Friday, August 26, 2005

The things that matter...
Everyone has a different idea of what the best feeling in the world is…
Some may think that it’s when they finally achieve something that they have been working so hard for, others may think that the best feeling is when they experience an adrenaline rush, and some also believe the best feeling is total serenity and peace. Naturally there are many people who think differently and have different ideas of what the best feeling is.
How about you? I want to know what you feel is the best feeling.

To me it’s hard to fully explain what I believe to be the best feeling as my emotions vary on many different levels and are often complex in structure…
But I think that one of the best feeling is when somebody says that they love you, no matter whether it’s your mother, a sweetheart or even a good friend…just those three little words are enough to send a person like me to 7th heaven. They’re so small but mean so much and just hearing them brings a rush of emotional excitement into the body- its truly something amazing and its just fantastic how much it means when you tell someone how much you care…not many people do it anymore and that’s unfortunate because the world would probably be a much better place if people told others how much they care. For me when someone tells me how much I mean to them (even though it hasn’t happened much)…its just inexplicable and just that moment lasts forever, it doesn’t have to be prepared especially for an occasion or to be said at a special time…just telling someone that you care is one of single most important gifts that anyone can give- more important than any material or thing- just that feeling when you look into someone’s eyes and they tell you that they love you is just so important and I just hope that everyone experiences at least once. Of course there is always a risk that they aren’t being sincere and trust me when I say I’ve been lied to in that sense but when you feel it for real…that’s when it truly means something.
So today just go up to your mom, dad, sibling, family member or a really good friend or that one person that holds a special place in your heart and just say:
I love you.

-J-

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

A change of plans...
mood: sedated
Music: Ampop

I can’t reveal too much about what I’m contemplating at this moment because I’m really not so sure of anything myself…but what I am thinking of will probably piss some off.
I am considering not traveling to the US after all- I’m so predictable to myself, I should have known that I would do this…why you ask? Well this I cannot say for now but we can leave it just as is until I’m ready to forward my motives. However, I have been given a “generous” (if one can call it that) offer by this girl that I know (not personally) in Canada which I will tell more of in the future…
This of course is just a plan though- not something definite.

I wish I could speak more about things but for the few (maybe 1 or 2) that have been loyal visitors to my site for very long time (over 9 months) will know that I possibly have not vented any anger and frustration ever in a post purely dedicated towards it, I assure you still that I wont- I prefer to keep my deep personal issues to myself and on the occasion I will speak to close ones about it.
Just know that I’m hurting inside- that’s all I can say, not that anybody cares but just to make you all aware that like many my life isn’t all hunky-dory- in fact its usually the opposite, I just don’t show it.

I haven’t done anything creative- just been in my room, that’s it. Boring post I know but it’s mostly just to let you all know that I’m not dead, at least for now.
Not that anybody cares anyway.

-J-

I don’t care if you think I am immature or a child…just keep your labels to yourself.

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Friday, August 5, 2005

You know you dont want to read this- you subconciously think its stupid before you read it!
Mood: complacent (yet I am also feeling at ill ease because of this)
Music: telepopmusik

I got my learners license permit today- that means that I can finally learn how to drive a car; yes I should have got it when I was 17 but the need never arose until last year when I got discouraged after I failed the exam the first time around.
Today I got one of the greatest compliments that I have received-
Someone that was once close to me came past and we started to converse…after a few moments of interacting, she came out all of a sudden saying “you know, you're very much like that director what’s his name…Tim Burton”. Now for all of you that don’t know me (that’d be most to all of you)- Tim Burton is in my eyes possibly one of the greatest directors of our modern times, in fact there is not one of his movies that I have seen that I don’t like- one of my favourite movies is actually Edward scissor hands. Anyway getting back on track, I consider Burton to be one of my most welcomed “influences” (I hate using that word because I HATE being influenced by other artists), this compliment could also be interpreted as an insult to my originality- I have never seen Tim Burton in real life but have heard that he is rather odd and wacky in his sentiments but at the same time has a hidden deepness and a really soft inside…that is what she really meant by the “compliment” if you will.
Well I’ve been working on a new comic (doesn’t that phrase seem quite familiar ^^ at least to my friends that have been coming to my site very often) but yes I’ve completed the first page and it seems like its really grabbing me seeing that I’ve delved deeper into my inner psyche and have stuck with a more natural approach to my graphic novel. I’m not making any promises but I really hope I get to upload some of the pages.
I would talk about more exciting things like my current obsession with talking about tuna fish or rubber gloves or certain kinds of names like Robert but I’m sure if I make this too long then no one will read, so if you want to hear about those things then all you have to do is PM, IM, or e-mail me with the topic.
Other than that I was going to talk about all the new art supplies that I got or The House of Isis…but boredom and heavy deadlines have overcome me.
So seeya later ballerinas (man I miss calling you all that lol)

