Monday, June 27, 2005

Chronicles of a stranger: part 2
Isn’t it strange how natural it is for people to look with such indignant eyes on what they don’t understand? This is the case with I. I didn’t choose the way I wanted to be, but I don’t want to be like all of you…is that why you hate me? I feel the people’s eyes hunting me.
This capitalist society that we live in where the rich get richer and poor only get poorer is one that I cant survive in. it suffocates me and I can just see everyone looking down at me saying: STOP SAYING THAT! WHY CANT YOU JUST BE NORMAL! THINGS WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU WERNT LIKE THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE!
It makes me want to die…I cry
I asked myself all the time…why couldn’t I just be normal? The truth is that I don’t know. Do I want to be normal? It’s not like I try to be different. Its not my fault that people don’t want to open their minds, and I don’t see it as my mission to do it for them…I might just be killed if I try. This world is just too much, im all alone in this place, I never used to have a big problem with it before but now the feelings of loneliness haunt me. Throughout my whole childhood I have been alone, after some time I just accepted it as being my fate and wondered alone, watching all the other children having fun…I didn’t choose to be this way.
I curl up in the dark corner, trying to keep myself warm from the feelings but its not only the outside that is cold but I’m being frozen from my fragile inside…my heart is becoming cold and it hurts. Why must this be? I know that I cannot end myself…without finding the question. This question isn’t a question like: why am I here? Or what is my purpose? Or perhaps even where am I going? Nor is it pills or knife? Or what must I do to be happy? This question is one that keeps me alive and as much as I wish that I weren’t here…it’s this question that I must answer.
I’ve tried to drown my sorrows with alcohol, or perhaps blow it away with cigarettes and joints; I’ve tried to carve the sorrows out of my flesh with a blunt knife and tweezers, and tried to run away from them by leaving my home…
They just come back, and I can’t blame them on anyone, as much as I try to…the problems always lead back to me. The ones I love get hurt and I get hurt by those feelings too, even though I feel that the people closest to me are trying to hurt me by deceiving me…it all leads back to me. I don’t think ive done anything wrong to deserve hurt but obviously I have, it stops people from caring about me and loving me…they turn on me with angry eyes of blood and flame. Is this my destiny? To be alone?
I’ve always been alone, when I try to be with others I just hurt them. I’ve always been the rebellious one and maybe this time I am going against my destiny.
Nobody cares…they say they do but I can see through them. They think im insane and maybe they are right…maybe…they are right. Maybe this is all just a nightmare, maybe this is all just some twisted game that my mind is playing on me…I think im loosing my grip.

Nobody there to pull me up…
Did I really expect there to be someone?
I always make that mistake…
Expecting things that I already know cannot be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Get me out of here…
Everyone looks at me with such contempt,
I can see the conviction in their eyes,
They wish to kill me,

Why can’t they just accept me for who I am?
Is that so hard?
Is it such a task for the people of this world?
That I am just an individual…
Of course they can’t,

It is only natural to hate what one cannot understand,
It seems that I defy nature,
Where they all see me as an object of loathing,
I see them as just people…
They are nothing else to me but people,

In a world of black and white,
This is where they live
I can’t control how you think,
And I cannot change you,
Nor would I want to,
I can only guide you,
If you will let me,
Of course you won’t,

Of this I am certain.

J. Kanar

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“I am not a generic,
I am not you”

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

Chronicles of a stranger. part 1
Lately it seems that life has taken a turn for the bitter…I feel so alone but I suppose I should be used to it now. It’s just that I hurt on the inside, I know this feeling all too well now and I can honestly say that I wish I didn’t have to feel this anymore…is this feeling the way life is meant to be? It seems that no matter what I do, I always end up hurting so maybe I’ve just covered the real world of hurt with a ruse that disguises it as a beautiful place. Maybe its just people, because according to what I’ve seen, people are the real influences of life and no matter how big or small you are- you still leave a mark on this planet. I don’t know…maybe I’m just not well or something, I just feel like I’m being eaten from the inside out and I don’t want to drink anything because it’s not good for me and it upsets people I know. People, I just don’t know what to do- I have 5 commissions to do (2 of which I just completed) and they are all due within this next few days…its just that there’s this person that’s on my mind all the time and the only way I can get them off is when I drink which gets rid of all my sorrow and turns me into a drawing machine *sigh* I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It seems that one ray of light is shining down on me, for out of the bleak darkness there are a few kind hearted people that have offered to accommodate me for certain periods of time…and they didn’t even require any persuading either. However, I still do need a lot of places to stay and even though some may not know me well at all- I still would wish to at least talk with a few of you and see if there is some arrangement we can make.

