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myOtaku.com
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Birthday
• 1991-07-11
Gender
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Female
Location
• somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England
Member Since
• 2003-10-10
Occupation
• Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator
Real Name
• Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
Personal
Achievements
• Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH)
Anime Fan Since
• I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD
Favorite Anime
• Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition!
Goals
• to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression.
Hobbies
• reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world
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myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
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Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
Pages (238): [ First ][ Previous ] 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 [ Next ] [ Last ]
Saturday, February 17, 2007
My thing!
For those who have not seent the pic from the previous day, this is supposedly me by me...
AH YES, IT'S CHINESE NEW YEAR, SO I MAY GO UP TO CHINA TOWN IN LEICESTER SQUARE. IT'S SO LATE THIS YEAR, I FORGOT ABOUT IT! MY MUM SAID THAT IT'S A GOOD THING THAT IT'S NOT EARLIER, FOR IT ISN'T 'PISSING DOWN WITH RAIN'. IT'LL BE MY FIRST ONE IN OVER 6 YEARS! My grandma on my mum's side was half Chinese, half Jamaican.
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Friday, February 16, 2007
 Gosh~! I didn't even see my feet when I took the picture!
So this is my self-portrait. Not very like me though. Oh well! It's going towards my GCSEs and that's all that counts!
Try lugging this home and see if you're a happy bunny covered in sweat and the corners and curled from being dragged on the floor because it's about 4 inches shorter than you!
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I hate wasting lessons...
But here I am, wasting a lesson! I@ve got so much work to do! I've got my art. I need to make it more angular though. I cut my thumb when cutting the lino. You never know how much you move your left thumb until the skin is split!
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And once again my intellect fails me!
WEll, sorry if the darn post from the previous day made me sound a bit weird. Sorry all. Thanks for your concern. I'm fine now. I knew it was coming, so I'm good. I don't feel raw anymore. :)
I had a cry in me beause I'm so tired, and I cried, so I'm fine.
The person's username was antiworld, and his name was Robert. He was nice to me, and we had each other added as friends since Dec '05. We only started talking to each other in November or whatever, I don't remember. He was pm-ing me when I was on on Friday nights. I passed a comment to my sister about how he must like me or something for us to chat every Friday. Then my sister being a darling, went and asked him if he did, in which he replied 'I think about it all the time and I just don't know'. Then we started talking more, and then in the term holidays, it was quite an occurance, and lead right up 'til Monday lunchtime for me. He's six hours behind me in San Antonio, Texas, which always confused me when we were both on, as it was midday for me... anyway, he liked me, and I knew it, and we discussed it, saying how I don't know him that well, and I have my trust issues, and he does too. It was all madness which we were talking about. Nothing really heavy. He was fond of me, and kept telling me to keep my chin up, which was good, because I was thoroughly depressed. I've now, on my pm thing, saying it has a message from 14th, but it's not there because he has deleted his account. I just wonder what it says. It just feels like I am meant to blame myself, as that's always the way. I knew it would end soon, but not when. I don't really even feel bad. WE were both on the brink of trusting each other, and he leaves. Ah well. I have his myspace, and email... :I
Also, I have saved quite a bit of the pms he sent me ironically, because I wanted to at least have a memory of him. He's no longer on, so he has no rights! XD (This is what happens when you talk to a weird girl like Amaris and then piss off for no reason!)
I had a funny fealy all yesterday. See! I'm off black males! XD It's the third time now! They have no fucking staying power do they?! lol Just like my father! (Oh I@m so cruel)
An homage if you like; the message of the song reminds of all the people lost.
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Thursday, February 15, 2007
I think I'm heart-broken.
Trust the fucker to go and delete his account! Second time now! I@m mumbling to myself via typing. I need to remember the day for vengence reasons.... I'm getting sick and tired of people leaving me. Then people wonder why I don't trust... I hurt now. Oh God. I really hope I don't go mad! And now the fucker's saying I've got a pm from yesterday, and all the pms they sent me have disappeared. good thing I saved SOME. My eye's twitching in annoyance. Actually, I'm past annoyed. i'm pissed off- seriously!
If you want, you can pm me and ask me what's wrong, but hey, it's your prerogative.
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'I can't stay in bed lying with you all evening! Oop! That sounded a bit funny!'- My wonderful mum
So how was yesterday? Well, I haven't been visiting sites because I've got my maths coursework to do. I've been doing bits and bobs of that. All that I have to do is type it all up and do some calculations.
Been doing art self-portrait. the black indeed is a great contrast against the white! I need some red tissue paper and some more black to be painted and I'm done. I'll upload a picture of it tomorrow.
I've got family therapy and I hope that goes well on Monday. I'm starting to burn out, so thank God that I've got holidays all next week!
I had to email this to myself because they blocked MyO. This usually means I have a controversial pm or something! *giggles*
I'm so burning out as well! I've lost my lust to keep the same and be the Amaris you all know and love. I just want to give up so much, but I can't. :O I've got to push through, for I know I can do so much for the world (that's what I tell myself anyway.)
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 What I meant to say yesterday, but I didn't have the time...
Well, my English teacher was a right old laugh! I love when she takes a look at my arms. Basically, it goes back to last year. I naturally like to write about macabre things- self-harm, suicide etc. as like a sadistic dream I may never make a reality (unfortunately XD). My English teacher takes this very seriously, and she got concerned about me. My form teacher went and asked me on behalf of her. This got me even more depressed than I was then, and then the next day I had a lesson with her, and she couldn't even look at me in the eyes. I let things cool, and then asked her if we could have a talk, and she said at the end of the day, and she did, using lovely euphemisms in every which way she could, because she was so embarassed. All this time, I have my tubey things on because my eczema is going crazy from stress and sleep deprivation.
So now, in Feb, becuase that was October-ish, when she saw me and my mum, saying "Hello Amaris, hello Amaris' mum" in her Mancunian accent, she subtlely looked at my arms. I had taken off the tubey things that keep my arms moisturised because I lose blood circulation and I'm not at a table for it to irritate it when I move. It's so annoying!
She was saying how I go on the comp too much from when I used to talk to a 'friend' on the internet when I was talking about someone who influenced us. I was a 13 year-old girl who needed someone to save me, and he happened to be there, and I'm still alive. He may have been a pervert or a paedophile, but I am still alive, I have not commited suicide yet. I was an angry helpless 13 year old!
Anyway, she kept asking if anything was wrong etc. like she wanted to know if I do cut myself and stuff, or I get abused, but I have a very good relationship with my mum! She's too scared to ask, so I'm not telling! I think I may leave a note saying the situation or something, as when I talk to teachers, I never get my point across effectively enough.
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Parents' evening!
It was crap! My english teacher looked at my arms because of the tube things. I think she still thinks I self-harm, but won't tell/ ask me about it. XD
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Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Posty stuff
The tale of Visual Dialogues!!!
Well, I was back at Visual Dialogues last night. Ryan was funny- being as shy as ever. I saw Corinne which was good, as I haven't seen her for 3 weeks now. She's nice. There weren't many people, but it was a good session. I'm not an idea person, so I didn't say much.
I'm not posh, nor sound like a gay man!
A classmate of mine said how I'm posh! I'm not! I'm a pleb! It's not my fault if I went to a primary school full of middle-class brats?! I'm too expressive in my manner though.
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Art is back oncourse! Yup yup!
I've got my big arse self-portrait thing, and I've finished drawing it and now I have to mix white acrylic paint and pva glue together so I can make a texture on the paper. I'm bringing it home again today after parents' evening. The coursework may be crap, but the finished product will be ace!
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