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Birthday
• 1991-07-11
Gender
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Female
Location
• somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England
Member Since
• 2003-10-10
Occupation
• Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator
Real Name
• Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
Personal
Achievements
• Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH)
Anime Fan Since
• I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD
Favorite Anime
• Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition!
Goals
• to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression.
Hobbies
• reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world
Talents
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myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
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Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
Pages (238): [ First ][ Previous ] 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 [ Next ] [ Last ]
Thursday, February 8, 2007
IT'S SNOWING! AND NOW I HAVE WET SOCKS! :D
It's still snowing. IT has since 3 am this morn, and now it's 9:08. I saw it at 4 am and I was happy, but I didn't want to go out in it. I have Tate Forum tonight.
Thanks for the comments on the poem. Greatly appreciated! :O
It hurt, but it was fun making the poem. I haven't made any in a while.
My feet are soaking because I walk to school, and I couldn't get a bus because the northern line (underground system which I live on) was down. This makes it hard for my mum to get to work. She might not go. My brother may go home if the heating isn't working and loads of teachers aren't in.
If ANYONE throws a snowball at me, I may have to kill them because I have no gloves. :(
Nothing really happened last night. I had to pick up my brother from a friends home, and I wasn't sure which one it was, it was either 22 or 24, but I rung on the wrong door, and then I got the right one. My brother wouldn't talk to me, which was alright, but he didn't want to listen to me when I told him not to cross the road, which made me sulky.
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Wednesday, February 7, 2007
The poem I wanted to post!
Well, I'm on the comp at home, so I've decided to post the poem.
COMMENT!
Another poem made 4.1.07 (This is the English date by the way.)
‘Control’
And by popular demand I write this poem
Full of my faults,
For I am wrong, trying to figure out others’
Because I am a sad case.
I am holding myself together my own makeshift way;
To pretend I am not bursting at the hinges
With depression and despair.
Every verbal attack I give,
Every sneer
Every false judgement and bad thought,
I am sorry for.
Honest to God I am.
I’ve just been in a spot of trouble that deepened
Like a knife in the heart since I was 13.
When it was so bitterly hard to cry.
And now? I cry three times on a good month,
Because I accept and embrace it now;
Bring a sign- a smile on my face
Saying “I have childhood pain/ scars and love it!”
Because I do
If I wasn’t made to think myself worthless
By my promise-breaking father,
I would not be here or anywhere.
I would be an airhead black girl,
Wanting to fit in like all the rest,
I wouldn’t be so observant and think before I speak.
But I am susceptible to pain
Everyday I ache
Everyday I want to crumble,
But I have to make it through the pain,
I don’t want my mum to lose another daughter
I’ve got to do it for everyone I know
But most importantly- ME
Amaris with her bald patch at the back of her head.
Amaris who wants to hurt herself.
A girl who thinks she’s so grand, but can’t even tell
Her mother of her inner turmoil.
“I must suffer like an artist”
I say to solace my tears and the knife.
“I’ve got to be quiet about it. No one needs the hassle”
I tell myself, like the foolish girl I am.
I don’t want people to know how weak I am
Like the rest of the world filled with humans.
I want to be the proud girl who has NO self-worth.
“I am great, but I am worthless to everyone else.
“I am great, but a shit friend.”
At least I tell them the truth!
Not the lies of government propaganda, or even
the person next to you expresses
And I can’t eradicate this ‘fear’ of being found out
Unless I do the unspeakable-
“tell my family I want to disappear.
“to ruin the façade that I am confident and love
“this shitty body I inhabit.”
And no.
I have not cried yet
Upon writing this, I smile sentimentally-
Of the days when I was young and didn’t understand the terror in my heart;
The bullying; the broken promises, deprecation and lies from my father;
The hatred I held; the dreams which remained dreams.
I am a different person now.
I am stillhealing from the 6 years of pain and dejection.
I was to cry tonight because my father asked if he could start
AGAIN.
“Start again with me?