I’ve started writing my new book, it looks like it will be quite interesting and enjoyable to some extent because it will dive deep into my past (some of you may think that I’m a little young to do this but I can tell you that my 19 years has been a very long time) and it may even give me the time to sort out issues from my childhood…it will be painful because I have had an extraordinarily sad life. Yes it may be my autobiography or maybe a work based on my life. I’m sure it will occupy the next few years of my life.

I’m just lucky that soon I will be free from my bonds, and possibly I will abandon some of my lesser known bonds that I neglect…maybe the path of existentialism is my only direction. Its ok if this life was meant to be hard because I am a strong person (apparently) and if life weren’t a challenge then it would be a dull place. I am no stranger to sacrifice, in fact it is probably the word that best describes my life and I would give up anything…even my life, for something I believe in. and I’m ok with going because I think…no I’m certain that nobody would even grieve for me, its ok because I can understand being alone since I’ve been in such a state for the majority of my life…although it was a new experience to actually be wanted for once…needed in some cases, but I’m sure that you all know that when there is care and love- there is also a big price to pay: pain. I can endure most any pain but when It comes to that of the heart…well I never had my heart broken before last year, and I’ve come to accept that this is part of life and as long as I have no regrets then I am ok with it…people make mistakes and we just have to move past them and accept them. There’s no denying that this life isn’t hard…in fact living is probably the hardest thing that most of us will ever do and its not a bad thing…being unhappy is simply another human emotion and being happy is usually a clever temporary disguise that we place over it so as to acknowledge that our life hasn’t been a complete waste. However in some rare cases certain exceptional people gain pure happiness…I have some idea of what this may be because I have encountered a case where an elderly couple were content in every way with their lives spent together…they looked truly happy, and even if one of those two may die…the other would be happy because they know that anything that you love enough is worth letting go of, and they know that their departed loved one is ever watching over them with love…I was not envious but I know that there is a possibility that one day I may become truly happy.

Throughout my life I have dedicated myself to the pursuit of knowledge, beauty and everything that makes this planet such a special place…I want to see everything that there is. Its quite ironic because most say that I’m doing this because I am searching for something…I thought that I found what I was looking for some time ago when it came in the form of love, the truth is that I needed it. I used to respond to the question by saying that I am looking for happiness- it turns out that this reply was just an excuse for something of a bigger, more important nature.
I am looking for a question. I’m not sure what that question is just yet but when I find this question then I will know the answer. It will be a crucial moment in my life that will probably open up the world that is my mind to everything that I couldn’t see before. And it won’t be a decision that is based on the world’s perception of black and white…it will question the idealistic nature of my mind. I’m sure that all of us reach the point in our lives where we are living for a question…and I’m sure that all of you will also reach the point when the time comes.
So is it so wrong that I am searching for the question? I feel that it is not something physical that I am looking for because eventually it will come to me.

Wondering through this superficial world will not be easy…in fact it will probably take every ounce of strength that I possess to achieve my goals. From now on I will be known as the stranger…wherever I go I shall be called the wandering, wondering stranger known as J…nothing more. I don’t feel that I have a place to go to, a home…I feel that it is tied in with my destiny that I have no place of my own…I’m very sure that my journey will take the rest of my life. Some may feel that I am a coward for abandoning my studies and all that I have right now in favor of traveling the world and being free, but tell me this: am I a coward for embracing my destiny? It’s a matter of opinion what my future may be…and I feel that traveling the world alone does not fit into the category of cowardice.
Am I being selfish, you say? I’m walking the path with little structure for unlike most of you who have a structured life-style taught to you…I am one that has no structure. Where you live your life with the plan, I live mine as the drifter, with no structure- a structure that seems to make sense to only me. Where you know your path, I walk my path.
I am an individual, I don’t try to be different but deep inside I know that I am not in anyway like any of you. I couldn’t fit in, even if I wanted to. This generic world that we live in is a place where others consider me an anomaly…

I don’t need labels to decide my identity,
I don’t need religion to conform my ideals,
I don’t need studies to decide my future,
I don’t need friends to hold me back,
I don’t need home to destroy my freedom,
I don’t need life to show me the limits,
I don’t need death to show me what’s beyond,

I am me,
That’s all I need to be,
No more,
No less.

