Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Chronicles of a Stranger: Part 3
Concerning my trip to the United States of America. I didn’t realize that I could only stay in the country for a total of 3 months at a time; this of course has made my life more complicated because I wanted to travel and be on my own for a much longer period…and now I have to limit myself to only a few places of temporary residence. There are certain people that I really would like to visit and it seems that out of the 3 months I shall only be able to visit a maximum of 5 (more likely 3 or 4) people. I once again find myself in a quandary but as far as time is concerned I believe that I will be in the US from November to February…this seems to be a nice time even though its cold- I haven’t ever seen snow before and it should be a highlight. I must apologize to all those people that offered me accommodation so openly…I will never forget their kindness and I’m sure in the future I will see them eventually.
I wonder if everyone who reads this will think that I’m crazy for writing to myself…it seems odd to many because it is almost as though I’m speaking to myself, this could be reference in my journal that I want to publish- its very personal and I believe that many will find it interesting to read an autobiography of such an informal nature. I mean its not like I’m writing as though I’m recording my life history…just my feelings and emotions.
Today my family suggested that I go to a psychologist, it’s possible that they are right…it wouldn’t be the first time either, this could very well be my third or fourth attempt at mental stability. However…I don’t think that I will ever be anything but a sociopath, it seems that those qualities are ones that I have inherited without flaw.
It seems that this entry contrasts my last one very much…maybe it’s because I told my father that I’m terminating my studies. Who knows but I feel different today…almost at ease in some ways. I don’t think it’s because I drank last night (this I only did because I couldn’t get to sleep)…its not that I’m resolved in anyway at all, but I suppose that for once my reserved and reclusive nature hasn’t got me into too much trouble with those close to me. Although today I was accused of attempting to control someone…I refuse to believe this, I don’t try to control…I just try to allow people to open their minds, of course this action is wrong and it has convinced me in some way that I should no longer talk to anyone for the rest of a long period in life…to try and avoid the possibility that I may hurt them.
People I care about are disappearing from my life…this is expected of course because it’s what people do to me. Do I make them disappear? I don’t think I do because for those I care for in such ways…I haven’t done anything to merit their desertion. My unnecessary sacrifice to others once again is made for a cause that doesn’t exist…for I exist for others and it could be possible that either what I have done has made them well enough to not need my company…or I have chased them away due to my nature. I don’t mind being used as a tool…I have been for as long as I can remember and I am used to being needed, this needing seems to be a purpose of mine. And now I ask: is it those people that need me? Or do I make them need me because I feel as though I have not accomplished anything?

J. Kanar

“I have no flaws in my personality…
for my entire personality is a flaw”

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