will get loose when she starts the talk about my medical history.

“Why do you have to be there?” It’s enough bad when I’m alone with her.

“She said that she feels like we should do this together and I personally agree with her. I’m sure your father does too.”

“Great.” Once we got out of the car my cell phone rang. Jack.

“Chris? You there?”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“You had a talk with Anna yesterday, didn’t you?”

Busted. “Yeah, why?”

“You get your ass over here right now, we need to talk!”

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A/N: Okay, I personally don't have much knowledge about the price of drugs. I just tried to make something up, so don't take any price-stuff too seriously.

And probably everyone knows the Five Stages of Grief. I'm not a psychologist but I do know some basic stuff.

Until the next chapter!


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