myOtaku.com: original J

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1985-12-02
Gender
• Male
Location
• Johannesburg, South Africa
Member Since
• 2003-08-09
Occupation
• Commissioned artist, amateur writer
Real Name
• i have many names.....people who know me know what to call me but you can call me whatever you want- makes no difference to me (but people usually call me J)

Personal

Achievements
• I succeed in failing and fail in succeeding
Anime Fan Since
• whenever it was that i first watched it...but I am not a fan
Favorite Anime
• I do enjoy all of sunrise and hajime yatate productions...especially escaflowne, bebop, and scryed. also a fan of old school anime
Goals
• none of my goals are ever achieved. i have many...and that is the same as having none, i will only succeed at dying
Hobbies
• ...existing in an existential quandary full of loathing and self doubt
Talents
• I dont believe in talent- everything that i am good at i have worked hard to achieve that skill

myOtaku.com: original J

Thursday, May 5, 2005

listen to the beauty...
Its been a while since ive been this depressed…you can ask Katie because she took the brunt of my depression last night and I thank you for that, It seems youre the only one that’s ever there when I truly need to cry. I'm feeling abnormally lonely…Ive been drinking so much lately, I just am having an extremely hard time recently and I even went to such measures as smoking a spliff in the hopes of feeling better…needless to say it didn’t help. I just feel like running away from my heart that hurts so much, not even the sweet girls of my group could cheer me up- from the sweet childish antics of Samantha to that very sweet kiss and hug from Emilia *sigh*. There are just so many hard feelings flowing in my head and I just don’t know where to start…maybe I just need to be institutionalised again. At least my art isn’t suffering, if anything it has gotten better from my current sentiments, of course nobody seems to enjoy the harsh realities of my subject matter which ranges from homicidal tendencies, to insanity, to depression and also death and solitude.
I just keep on realising how alone I am in the world
*listens to Clair de lune by claud Debussy* such a beautiful sound…so beautiful, a beauty for the true romantics which there are so few of now…In fact I know of no other romantics that exist besides for the pretenders, beauty and grace seem to be what the children of our new age have forgotten- I'm sure Anna may feel this way as well.

Beautiful eyes

Sorrow,
When beautiful eyes lay themselves down on me,
Rolling through that which cant be seen,
Only longing to know that which is behind the mirror,
But we shall never uncover the truth,

Peeling the pulp of prejudice,
Perceiving wrong and right,
Black and white,
But also forsaking that which dwells in between for skin,
So sad…

Asking questions without using words…
Phrases turn to emotions,
As I try find a way out of the darkness,
Can anyone hear me?
Lost in the void,
I gasp for life,
But it seems that only they hold the keys to my heart,
Only them

When will it end?
When will it begin?
Your beautiful eyes cannot tell, for that which lies ahead,
Is but a dream,
A dream that lasts forever more…

By J. Kanar

That was a poem I once wrote, it was published by a news paper- I like it but most of you may find it hard to interpret. Nevertheless I feel that is something I want to post.

Take care everyone…please take care of yourselves because I can feel it and I know that even though happiness is something so few have, just take care and maybe…just maybe it will come to you, I surely hope it comes to me…

Farewell…
-J-

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