-J-

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Monday, August 1, 2005

ulvjgieluvqegqi the chickren is round...
It’s Sunday night.
I realize that I have such a pathetic life while watching oceans eleven on one of our 4 lame TV channels. My stomach hurts and I’m wondering if I try to train ryhorn to level 42 while also using training rayquaza at the same time which is also about to go up a level and learn hyper beam…which attack should I learn it over? Well it sounds like my parents are fucking but I know they aren’t because not only are they middle aged but also hate each other- so I guess they’re fighting. Its that time of the month for me again…no, I’m a man so its not a period…its actually a part of the month where I get overly sexually active- trust me when I say its hard to control myself, If I had a woman then I know I would make her very, very happy at this time.
I ran out of clutch lead so now I’m writing in blue pen. Oooh they’re playing Clair de Lune on TV. I’m not sure if Kasi still loves me but I remember she was writing a story by the same name -after I introduced her to the song- where we were the main characters, it was actually quite pleasant reading.
She isn’t anymore, I believe.
I often write q instead of p and what was the other one? Well I also write O’s and 0’s like 6’s because I don’t cross them properly so people tend to think I’m the devil when I write my number down as 0724 666 955 instead of 0724 000 955. Also I’m sure I’m not egotistical but I do inflict emotional pain on myself by driving those I think care for me away. I considered asking this female assistant at the art shop if she wanted to go to a movie last night- just as a friend…but naturally I was too chicken shit to do it. Did you know that for some bizarre reason I always write the letter “I” in capital form when writing by hand?
As a closing statement I wish to inform you all that I am drunk but I have considered going further. Also don’t preach that what I’m doing is wrong because I can do whatever the fuck I want with my life- I told that to my father earlier today. But don’t drink or do drugs- its bad for you, just look at me and you’ll see why…oh crap, walker fucking Texas Ranger is on! It’s enough to make me want to jump in front of a moving lawn-mower…
I wanted to say some more but since nobody is going to read this nor comment, its quite futile to say anymore. I hope I’m not sobering up…

-J-

P.S. Anna, you can kick my arse as much as you want, I think its fat enough to absorb as much punishment as you can dish out.

P.S.S. because of the nature of this letter I assume that some will find it offensive so please feel free to use the comment box as a complaint box temporarily or even permanently…its all up to you.

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

A regular post...AGAIN!
Things have been ok I suppose, nothing really major has happened except I went to my new neurologist today and got a firm talking to about me not taking my medicine regularly and why my attempt at an artistic career is a waste of time…consequently I got my blood taken for analysis to see the pattern of the effect the medicine is having on my brain.
I miss Kasi…she’s been gone for so long and I really am starting to become lonely. Also since Katie and Nicole have also left some time ago I’ve become really lonely. But at least I have Krys and Anna here for company. In fact Krystle really boosted my ego yesterday when she said that one of the reasons why our friendship is so good is because I’m so cool ^^;; yeah thanks but also as you said it’s a two-way street.
Arts been going ok, almost finished that kids caricature for his barmitsva portrait- it looks good and the dough also seems good. I may be going to the US for free now because I may get a rep job for a south African film distributor- very nice, also trying to get myself together for that 3 month trip by finding some nice warm clothes and yeah if anyone wants me to visit them then all they have to do is give me a PM/email/IM and I’ll get back to you all (I’m guessing nobody wants me to visit them).
Finished watching Furi Kuri the other day- its gotta be one of the stranger anime that I’ve seen in recent days but it still doesn’t come close to being as weird as Perfect Blue. Yeah anime seems to be a little dry in these parts since its not on tele and you can’t rent it…I’m quite bored of what I have but hopefully I’ll get some new ones soon as well as a copy of adobe Photoshop (all I have is the GIMP and its interface is well kinda foreign to me).
I think I’ll start making links to my friends sites- just so you can all get a little spot here- yeah it’ll be for the regular visitors and people who comment since they love me so much ^_~ I’m going to have to direct some traffic towards their sites too lol, nah I love you all. I need to learn some html, my site looks drab but don’t you worry- there will be a new avatar and bg up soon, there might even be a little voice link coz I might be doing my posts by voice lol it’ll be quite something. Also LOSERS inc. shirts could very well become available to order sometime in the near future as I know someone who can do a whole site for my business- some people have bought my shirts and I must say that its kind of freaky seeing people walking around with my face on it ^^;; (of course I am making some new designs that don’t have my ugly mugg on it, they’ve got some personal touches for the individual- wear it proudly, t-shirts, hoodies and beanies.
Well seems like I’ve dragged this post on for quite long enough but I leave you with the last character I designed- its from about 2 ½ months ago and yeah I don’t know exactly what his case is but I think he’s from another planet as well as being some commander of their army- it looks sort of crappy because I never finished it and I did it as a doodle- I still think its nice for what it is but hey you all can give him a name and a personality…I doubt I’ll finish him because I don’t really draw manga style anymore unless I really have to for something like a job or a birthday gift or etc…I just like doing my charcoal drawings more than cartoons.
Take care all, until next time

