Saturday, April 28, 2007

   I SUCK
I know this might sound emo when I say this but, ever since Wendsday I have been feeling very depressed. But I havn't been taking my anti-depressant either for a week because it doesn't HELP. I tried cutting myself with a razor blade a couple nights ago. My teachers at my new school are starting to act all starnger-like and I feel un-safe around them. Usually I don't act like this, but I've been starting to feel this sort of... HEAVYNESS... I don't know who to explain it, but it feels like their giving the weight of the world. Or even the evilness and hate inside them. I can sense other people's depression in the other room. When their not in the room, I can feel what they're feeling and I know they're hurting.
I sometimes get scared. I see them in the room, but once they leave, I feel this sharp pain, or some kind of emabarassment inside me. And I sometimes feel as if I am being... watched.

I don't really know HOW to describe this feeling in words, but I wonder if it is a gift from God. I remember back when I didn't care if I believed in Christ/God just as long as I prayed. But now I know that it's not like that. And now I have more people out there who are just like me and understand me and accept me for who I am. They understand what it's like to be isolated and be in the dark to escape cold and harsh reality. They help me to understand that the others are wrong about me. They help me to know that I'm not alone in the world.

Thye also let me know that I can stay dark and believe in my God. They know, and I know, that Goth does not mean Satanic. No matter how much we stay alive within the shadows. We're not alone. Though most of the time, my wounds cry for the grave. I try to not let it be like that. They tell me that though we're covered in death, we yearn not for eternal rest, but rather we soar with boundless joy know that we have by savd by His blood. They want to heal me, they want to save me from the dark evilness trying to take away my life.
Here in the darkness I know myself.... But yet I know I am not afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of me. Just like all of the other kind like me....

Somehow... I hurt more than I feel... I know I am hurting all over on the inside. Heh... looking at the top of the page it says "Otaku Loves You". But why do I feel so unimportant. I am listening to "Give Unto Me" by Evanescence.
Amy is saying, "I want to save you from the dark. PLace unto me your hurting." People want to save me...?

But why won't thses wounds seem to heal...? Why do I want to stay in love with my sorrow?... Why? Why? Why I am I in love my with hurting, pain and torturing? And why do I dream of detah in the middle of the night?

Amy, I will give unto you my troubles! ((XD))....

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