“AGAIN with the lies; the broken promises;
“The pointless attempts to bond with the daughter you marred with your seething words;
“The verbal attacks when you got drunk like last year- like you did again and again over the years, where I was not allowed to say anything, in case I undermined you, because I was the child, and still am, and therefore you had ‘control’ for once. You could dictate what happened because you’re the youngest out of 7 children and you hated it. You did this to your second oldest daughter for 6 years; from 6-12. You said I was worthless and you criticised me in everyway you could. I was made to cope with that pain because you hate yourself. You have made me an emotionally crippled monster.”
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?
“If not, that’s what you always told me, so it must be true, father.”
“And you do something unforgivable.
“Not just to me.
“You steal from my poor mother (who alone is burdened with the three children you helped make)
“AGAIN and AGAIN”
Such a beautiful word ‘again’.
You learn by doing things AGAIN.
But he carries on hurting me AGAIN and AGAIN.
Has he not learnt?
In all his 43 years, has he not learnt?
And now I am crying.
That fragile girl called Amaris
Who makes such an attempt to make friends
But fails.
AGAIN and AGAIN .
Until she gives up in her mind.
“I bow down to you depression. Do what you will with my mind!”
I smile like I should at a joke.
Whilst I substitute a knife for a pen
“The pen can’t breech the skin.”
And people still expect that I have a boyfriend.
How can I if I’m so fucked up?
I can’t even love myself?
Why should someone else help me,
When I have nothing to offer?
Amaris who can’t even switch off her mind!
She just finds faults in the world
And the one wish she ever so wants:
“to free people from the shackles of ignorance
“whether they like it or not.
“There is not time to reason this out with philosophers!
“Action is what we need!
“Just wait until I’ve finished my GCSEs and A-levels
“and university if possible first.”
This is not doable in her mind. It is but a dream.
Does she speak sense?
At the moment she thinks not.
But she is in a haze of tears and the past.
Where she was wronged so many times
And she wants to just die.
Or not.
“I’m over that ‘little phase’ now. Cutting the inside
“of the thigh is the way to go!”
Poor Amaris.
Going to a cruel girls’ school filled with the ignorants
Of the fellow racial background headed under
“BLACK BRITISH”
And the eczema.
“I do but roll my eyes.”
Something that comes and goes more times
Than the tides of the sea
Is now here to stay.
It seeps, it crusts and causes pain.
The eczema which is on the back of my knees;
Inside the legs where the knees are;
On the knee;
The top and inside elbow
And lest we forget,
The right eyelid and ear lobes.
This plague is here to stay and make me look like a snake.
Something which reacts negatively to sleep deprivation,
And therefore causes and EXACERBATES the situation.
And isn’t this poem a large complaint?
“Oh don’t tell them that! It’s my chance!
“Many haven’t even read it- skimmed over it for the ‘MOST’ part.”
Oh, Amaris, you always play the victim.
“At least you know my pain, I do not pretend it
“doesn’t exist. I don’t make anyone listen or read this!
“I just want to live in an ‘unbroken home’!”
Oh Amaris.
Shut up.
Well, I’m finished with the poem. Hopefully you did not find it too long. At least my poems usually have a happy ending! :D Hopefully my life will. You don’t HAVE to comment about the bit with my childhood, but I would appreciate it if you did. :P
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A challenge and a sad film
Well, the first one:
The play has been decided, and I am taking the role of a ghetto girl. The challenge: to speak like a ghetto girl! The hardest thing I think is that because I speak in a rather posh accent and I don't really know any 'rough' people. I was practising to keep the accent as well! I have to practice speaking like my sister now! XD I only have 4 weeks until the performance as well.
The sad film I watched last week was called 'Vinegar hill' and it brought back some rather unhappy memories which I try so hard to bury as a child. It had elements of domestic violence and parents arguing and the father getting drunk. How nice for me to remember for myself! So the rest of the evening I was drained emotionally, trying my best not to remember it, and that ruined my evening because I didn't want to do anything. :( My mum asked, "Where'd the lovely Amaris which I had yesterday go?" of which I didn't say anything back because I was a mute. I did no homework in the end, but I slept well.