-J-

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

Can I stay with you?
Due to popular request i have decided to make another post...and a very important post this is too.

firstly i think its note worthy to say that i sorted things out with Kasi and we are back together- it seems it made her more unhappy to be without me than to be with me.
ok now for the main part of the post and i want you all to listen carefully because this will never work without your help- and i know that you are all really good people so i'm sure even if none of you agree to help then i understand.
I have decided to terminate my college studies, the reason? well ive been thinking about it for a long time and this diploma course is making me very depressed and i know this isnt what i want to do. im a free spirit and i refuse to be confined to computer. so after careful decisions i have decided to start my own life and im happy to say that soon i shall be travelling around your most interesting country that is the United States of America- this is the part that requires your help. you see as you all know i come from a poorish 3rd world country where 7 rand(the national currency) is equal to $1 US...so naturally i cant afford accomodation and living costs not to mention travel costs very easily, so my friends i look to you and ask you if there is any chance that you can accomodate me- i am more then willing to work so i can support myself in your home by being your part time maid or baby sitter, i am extremely commited and dependable not to mention trust worthy and i assure you that in know way am i perverted or have any criminal tendancies (im a good boy). i need a few places to house me over the 3 months that i will be travelling and so far i have 2 (1 undecided). I look to you now as my friends and i feel i can trust your judgement...so if any of you are willing to house me for a few days then all you have to do is either send me an e-mail or PM (prefferably e-mail) supplying me with how you plan to hold me along with a phone number which has area code along with international dialing code just to let me know and i will get back to you as soon as possible whether it be IM or even phone.
you have no idea how much this means to me so i look forward to your replies.

yours sincerely,
J. Kanar
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

My final post...
Yesterday I lost my love,
The woman I love…my other half I no longer have…

It wasn’t that bad but my heart hurts and I hate that. I still love you Kasi Elise but I had to let you go…sometimes when a person loves another one with all their heart- it takes more courage to let them go because you care so much about them that you sacrifice what you have with them to allow them to have a better, normal life.
I would have spent my whole life with you, but our lives headed in different directions- yours wanted confinement and normality, mine wants the freedom of the wind. I care so much about you and one day I hope you will meet another man who loves you as much as I do, who can sacrifice many hours of their time just to speak with you, who will constantly check to see if you’re alright, who will treat you as though you are everything important in this world no matter how he will suffer because of that…who will dedicated his whole life to you like I have.

My dear myOtaku friends…I fear that this may be my final post. Kasi was the one who gave my life (on the internet) purpose, I used to go online just so I could speak with her- sacrificing a lot of work time just for that…now that I no longer speak with her…there just is no point to me going on the internet anymore.
To Katie, I have enjoyed our friendship so much and I know it will never end…I just hope you don’t think I'm being a coward for leaving…but you’ll always be my 1st mate Kate.
If only things could be different…
I will miss you all…and I'm proud to call you my friends: Krystle, kout3uka, little kagome, nehszriah and of course my good friend Anna…
You’ve been more then my my family could ever be and for that I am indebted to you.

Please Kasi…keep the keys to my heart- I don’t plan on loving any other, and I have chosen a life of solitude…its what I deserve for being the person that I am…no love and care should I have, I only give love and care because I care for everybody.
The future I cannot tell but…I predict happiness for everyone, not for myself but I know everyone will be happy and to some extent it makes me happy to know all of you will and are happy.
What I do plan is that if I don’t finish my diploma for 3D animation…then I plan to go to live in Austria for a while, it’s a decision I made and as I said- my soul requires freedom…I cant live in front of the computer. I just wish I wasn’t alone.
Its odd that my only fear in life is to be alone…but in truth its what I always am- does that make me afraid of being me? Maybe its because I never had anyone and want so badly someone that I can be with but the truth still remains that I am alone…alone and lonely.

