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myOtaku.com
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Birthday
• 1991-07-11
Gender
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Female
Location
• somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England
Member Since
• 2003-10-10
Occupation
• Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator
Real Name
• Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
Personal
Achievements
• Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH)
Anime Fan Since
• I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD
Favorite Anime
• Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition!
Goals
• to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression.
Hobbies
• reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world
Talents
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myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
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Welcome to my site archives. 10 posts are listed per page.
Pages (238): [ First ][ Previous ] 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 [ Next ] [ Last ]
Friday, November 10, 2006
It's me against the world again. At least it ends today.
I love the fact that I can wear my own clothes, but at the same time, it's the black people criticising me for wearing formal bordering on preppy clothing. I feel most confident and 'professional' at these times, so I hate when people look at me. They always say things like "Have you got a dress sense" or "what's wrong with her?" as I pass. I don't say anything, because I don't want a fight, just because they think I should wear hoodies and tracksuits.
Thankyou for the two comments on my poems. Greatly appreciated. Only two though. Pretty disappointed, but I know that whenever 'tender' and 'personal' things are posted by me, I always have the maximum of 4 comments if that. Ah well.
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Thursday, November 9, 2006
Something silly I made up
9.11.06
And I hasten to ‘glamorise’ such a taboo and sin
Of which you mar- to scrape the skin
With dancing and jewels and fire by night
Is the act- truly a delight
Where you materialise the pain
My insides the tunnel, the knife the train
A knife so sharp, myself it enters
I do not need help or a mentor
I need satisfaction and control
As the blood drips, my head does loll; happy and silent, I focus as I bleed
And this is my current creed.
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You like it? Please keep in mind these are MY feelings! XD
Yeah man! Plod on! In the only room in which I seek sanctuary
To write things saucy, grotesque and cruel.
My insides pour out, with the imagination of death, disease and debauchery.
My sins are here. Inside they hide away from God I do decide.
I am scared and disagree I can survive this.
After all, I always forget Him when it happens.
I want no one to touch me,
And everyone to hold me.
The little girl that it Amaris.
Her bones are fragile and ego thin
And of course wants to rip the skin.
To show she feels pain like everyone else.
She has excema which is even worse.
She is passive and all lines disbarred
Because she has everything to discard.
Self-harm is bad,
And excema worse.
It would be so bad, I’d need a nurse
To write all my shit of lies and sin
Which my father knows like the din
Inside my head, it eats me up
Until I can’t take it anymore
And have to write it down in silence
“Be seen and not heard” I would quote
In poor silence Amaris sits,
Like trying to decipher an age old myth
And the secret shall be found out only in the noise
Of pen scribbling and breathing
The loops that let the feeling slide
Right out like blood or pen ink- I decide
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Amaris doesn't understand...
People in guestbook entries say 'keep up the good work' about peoples' sites.
Now, I doubt they would have said that 2 years ago, when the colours were the same, but just a tad more hideous!
Hmm... just a thought.
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 My poem. JUST COMMENT IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO POINT OUT, OR IF I COULD IMPROVE.
This poem is pretty random, and does not have a title. Enjoy! (I'm talking to myself by the way. In the poem.)
Made on 5th November
And I sit here on the toilet,
my heart nearly gone,
feeling so numb
and at the same time
PAIN
The tears come out, stricken,
happy to leave the burdened body
And my words but come out so bitterly,
when Amaris doesn't even mean ill!
She can be whole-heartedly honest
AND STILL
her words are but speared, cemented daggers!
Oh sorrow does she but feel.
The days of despair do not end
And of course when 'I am better',
I shall look at these words and go
"Cor! I was really on the edge, eh?"
'Tis true, 'tis true.
The scissors but seem alluring,
the glint beckoning me,
to apply the blade to my skin.
And thou dost ask:
Will it ever end?
For thou dost have an important year,
of pain and anguish and angst and work
so thou would not be disturbed
by this over-the-top wave of despair
and to hold a hot knife by candlelight
and the painkillers sit beside me as
I say “I love thee, indeed I do” as thou
dost heat the arm
and cause the red liquid to be spilt
upon the little jar I keep
for the memento of the journey
in mind as well as physically
to harm like an emo
Obviously
I am queen of all
things ugly and grotesque
and as I do a pirouette
whilst the blood
streams down my arm
and stains my dress.
I smile with glee.
The deed is done.
Until tomorrow
Where my father comes
And deeper and harder
I cut and bleed
Right until it hits the bone
For Amaris to die in ecstasy, yes
With thy hot blade in hand
I do not protest
For I am happy as you can all guess
And God, with thiS, did He me bless.
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Wednesday, November 8, 2006
 So, now I am at school, heloing my music teacher!
This morn has been alright. My music teacher is evil, and has a sense of dark humour, and I get along with her, me being a choir member, so that's cool.
Nothing else to report. All the girls at school are looking at me weird, and wearing thin sheer tight is weird.
