Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Chronicles of a Stranger: Suspended Chronology part 2
Time passes.

People get older…
I was looking through some old photo albums earlier and it’s odd to see how everyone I know has changed so much- me included. Black hair turns grey, the thin become fat, the young become old and the old become older…some even die.
Just seeing myself grow from the cute little kid I was so many years ago to the adult that I am today is odd. Adorable and sweet until the age of 5, possibly even later…then to the rebellious teenager of 6 years ago…now the maturing young adult of the new millennium.
I've changed quite a bit since the beginning.
I've gone from the carefree little youngster of my early days to the idealistic existentialist of today…but the child inside me hasn’t changed at all- only because I couldn’t have the childhood that I wanted inside but didn’t know what I really wanted back then. I refuse to put the blame on anyone and I choose to continue but I promise myself that if I ever have my own children- I will give them the best childhood that any father could give a child, I will always be there for them no matter what and I will always be there for my loved ones like the man in a family should be. But these are all just visions of a future…a future that I would one day like to give, the past that I never had.
The days have passed and I see how people grow old, my brother hasn’t changed very much- just the same immature little brat who just happens to be a genius and extremely talented at everything he does. People from my past have all but disappeared completely from my life…still existing as clear as day within my memory. My close family has only aged but still mostly remain foreign, those even closer have only distanced themselves because of the change they have undergone…all I ever wanted was for them to remain the same as my past child that wasn’t permitted to grow.
Influential figures…I have none but my mother- showing me the way I should be in my future when it comes to compassion…my father shows me what I should not become- a selfish, chauvinistic, unemotional bag of dreams and anger who knows nothing and does nothing unless it is for his own personal gain. Those I care for come and go but always remain fresh in my heart, past loves also remain as constant as ever but then again…they are just memories. More importantly is the now- I am in a state of mind that seems comfortable, I am proceeding to freedom, I am who I have always been and I embrace it with all of myself and I have a woman in my life who loves me…
None of this means that I am happy, and I can’t ignore my past for it is what has partially made me what I am today…I can recognize that I have a future and I can work towards it without a direction…the only way is forward but I walk now, there is no other time.
Regrets? There are a few but that wont change anything so I have nothing to do but learn from my past mistakes and proceed- there is nothing stopping me and I can clear all obstacles in my way…I am the master of myself and I know that I can make everything work as long as I do the best that I can…more than that I cannot do and this Ideal will bring me to what I most desire in life.
So today I walk away from everything that holds me back and continue on my journey as the wandering wanderer…

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