I love you Kasi, I know I told you to forget about me but always remember one thing- even when there is nobody near you…just know that there is someone who loves you and he will never forget you as long as he lives.
I let you fly in the wind now…take care my angel…

Farewell my friends…
You will all be well and I shall leave my myOtaku account here even though I may never update…just so that you can have some memories of original J: the guy that was misunderstood for who he was is not of this world. If by some twist of fate or the mind- just know that you can call me on my cellular phone- my number is: +2772 4000 955. I will always be available if you need to talk about anything- I am the shoulder…

Take care…I will miss you all

-J. Kanar-

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Sunday, June 12, 2005

...alone and lonely...
I'm so alone…
I feel so alone these days…I just cant connect with anybody and besides for not being able to go on the net anymore (or for at least a little while), I have lost almost total contact with any of the people I care for- no emails, no PM’s…nothing. Its not that I feel abandoned, its just that I cant be with you and its driving me crazy. Being in love teaches you a few things…like how to care, but it also teaches one how to be lonely. I never felt lonely until I fell in love. My classmates are all I have and even they aren’t people I can truly connect with- Emilia once said that I should stop trying to be different…I'm just misunderstood and different, I never chose to be that way- its just the way I am destined to be. I spend over 14 hours at college everyday…the least anyone can do is show that they care a little, I'm also a human with feelings and they can get hurt just like everybody else.

I care…

An extract from my journal- 11/06/2005

I hope you all are well, take care while I cant…
And don’t count every second…make every second count.

-J-

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Friday, June 3, 2005

If you care then please read this...
I'm sick...
for the first time in about 5 years i am sick and i feel like im gonna die...nuff said.

as far as i know, these are the weirdest things that have happened to me of recent times:

1. the one night there wasnt anything to eat and my mother didnt want to cook. there was only left over rice from the night before. i suck at cooking anything more complicated than pouring hot water into a bowl of ready-to-cook instant noodles...so i took the rice and mixed it with salt, other spices, vinegar,peanut butter, mayonaise and a dash of coke...yeah thats what i thought after i ate all of it. about 5 minutes after i finished it i realised that there was left over soup and ravioli in the fridge.

2. the other day i proposed marriage to a 14 year old girl...but i'll talk about that in my next post (if im still around)

i hope you dont get sick like me, just take care of yourselves.

-J-

and for nicole,
if you are reading this then please, please know that ive been worrying so much because i havent heard from you...your phone is never on and you dont reply to your email.
Nicole also goes by the name "sesshomaru206" on myotaku.com...
please if anyone here knows a Nicole Angell of London, Canada then please call me- my cell number is +2772 4000 955
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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

if you dont read this then you are missing out on some very important info...
Hello ballerinas,

Well it’s been awhile since my last post but with just reason. The pressure is on at college so I'm not on the net much, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you all ^_~ so I made a special effort to come online in the middle of all the chaos by secretly sneaking online lol.
Anyway some may have noticed that I submitted my first greeting, it has a bit of personal meaning because I created it especially to give it to someone. As far as art is going, I have designed some awesome characters which it seems everybody shares my sentiments on and for once I feel truly happy about them. But more importantly for some reason I am very happy…I cant explain why but I just am, very odd that I cant explain…I mean nothing really important has happened lately and my relations with those around me haven’t really changed much either.
Now I ask you all something just to liven things up- today I ask “what is the weirdest thing you’ve done in most recent times?” very simple and I'm sure the results will be quite interesting ^^.

One last thing…this is for Nicole,
I don’t know where you’ve gone and I don’t know if youre even reading this…but please no that I am with you in spirit…my phone doesn’t let me txt message you and I worry for you because as a person that cares, I don’t know what to expect when you don’t here from you.

Well that’s it for now but next time I have some important to say that shouldn’t be missed.
Everyone please take care…I'm sorry if the post is short and meaningless, but everyone just be well- I always care about all of you.