The film itself was very good, and the husband's father was a bastard for beating him and stuff. I do recommend it! :)
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Tuesday, February 6, 2007
I don't trust susbstitute teachers! *frowns*
There was this substitute teacher in English, and he spent the whole lesson telling us about his life and school in America and all that jazz. What scared me, was the fact that someone asked if he was from Philadelphia, of which he said yes. I had no clue! XD Anyway, he was saying how he moved here to live with his wife and he used to be a teacher for 17 years in America, and saying how the school is really noce and the people are polite, of which I scoffed at. Anyway, he was showing us his album which he released in the States and we did Jack Shit. I was happy about that because I was running about during break and I was on the comp at lunch, and in the morning for registration, there was assembly, so I could talk to people! I hadn't seen them for over a week man! I'm so bad! And I am wondering why I am failing!
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 Amaris the Catholic girl has arrived!
My mum has been saying how since I was sick last week, I have been very kind. Also, I have been calmer and volunteering to do stuff, and not asking for money, not that I ever do, and if so, then for about 6 pence or something silly like that.
Is this good or bad though? lol
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A tad bit of porn, and I'm totally off sex! XD
Jeez! My mum was going through the music on the computer on Windows Media Player, and she was cruising along, and she found a video file, so she wondered what it was, and clicked on it. I didn't recognise the file either.
Then! Yes. Intercourse, and it's from the view of the head looking down. To say the least, the mum was appauled, and I hid behind my mum from the terror of it all! I'm glad my dad's not around! XD
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Monday, February 5, 2007
Not doing anything all week has serious repercussions!
Well, I'm back at school, and most people noticed. That was nice to be recognised.
On Sunday though, when I went out, my back was KILLING ME! Jeez! I got back pains, and my mum said how when she sometimes spends all week inside because of the lack of physical exercise, her back hurts. I'm so glad I'm out and about now! :D
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I did well in the play!
Some bits weren't as planned, but it was fine. Try no dress, and having a dress smaller than you on the bust (tits) and wearing a waistcoat which has no button on the bust, and using a safety pin to hold it together and not show off your bra!
Also, there were year 7s watching it, and seeing their faces and loving it made me enjoy it more. No heckling! Oh sweet joy!
This computer room is so stuffy and loud. I really wish that mobile phones did not have speakers.
Nothing to really report, but I'm so depressed in the rigmoral of school and comflict! I'll have my reward in heaven though!
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Saturday, February 3, 2007
My Saturdays are now complete!
My much loved show 'See hear' is back on. It's on at 12-12:45 in the mornings, and I love to be aware of the deaf community and find out what they're doing with themselves. It sounds kind of cheesy though. A 15 yr old hearing girl wanting to know about deaf people. :O
Also, 'The Culture show' is on. It's normally high brow stuff, but ever since it cam back on in October, it's upper working class stuff, which is disappointing, and it's in a fecking bar that the presenter with her irritating Geordie accent harbours hatred in my soul. When she interviews people, I have to have it on mute and have subtitles, she has ruined it that much. Also, with the target audience now changed, last week's show had fecking Leonardo de Caprio in question. This annoyed me, as he was the only 'star' on it, and they didn't talk about anything interesting at all! The thing about pornography slipping into the mainstream was interesting, but that was it! Darn BBC!
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 Not at my best in the realms of morale.
My brother and sister are taking a crack at me again. It's really demoralising. :( I've been with my mum in her room, so I am out of their clutches. They were watching 'Naruto' eps 130 something.
Haven't done anything. There was Visual dialogues, but I couldn't be bothered to get out of my bed at 8 am again. :(
Hopefully they can cope without me even with Hadeena wanting a child with no arms or legs watching the tele and laughing and smiling and inviting the audience to watch! XD For an 18 year old, she's thick! No. Actually I mean ignorant. :P
My mum is going out tonight, so Im going to have to disappear in the evening so I don't get picked on. It's hard when your brother gets bored! There's another tele and I've got 'homework to do' i.e. writing poems and stuff.
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