Birthday • 1991-07-11 Gender •
Female Location • somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England Member Since • 2003-10-10 Occupation • Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator Real Name • Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
Personal
Achievements • Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH) Anime Fan Since • I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD Favorite Anime • Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition! Goals • to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression. Hobbies • reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world Talents •
myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
There's this show, right, and like, it's really ineresting.
Yeah like. It was this thing about humans and stuff and genetics and politics, and like, obviously, I'm inerested in all that stuff. This week, it was about the 90s, and like, before, it was about the 50s- 80s. It's like soo controversial! Comments (2) |
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Mothers' day was yeaterday
I forgot to mention it. Darn. I didn't really do anything for my mum, because we're poor and all, but I just helped out.
Also, my birthday's all the way on July 11th, but I need to plan to do something for my 16th. Any suggestions? I'm not going to be a bitch and be silly and extravagant because that's not who I am. Maybe a day trip to the seaside, or just go to a restaurant. I won't invite that many people because I am not friendly with them. 12 people perhaps out of 134 students excluding me. Girls can be bitchy I tell ya!
Nothing else to report. Comments (1) |
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I have to abandon you fellow otakus!
Yes. I have stinking drama to practise during lunch, so I shall not visit your sites! Sorry!
Correction! 'Tis tomorrow the practice! XD So I can visit all of your sites! Yay! Comments (2) |
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Saturday, March 17, 2007
Don't you think that this video is just so darn comical, it's not funny?! I saw it today, and was LMAO to say it politely (not that I don't talk like a pirate)
If so, you have some sick humour.
Numerous times have I been 'tested'
and my 'resilience' has seen to it that I survive.
The pride inside is too much.
Or shall I call it stubborness?
The willingness to go on and suffer
in sadistic pleasure overpowers that to escape hardship.
If you are testing me, I have not revised.
You never taught me in the first place.
Or is the Bible the textbook,
which I study when I please.
The test isn't becoming a surprise anymore.
I can see the the clues
and I am learning to work out the answers:
The onset of despair, fatigue and irritability-
more so than normal
Howdo you like that?
I am starting to study the past tests,
ignorant people are losing their effect.
I have learnt to accept what I cannot control;
I am releasing myself from the shackles causing
myself to be unable to touch others emotionally or physically.
A few years and it will not become a problem for me to decipher.
The answer will be clear, until you have something harder for me;
Like love.
-Amaris Comments (1) |
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Poem!
Yes. A poem I am going to add because I like to make them.
None of them ever seem to have names...
So here Amaris i.
Reluctantly writing her heart
for she feels it necessary
Necessary not to bump herself off
via pills or alcohol (despite those being all too tempting).
She has to deny herself the indulgence of hurting
herself, even if it's just another day staved off.
And again the cycle happens:
The self-hatred;
The suicidal thoughts;
The wanting to self-harm;
To dirty herself so much,
not even I recognise myself
as the poor defenceless girl.
But of course,
the dear gracious fun comes to aid
for but only this week,
until it turns dismal next week
where the cross but feels heavier
without the Sun shining upon the poor soul
"Chin up! Shoulders back! The world is beautiful
and illuminated because of me!" The Sun says
Or is it my imagination.
The urgence of self-denial
yet again, reveals its feeble head
The entity which demands to be a victim
at its own convenience.
And I obey in good time.
"Yes. Deny all that is good and bad, but moreso bad.
Do not take the road of those before you. Abstain."
I say as a mental mantra whilst holding it in.
The pain, the anguish, the despair
eat away at the thin body of Amaris.
"I am worthy. I do not eat. But it's me I defeat."
Defeatism and pessimism collide-
until Amaris does wish yesterday she died.
"But no, I do remain, and indeed abstain
"from all the big bad which I easily slip into."
She must be strong, though other say she is.
To have coped with this the first time this year.
"Three months no deep depression. Hurrah! Back in
"November/ Decmber last did it ensnare."
And now the Sun is to be gone,
and sleep but a dream,
of course these feelings are a con
inside the mind breaks another seam
and again the eyes do stream
as the seconds seem hours- so long.
At least I am marginally prepared,
Slept all last week to make sure I did not go in a spiral.
To spin in nausea and exhaustion,
where everyone is endeavouring my potent secret
and every sharp object glints.
The battle armour is on, and I am ready.
-Amaris
Heh heh. Comments (1) |
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'There's something wrong when something that is so love and trying to love can't be happy'
I really like that quote. Reminds me of myself. It's from 'Chobits'. I got the 5th volume from the library today. Also got 'Princess Ai'. I hope it's good.
Made a little excursion today. I bought shorts when I went out with my friend and sis yesterday, but the shorts were too big, so I had to give them back, as there were no smaller sizes. My brother went mad with a fan, and ripped up the receipt which was in my handbag, and my mum had to stick it together this morn. I gave it back though.
Went out in the treacherous skirt, and it wasn't windy. Went out ion my lovely waistcoat too. I so love my waistcoat! *strokes waistcoat*
I GOT DARK SOY SAUCE! My mum got light, and it just wasn't the same! *sulks* It's here though! It wasn't half hot out there though! Gosh! I was wearing my tights and the high hells, and me with my good old flat feet, felt crippled by the time I got to the library! I'm fine now. My mum and sis went out to meet my friend's sister, because she's going on a sleepover. Comments (0) |
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Friday, March 16, 2007
White on white!
I was just at the comp, going mad, and then I realised: I'm printing 'white ink' on white paper. I feel oh so stupid!
Also, for the chat box time, you need to type in it, and the time is by the message. Tell me if it's your time, or some other time ahead of yours, which is mine! Comments (4) |
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Darn you Mairin!
Yes. I shall be on earlier at home. Oh well, I need sleep. I'm so shattered! I'm like a freaking ghost!
I'm going to add a poem later, so comment!
Red nose day is on, so I may watch it tonight. I'm still waiting for my red pinafore from my mum. She went to the ballet today, so I'll pester her tomorrow! He! He! He!
Also, I think the depression is ebbing! This is the first time in ages it hasn't lasted so long! Comments (2) |
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Thursday, March 15, 2007
Trip!
Hello there. The trip was good. Listened to the 'Shaman King' theme tune from my friend's iPod.
Today's mood: depressed at the mo. I nearly broke-down yesterday, but I pulled up my socks, and carried on like it never got near. I have been letting the seams break a little on my 'emotion box'. People have been asking if I'm alright. I've been going through the normal motions of being depressed: self-hatred and self-blame, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harm. Just the norm. *Cackles*
Last night's spring concert was short and enjoyable. The trip today was fun, but there was an earthquake thing, and I remember going when I was 8, and it shook me like mad, but I was on it, and it hardly moved me! I didn't even lose my balance!
The little kids were *shivers* annoying. I would be sitting on the floor, drawing something, and the children would stare at me.
Also, I really am putting into place my target of being more affectionate towards people, as my heart is made of stone. My mum is encouraging me.
Thanks for all the visits. Tomorrow is the day where I visit peoples' sites, and I SHOULD be on 8pm my time tomorrow, so if you want to talk.... :O Comments (3) |
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White on white!