I'm looking forward to telling Deborah this anyway!
Oh! I have my poems, so I'll add them at lunchtime.
I just looked up IMAF, a manga and anime festival here in London, and it seems that there aren't showing animes! This is good, but this is bad: 1. I won't be missing any, because it's 10th-14th 2. There aren't any new animes for me to see.
Oh well. 'Tis life and all of its magnificance.
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Tuesday, November 7, 2006
Sorry I can't visit sites. Got homework to do.
I only have 30 mins, and as that is pretty much up, I can't visit ANY of your sites. At least I'm not discriminating against people!
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 Nice to knwo that I can manage to lose my work experience job.
This has fucking well pissed me off!
I have no job now! At least I don't have to commute! I think myself lucky in that respect!
Guess what the reason was?!
I only found out it was because of my enthusiasm because my mum was told by fucking teacher via phone!
I had a hunch somehow though! *Starts laughing maniacally*
Anyway, obviously I cried! I can't even hold a job for crying out loud, but I waited until I got home to cry.
My mum was at work, so I had to call her, and she was rather annoyed.
Mr. fucking Fitzsimmons made me talk to him, so I had to go to school. Tara, the bitch who fired me, was all like "are you going to be alright getting home?" I'm not confrontational as you may or may not know- hence the reason to why I complain so much, but I thought 'Yeah! I may not have been fucking well enthusiastic, but did I not do the fucking job nonetheless, and do it efficiently!?'
I so feel like shit.
I obviously wasn't all enthusiastic because of my mood as well as I'm not getting paid; it's a waste of my time; I'm doing jobs that others didn't want to do; I felt depressed and the environment wasn't the most welcoming to a newbie who doesn't know anything about office work.
Jo was nice though. Jasmine was a pain in the arse! You think I can complain? Nothing compared to that 28 year-old woman who had nothing to do, and was more secondary school-like than moi.
I can bitch about the place and bring it into disrepute because I don't 'work' there anymore, even though most of the time sitting there doing nothing.
The most HORRIBLE THING TARA SAID WAS: "Every half hour Jo spends with you, is costing the company."
Now, 1. They DID NOT HAVE TO 'hire' me.
2. Jo spends 2 minutes IF THAT telling me what to do, and then I do that job for the next hour or 2.
3. It's not HER company.
4. I didn't have to be her assistant's assistant did I?
Anyway, I'll bitch more when I can get to a comp.
Mr. Fitzsimmons is saying some shit about how I have to do some fucking work. My mum wanted me to stay at home, so I could do work.
I hate talking to that man. When I got home, I called my mum, in which I was crying and then 'Sir' called. He said he wanted to talk to me, of which I knew when Tara had called him whilst I was at work, and had to witness it. This defilement.
He said I should meet him at 12. The fucker made me wait 15 minutes because he 'was in a lesson'. *blinks twice, trying not to destroy anything*
He talked to me, calling me 'Amari'. That pissed me off because he doesn't know me.
Another thing: Tara said I had to convince her that I should stay at work. No offence, but why should I HAVE A REASONING FOR WANTING TO KEEP THE THANKLESS JOB? Why? No thank yous after I did the task, getting paper particles at work.
I should give that woman a piece of my mind. But I shan't. For I shall thank God that I dodn't have to see that woman ever again, because she just seemed stressed, and all along I felt I wasn't wanted (I'm very used to it, and know the meanings, but all the same!). I just didn't feel it was appropriate to type that within the walls of the office. I'm at hoome anyway.
Rejection yet again I must say.
This is the end of my post.
I so hate this life.
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Monday, November 6, 2006
I should go and buy the boxset of NGE, but I have no money.
I know the price: £124, btu do I ahve the monnay?! No. Ah well. Watching NGE AMVs on Youtube because there's nothing else to do.
I didn't see the eps where Asuka become inadequate. I think it'd be nice to see, not being a person who likes to see others in pain (just myself :P).
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Ooo! Ooooo! *frantickly uses the scroll to scroll up to add a post* (It takes ages! And there are usualy only about 10 people who have updated out of my good 600 or so friends!)
I have forgotten now! Ohhhhhhhh! My poems!
Oh yeah!
I was all like 'DArn Amaris! You've got to go and write some humorous poems, so when you're famous, you can sell the originals for a mint!
They are quite funny, but I didn't bring them into work, for obvious reasons- I don't want them catching the right end of the stick, but also, it'd get crushed in my shoulderbag. yes I hate the inaneness of the bag- it shows off all of its contents!
I should do some interpretive dance tonight. The randomness in it is cool. I haven't got my will to do anything- to even visit anyones' sites. Sorry. But atleast you'll know I'm alive by my posts.
If you are concerned for me, feel free to try and get me out of this emotional slum and not kill myself! Bring it on! :P (My words have more effect than I intend as ever.)
6208 visits! Thank you all! I@m not a loser who is unpopular after all! :P
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