-J-

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY…HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
It’s a special day that comes around only once a year…it becomes less important as the years go by but for one very special young lady, today is that day. So now I say to my dear friend Katie…happy birthday my dear friend Katie, you turn 15 today and even though I can’t be there with you, my thoughts and heart are with you and my spirit accompanies you. Just in case you didn’t know- Katie is a very good friend, in fact she is one of my best and only friends even though I only know her over the internet…
Katie is a wonderful young girl- always cheery and is sure to put you in a good mood, extremely intelligent, she a very beautiful and attractive gal and I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have boys begging at her feet. Whenever I'm upset I will always go to her to laugh, and she’s always there for me when I need her.
I know that I cant give you your gift right away…besides for postal issues with the shirt I made for you, what I was planning to give you as a substitute couldn’t be finished so I apologise dearly for it.
To my very special 1st mate Kate…Happy Birthday and I wish you another year of health and happiness and I hope never wish to loose our beautiful friendship of a pirate journey on the high seas…
heres a huge, warm birthday hug from me and a sweet kiss on the cheek wishing you a wonderful birthday.
Please go and visit DragonMasterKatieand give her a nice big birthday hug.

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Saturday, May 21, 2005

todays post is below the subject line...
yesterday was bitter sweet.

the sweet was that i got to see the new star wars movie- i believe that it was really amazing (as usual the acting was horrid). the last half was fantastic especially. also its the weekend so thats gotta be good, only 2 days closer to my art deadline.

the bitter was something that i would rather not talk about because it involves another person (who may be reading this) and i hate talking about people behind their backs. but i will a little, i got pretty hurt yesterday...as you might know ive never been good in the love department, but ive had a fight and even though i may not have been gravely injured, my heart still cracked- im sensitive and have feelings too just to let you all know...i get hurt and i am hurt. im not going to complain because everything in this entire cadenza as usual has to be a secret to everyone so my voice is silenced...and it always is my fault.

it seems that everyone still hates me except just maybe 1 person at college and a few internet buddies. i wrote another poem and once again forgive the pessimism that is obviously evident in it but my poetry always ties up with how i feel.

sad life

painfully, pensively alone,
its my fault

the wings of the silence,
shower me with solitude

this silence is that of doubt...
painful doubt,

sad life,
but sadder sins,
for the life i wish i had,

it cant be,
this pain is mine,
and i know i cant be free,
for i have tried,
i truly have,

one other tried,
the one i love,
she tried,
but,
my sins,
are selfish,

my past is my past,
i live there,
my sins,
stop what i could be now,

happy,

im sorry for who i am,
im jealous for you,
the one i never deserved.

by J. Kanar

thats all i have to say- let me be silent.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!
Hey there,

Sorry I haven’t posted in so long but things are a tad hectic. Well its nice to know that sooo many people commented on my last post lol but nevertheless I will share with you my favourite intro sequences:
(1 being my favourite)
1. Super Smash bros. Melee
2. Soul Blade
3. Either Heart of Darkness or X-wing alliance (many go into 3rd place)

Beards growing back nicely as expected but I don’t know if that’s the cause of my poor performance in college. Tonight I'm going to a seminar being done by my all time favourite artist: William Kentridge, this could be the turning point in my art career as I'm gonna ask him if I can watch him work and get some tips as well as chat with him about any philosophical rubbish that happens to be on my mind…this is gonna be great. Not much more to say for now except I hope you all just take care…and also do yourself a favour and visit DragonMasterKatie’s page, she’s a great fun loving gal and you’d enjoy her posts…except the whole phantom of the opera thing.

I leave you with I poem I wrote…

Cold Tears

When I think of you,
All I feel are tears,
Crying tears of mercury,
…So cold

Sweet memories long gone,
When I reminisce to a time,
Where my mind looked no further,
Than a heart that was whole

But then you left me,
And I felt sad,
Sorrows drowning in a pool of hate,
With yet more to clog up my already blackened soul,

My heart still weeps from your absence,
And my soul still cries from your distance,
But I continue to walk…
I walk to a new land.

By J Kanar

Take care of yourselves, smile and love.
-J-

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