The wandering, wondering stranger…
-J-

P.S. sorry no poem, I’ve been a little dry- although I can speak in poetry if I must lol.


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Saturday, July 16, 2005

Comments...
mood:- worried (because of my slashed open ear)
music:- "Copa Cabana" by Barry Manilow

regarding my last post.
I received quite a few interesting comments so I think I will try to make some response to those kind enough to comment:

Kitsune Tsuki-
its not that my art and writing is exclusive, in fact very often I combine words with my art. It’s just ironic that my poetry should become of a poor quality when my art becomes of a profound and notable nature. I like it when you try to show me how you relate to my situations

Irrelevance-
I’m usually inspired by that which is close to my heart but even more so by my dreams, maybe its a good time to take inspiration from the most unlikely source in your life, eh? lol.
I appreciate your praise on my work *blushes*, with enough dedication even the most unlikely and difficult areas can be achieved...just remember to sacrifice for what you believe is not only right but important to you.

Jinku the Kitsune-
in case you had a problem reading: I said that I didn’t want to fix the problem, its part of my life that my soul needs. I appreciate what you to tell me about everything but you can’t tell if someone is going to backstab you- with me it’s almost a given when I even consider giving trust.
How am I always like that to you? We barely talk to one another and when we do it’s always about trivial issues. I hate to be blunt but I think you have quite a bit of growing to do, your judgment just comes off as frivolous and childish...choose your words more carefully.
I am no coward...

little kagome-
I really appreciate your respect and admiration for me and my writing...you always give such sweet and polite comments ^^ its always pleasant to read them and you’re one of those people's comments that I just love to expect lol.
"she" is the girl I’m in love with...I know that she would dislike me talking about it online but I really do love her and she’s always on my mind, I care for her and she makes me strong.
"Chronicle's of a Stranger" is what my journal is called...I upload my delayed entries onto myO- these special ones are called "suspended chronology", my regular daily entries are very personal and private. And yes these are my feelings.
Thanks for the hug ^_^ *hugs back*

rockstarfairychik-
friendship is complicated...the good things in life have a painful way of leaving us, I’ve become used to feelings deserting me and those I care for, such as my family...and another that I wont talk about. You know you can talk to me about all that which you find painfull…im told that I give good support ^^

kout3uka-
the shrinks said I was paranoid...it’s not only the interaction with people but I am also paranoid about a number of things.
It is scary and one looses many that are close because of lack of trust...but I can’t seem to help it.
I wish you all the best with what scares you and I’m always around for support

Ayume Korishikawa-
there’s always that fear...as is with me- I have no friends and for most of my life haven’t.
We should chat sometime- I think you have the ability to express yourself...you just need to believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Well that should clarify a few things, this is the first post that I’ve done in some time that hasn’t been to do with my journal.

-J-

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Chronicles of a Stranger: Suspended Chronology.
more...

The world is changing…
We can’t all see this change but to me it is so clear that it starts to become scary. I see people at ease, living their daily lives in comfort that everything is just normal. But something is amiss in the ever-present wind.
I can feel the change just as the wind flows through my hair. I taste the impending danger…
Maybe I’m just being paranoid; it’s a flaw that I’ve suffered from since I was very little. I never believe I can trust anybody…I have the fear that I will always be stabbed in the back, its happened every time I let my guard down. I built a wall around me and don’t let anybody inside. Someone I knew in high school once told me “hey we’re friends” after I had told him that I didn’t have any, then I replied “we’re just two guys that hang around one another sometimes, we don’t talk nor even have any social interaction at all” he then said “but that still makes us friends”, I promptly replied “the only thing that makes us friends is the fact that we aren’t enemies”.
I accept who I am…maybe I’m just waiting for someone to backstab me so I can further convince myself that I have no one. The complexities of my mind spur on enigmatic notions…people just don’t understand what’s going on inside me, not even the shrinks can understand.
I am running away from a problem that I don’t want to fix. I don’t feel fear the same way everyone else does; the only fear I do have is to be lonely…ironically it seems that I live a life of fear.

