Saturday, June 25, 2005

Chronicles of a stranger. part 1
Lately it seems that life has taken a turn for the bitter…I feel so alone but I suppose I should be used to it now. It’s just that I hurt on the inside, I know this feeling all too well now and I can honestly say that I wish I didn’t have to feel this anymore…is this feeling the way life is meant to be? It seems that no matter what I do, I always end up hurting so maybe I’ve just covered the real world of hurt with a ruse that disguises it as a beautiful place. Maybe its just people, because according to what I’ve seen, people are the real influences of life and no matter how big or small you are- you still leave a mark on this planet. I don’t know…maybe I’m just not well or something, I just feel like I’m being eaten from the inside out and I don’t want to drink anything because it’s not good for me and it upsets people I know. People, I just don’t know what to do- I have 5 commissions to do (2 of which I just completed) and they are all due within this next few days…its just that there’s this person that’s on my mind all the time and the only way I can get them off is when I drink which gets rid of all my sorrow and turns me into a drawing machine *sigh* I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It seems that one ray of light is shining down on me, for out of the bleak darkness there are a few kind hearted people that have offered to accommodate me for certain periods of time…and they didn’t even require any persuading either. However, I still do need a lot of places to stay and even though some may not know me well at all- I still would wish to at least talk with a few of you and see if there is some arrangement we can make.

I’ve started writing my new book, it looks like it will be quite interesting and enjoyable to some extent because it will dive deep into my past (some of you may think that I’m a little young to do this but I can tell you that my 19 years has been a very long time) and it may even give me the time to sort out issues from my childhood…it will be painful because I have had an extraordinarily sad life. Yes it may be my autobiography or maybe a work based on my life. I’m sure it will occupy the next few years of my life.

I’m just lucky that soon I will be free from my bonds, and possibly I will abandon some of my lesser known bonds that I neglect…maybe the path of existentialism is my only direction. Its ok if this life was meant to be hard because I am a strong person (apparently) and if life weren’t a challenge then it would be a dull place. I am no stranger to sacrifice, in fact it is probably the word that best describes my life and I would give up anything…even my life, for something I believe in. and I’m ok with going because I think…no I’m certain that nobody would even grieve for me, its ok because I can understand being alone since I’ve been in such a state for the majority of my life…although it was a new experience to actually be wanted for once…needed in some cases, but I’m sure that you all know that when there is care and love- there is also a big price to pay: pain. I can endure most any pain but when It comes to that of the heart…well I never had my heart broken before last year, and I’ve come to accept that this is part of life and as long as I have no regrets then I am ok with it…people make mistakes and we just have to move past them and accept them. There’s no denying that this life isn’t hard…in fact living is probably the hardest thing that most of us will ever do and its not a bad thing…being unhappy is simply another human emotion and being happy is usually a clever temporary disguise that we place over it so as to acknowledge that our life hasn’t been a complete waste. However in some rare cases certain exceptional people gain pure happiness…I have some idea of what this may be because I have encountered a case where an elderly couple were content in every way with their lives spent together…they looked truly happy, and even if one of those two may die…the other would be happy because they know that anything that you love enough is worth letting go of, and they know that their departed loved one is ever watching over them with love…I was not envious but I know that there is a possibility that one day I may become truly happy.

Throughout my life I have dedicated myself to the pursuit of knowledge, beauty and everything that makes this planet such a special place…I want to see everything that there is. Its quite ironic because most say that I’m doing this because I am searching for something…I thought that I found what I was looking for some time ago when it came in the form of love, the truth is that I needed it. I used to respond to the question by saying that I am looking for happiness- it turns out that this reply was just an excuse for something of a bigger, more important nature.
I am looking for a question. I’m not sure what that question is just yet but when I find this question then I will know the answer. It will be a crucial moment in my life that will probably open up the world that is my mind to everything that I couldn’t see before. And it won’t be a decision that is based on the world’s perception of black and white…it will question the idealistic nature of my mind. I’m sure that all of us reach the point in our lives where we are living for a question…and I’m sure that all of you will also reach the point when the time comes.
So is it so wrong that I am searching for the question? I feel that it is not something physical that I am looking for because eventually it will come to me.

Wondering through this superficial world will not be easy…in fact it will probably take every ounce of strength that I possess to achieve my goals. From now on I will be known as the stranger…wherever I go I shall be called the wandering, wondering stranger known as J…nothing more. I don’t feel that I have a place to go to, a home…I feel that it is tied in with my destiny that I have no place of my own…I’m very sure that my journey will take the rest of my life. Some may feel that I am a coward for abandoning my studies and all that I have right now in favor of traveling the world and being free, but tell me this: am I a coward for embracing my destiny? It’s a matter of opinion what my future may be…and I feel that traveling the world alone does not fit into the category of cowardice.
Am I being selfish, you say? I’m walking the path with little structure for unlike most of you who have a structured life-style taught to you…I am one that has no structure. Where you live your life with the plan, I live mine as the drifter, with no structure- a structure that seems to make sense to only me. Where you know your path, I walk my path.
I am an individual, I don’t try to be different but deep inside I know that I am not in anyway like any of you. I couldn’t fit in, even if I wanted to. This generic world that we live in is a place where others consider me an anomaly…

I don’t need labels to decide my identity,
I don’t need religion to conform my ideals,
I don’t need studies to decide my future,
I don’t need friends to hold me back,
I don’t need home to destroy my freedom,
I don’t need life to show me the limits,
I don’t need death to show me what’s beyond,

I am me,
That’s all I need to be,
No more,
No less.

-J-

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