Monday, June 27, 2005

Chronicles of a stranger: part 2
Isn’t it strange how natural it is for people to look with such indignant eyes on what they don’t understand? This is the case with I. I didn’t choose the way I wanted to be, but I don’t want to be like all of you…is that why you hate me? I feel the people’s eyes hunting me.
This capitalist society that we live in where the rich get richer and poor only get poorer is one that I cant survive in. it suffocates me and I can just see everyone looking down at me saying: STOP SAYING THAT! WHY CANT YOU JUST BE NORMAL! THINGS WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU WERNT LIKE THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE!
It makes me want to die…I cry
I asked myself all the time…why couldn’t I just be normal? The truth is that I don’t know. Do I want to be normal? It’s not like I try to be different. Its not my fault that people don’t want to open their minds, and I don’t see it as my mission to do it for them…I might just be killed if I try. This world is just too much, im all alone in this place, I never used to have a big problem with it before but now the feelings of loneliness haunt me. Throughout my whole childhood I have been alone, after some time I just accepted it as being my fate and wondered alone, watching all the other children having fun…I didn’t choose to be this way.
I curl up in the dark corner, trying to keep myself warm from the feelings but its not only the outside that is cold but I’m being frozen from my fragile inside…my heart is becoming cold and it hurts. Why must this be? I know that I cannot end myself…without finding the question. This question isn’t a question like: why am I here? Or what is my purpose? Or perhaps even where am I going? Nor is it pills or knife? Or what must I do to be happy? This question is one that keeps me alive and as much as I wish that I weren’t here…it’s this question that I must answer.
I’ve tried to drown my sorrows with alcohol, or perhaps blow it away with cigarettes and joints; I’ve tried to carve the sorrows out of my flesh with a blunt knife and tweezers, and tried to run away from them by leaving my home…
They just come back, and I can’t blame them on anyone, as much as I try to…the problems always lead back to me. The ones I love get hurt and I get hurt by those feelings too, even though I feel that the people closest to me are trying to hurt me by deceiving me…it all leads back to me. I don’t think ive done anything wrong to deserve hurt but obviously I have, it stops people from caring about me and loving me…they turn on me with angry eyes of blood and flame. Is this my destiny? To be alone?
I’ve always been alone, when I try to be with others I just hurt them. I’ve always been the rebellious one and maybe this time I am going against my destiny.
Nobody cares…they say they do but I can see through them. They think im insane and maybe they are right…maybe…they are right. Maybe this is all just a nightmare, maybe this is all just some twisted game that my mind is playing on me…I think im loosing my grip.

Nobody there to pull me up…
Did I really expect there to be someone?
I always make that mistake…
Expecting things that I already know cannot be.

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Get me out of here…
Everyone looks at me with such contempt,
I can see the conviction in their eyes,
They wish to kill me,

Why can’t they just accept me for who I am?
Is that so hard?
Is it such a task for the people of this world?
That I am just an individual…
Of course they can’t,

It is only natural to hate what one cannot understand,
It seems that I defy nature,
Where they all see me as an object of loathing,
I see them as just people…
They are nothing else to me but people,

In a world of black and white,
This is where they live
I can’t control how you think,
And I cannot change you,
Nor would I want to,
I can only guide you,
If you will let me,
Of course you won’t,

Of this I am certain.

J. Kanar

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“I am not a generic,
I am not you”

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