My world is changing…
I am starting a new world and I fear what is to come, I always believed I was so strong…all others did as well. It’s not easy becoming a one, leaving all you know to start something of complete oddity to you.
I find myself drinking much more these days…people are afraid when they smell the remnants of single malt whisky on my breath. Its not that I like drinking, it’s just that I have so much on my head at the moment, strange that a large aspect is my future. I hate alcohol, but it puts my nightmares at ease and it keeps me warm when I am alone and the days are cold. All I need is the touch of warm hands…like when I was a child and my mother used to hold me in her arms…her soft hands were smooth as marble yet so lovingly warm like the rays of the sun on a warm spring day.
Those days are gone now.

The blood pours from my mouth,
On my hands I see those teeth.
The ones that I lost…

At first I didn’t understand those dreams,
But now all seems to be so much finer,
As though the course see salt was ground to refined grains,

Triple schemes seem the order of the day,
But the nightmares all come from the heart and black,
So none of the writings seem important,

Old dreams of obscurity come to haunt me once again.
They won’t leave,
I don’t expect them to either,

But to my heart where the wolves feast,
Those ones make the burn all the greater,
The glass isn’t empty…


Seems like my poetry is has taken a bit of a fall in quality whereas my art takes leaps and bounds, even though I lack the right inspiration,
All I think of is her…

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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Chronicles of a Stranger: Suspended Chronology part 2
Time passes.

People get older…
I was looking through some old photo albums earlier and it’s odd to see how everyone I know has changed so much- me included. Black hair turns grey, the thin become fat, the young become old and the old become older…some even die.
Just seeing myself grow from the cute little kid I was so many years ago to the adult that I am today is odd. Adorable and sweet until the age of 5, possibly even later…then to the rebellious teenager of 6 years ago…now the maturing young adult of the new millennium.
I've changed quite a bit since the beginning.
I've gone from the carefree little youngster of my early days to the idealistic existentialist of today…but the child inside me hasn’t changed at all- only because I couldn’t have the childhood that I wanted inside but didn’t know what I really wanted back then. I refuse to put the blame on anyone and I choose to continue but I promise myself that if I ever have my own children- I will give them the best childhood that any father could give a child, I will always be there for them no matter what and I will always be there for my loved ones like the man in a family should be. But these are all just visions of a future…a future that I would one day like to give, the past that I never had.
The days have passed and I see how people grow old, my brother hasn’t changed very much- just the same immature little brat who just happens to be a genius and extremely talented at everything he does. People from my past have all but disappeared completely from my life…still existing as clear as day within my memory. My close family has only aged but still mostly remain foreign, those even closer have only distanced themselves because of the change they have undergone…all I ever wanted was for them to remain the same as my past child that wasn’t permitted to grow.
Influential figures…I have none but my mother- showing me the way I should be in my future when it comes to compassion…my father shows me what I should not become- a selfish, chauvinistic, unemotional bag of dreams and anger who knows nothing and does nothing unless it is for his own personal gain. Those I care for come and go but always remain fresh in my heart, past loves also remain as constant as ever but then again…they are just memories. More importantly is the now- I am in a state of mind that seems comfortable, I am proceeding to freedom, I am who I have always been and I embrace it with all of myself and I have a woman in my life who loves me…
None of this means that I am happy, and I can’t ignore my past for it is what has partially made me what I am today…I can recognize that I have a future and I can work towards it without a direction…the only way is forward but I walk now, there is no other time.
Regrets? There are a few but that wont change anything so I have nothing to do but learn from my past mistakes and proceed- there is nothing stopping me and I can clear all obstacles in my way…I am the master of myself and I know that I can make everything work as long as I do the best that I can…more than that I cannot do and this Ideal will bring me to what I most desire in life.
So today I walk away from everything that holds me back and continue on my journey as the wandering wanderer…

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Saturday, July 2, 2005

The Chronicles of a Stranger: Suspended Chronology
Part 1

My journal has begun to arouse some interest in certain people that shall remain anonymous, so in a way I now have a “fan club” if you may call it. Which of course I don’t mind the attention- in fact it makes me feel good but because of the need to email these people my daily journal- my myotaku.com journal will suffer delays in post dates- naturally I have decided to for a separate entity known as The Chronicles of a Stranger: Suspended Chronology. This should be a nice way to continue the myotaku posts for the time being until I decide to progress in my life as far as internet usage is concerned.
Lately things have been going a little different and a little the same. My parents still fight and most seem to dislike everything about me besides my creative abilities (which many still reject). And at a turn for the best I have resumed communications with Krystle…*sighs* Krystle, the one who brought me to the whole internet chatting idea. Its hard to believe how much time has gone by, Krystle had been (what I consider to be) my best and most loyal friend for a long time- after a long and pleasing internet friendship we decided to become pen-pals…it didn’t really last as long as I had hoped but there is almost always a communication break down and after sometime of chatting online almost on a nightly basis, it came to an end and our friendship seemed to become suspended in an abnormally abrupt manner. Life continued but I still missed her as she was my best friend and I still consider her to be one of my best friends, and now she has returned and just as before- we get along very nicely and this interaction almost seems “harmonious” in a way. Of course naturally other communications have broken down with others like Katie and Kasi but I know that whatever they are doing I am sure they are probably content.
My art career is taking off and it seems that as with my journal- my art has developed a liking because of its fresh stylistic nature but I think I won’t cover that in this entry as it is a lengthy topic. Well I don’t think that there is much left to add besides the fact that I am in a much better mood on the account of my friend Krystle and to be honest; I haven’t felt a joy like this for at least a month…so I should be sure to produce a special artwork for her that will fit in with the last one that I sent her.
Friendship is a beautiful thing.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Chronicles of a Stranger: Part 3
Concerning my trip to the United States of America. I didn’t realize that I could only stay in the country for a total of 3 months at a time; this of course has made my life more complicated because I wanted to travel and be on my own for a much longer period…and now I have to limit myself to only a few places of temporary residence. There are certain people that I really would like to visit and it seems that out of the 3 months I shall only be able to visit a maximum of 5 (more likely 3 or 4) people. I once again find myself in a quandary but as far as time is concerned I believe that I will be in the US from November to February…this seems to be a nice time even though its cold- I haven’t ever seen snow before and it should be a highlight. I must apologize to all those people that offered me accommodation so openly…I will never forget their kindness and I’m sure in the future I will see them eventually.
I wonder if everyone who reads this will think that I’m crazy for writing to myself…it seems odd to many because it is almost as though I’m speaking to myself, this could be reference in my journal that I want to publish- its very personal and I believe that many will find it interesting to read an autobiography of such an informal nature. I mean its not like I’m writing as though I’m recording my life history…just my feelings and emotions.
Today my family suggested that I go to a psychologist, it’s possible that they are right…it wouldn’t be the first time either, this could very well be my third or fourth attempt at mental stability. However…I don’t think that I will ever be anything but a sociopath, it seems that those qualities are ones that I have inherited without flaw.
It seems that this entry contrasts my last one very much…maybe it’s because I told my father that I’m terminating my studies. Who knows but I feel different today…almost at ease in some ways. I don’t think it’s because I drank last night (this I only did because I couldn’t get to sleep)…its not that I’m resolved in anyway at all, but I suppose that for once my reserved and reclusive nature hasn’t got me into too much trouble with those close to me. Although today I was accused of attempting to control someone…I refuse to believe this, I don’t try to control…I just try to allow people to open their minds, of course this action is wrong and it has convinced me in some way that I should no longer talk to anyone for the rest of a long period in life…to try and avoid the possibility that I may hurt them.
People I care about are disappearing from my life…this is expected of course because it’s what people do to me. Do I make them disappear? I don’t think I do because for those I care for in such ways…I haven’t done anything to merit their desertion. My unnecessary sacrifice to others once again is made for a cause that doesn’t exist…for I exist for others and it could be possible that either what I have done has made them well enough to not need my company…or I have chased them away due to my nature. I don’t mind being used as a tool…I have been for as long as I can remember and I am used to being needed, this needing seems to be a purpose of mine. And now I ask: is it those people that need me? Or do I make them need me because I feel as though I have not accomplished anything?

J. Kanar

“I have no flaws in my personality…
for my entire personality is a flaw”

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