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Birthday
• 1991-07-11
Gender
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Female
Location
• somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England
Member Since
• 2003-10-10
Occupation
• Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator
Real Name
• Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
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Achievements
• Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH)
Anime Fan Since
• I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD
Favorite Anime
• Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition!
Goals
• to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression.
Hobbies
• reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world
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myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
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Wednesday, February 7, 2007
The poem I wanted to post!
Well, I'm on the comp at home, so I've decided to post the poem.
COMMENT!
Another poem made 4.1.07 (This is the English date by the way.)
‘Control’
And by popular demand I write this poem
Full of my faults,
For I am wrong, trying to figure out others’
Because I am a sad case.
I am holding myself together my own makeshift way;
To pretend I am not bursting at the hinges
With depression and despair.
Every verbal attack I give,
Every sneer
Every false judgement and bad thought,
I am sorry for.
Honest to God I am.
I’ve just been in a spot of trouble that deepened
Like a knife in the heart since I was 13.
When it was so bitterly hard to cry.
And now? I cry three times on a good month,
Because I accept and embrace it now;
Bring a sign- a smile on my face
Saying “I have childhood pain/ scars and love it!”
Because I do
If I wasn’t made to think myself worthless
By my promise-breaking father,
I would not be here or anywhere.
I would be an airhead black girl,
Wanting to fit in like all the rest,
I wouldn’t be so observant and think before I speak.
But I am susceptible to pain
Everyday I ache
Everyday I want to crumble,
But I have to make it through the pain,
I don’t want my mum to lose another daughter
I’ve got to do it for everyone I know
But most importantly- ME
Amaris with her bald patch at the back of her head.
Amaris who wants to hurt herself.
A girl who thinks she’s so grand, but can’t even tell
Her mother of her inner turmoil.
“I must suffer like an artist”
I say to solace my tears and the knife.
“I’ve got to be quiet about it. No one needs the hassle”
I tell myself, like the foolish girl I am.
I don’t want people to know how weak I am
Like the rest of the world filled with humans.
I want to be the proud girl who has NO self-worth.
“I am great, but I am worthless to everyone else.
“I am great, but a shit friend.”
At least I tell them the truth!
Not the lies of government propaganda, or even
the person next to you expresses
And I can’t eradicate this ‘fear’ of being found out
Unless I do the unspeakable-
“tell my family I want to disappear.
“to ruin the façade that I am confident and love
“this shitty body I inhabit.”
And no.
I have not cried yet
Upon writing this, I smile sentimentally-
Of the days when I was young and didn’t understand the terror in my heart;
The bullying; the broken promises, deprecation and lies from my father;
The hatred I held; the dreams which remained dreams.
I am a different person now.
I am stillhealing from the 6 years of pain and dejection.
I was to cry tonight because my father asked if he could start
AGAIN.
“Start again with me?
“AGAIN with the lies; the broken promises;
“The pointless attempts to bond with the daughter you marred with your seething words;
“The verbal attacks when you got drunk like last year- like you did again and again over the years, where I was not allowed to say anything, in case I undermined you, because I was the child, and still am, and therefore you had ‘control’ for once. You could dictate what happened because you’re the youngest out of 7 children and you hated it. You did this to your second oldest daughter for 6 years; from 6-12. You said I was worthless and you criticised me in everyway you could. I was made to cope with that pain because you hate yourself. You have made me an emotionally crippled monster.”
“It’s my fault, isn’t it?
“If not, that’s what you always told me, so it must be true, father.”
“And you do something unforgivable.
“Not just to me.
“You steal from my poor mother (who alone is burdened with the three children you helped make)
“AGAIN and AGAIN”
Such a beautiful word ‘again’.
You learn by doing things AGAIN.
But he carries on hurting me AGAIN and AGAIN.
Has he not learnt?
In all his 43 years, has he not learnt?
And now I am crying.
That fragile girl called Amaris
Who makes such an attempt to make friends
But fails.
AGAIN and AGAIN .
Until she gives up in her mind.
“I bow down to you depression. Do what you will with my mind!”
I smile like I should at a joke.
Whilst I substitute a knife for a pen
“The pen can’t breech the skin.”
And people still expect that I have a boyfriend.
How can I if I’m so fucked up?
I can’t even love myself?
Why should someone else help me,
When I have nothing to offer?
Amaris who can’t even switch off her mind!
She just finds faults in the world
And the one wish she ever so wants:
“to free people from the shackles of ignorance
“whether they like it or not.
“There is not time to reason this out with philosophers!
“Action is what we need!
“Just wait until I’ve finished my GCSEs and A-levels
“and university if possible first.”
This is not doable in her mind. It is but a dream.
Does she speak sense?
At the moment she thinks not.
But she is in a haze of tears and the past.
Where she was wronged so many times
And she wants to just die.
Or not.
“I’m over that ‘little phase’ now. Cutting the inside
“of the thigh is the way to go!”
Poor Amaris.
Going to a cruel girls’ school filled with the ignorants
Of the fellow racial background headed under
“BLACK BRITISH”
And the eczema.
“I do but roll my eyes.”
Something that comes and goes more times
Than the tides of the sea
Is now here to stay.
It seeps, it crusts and causes pain.
The eczema which is on the back of my knees;
Inside the legs where the knees are;
On the knee;
The top and inside elbow
And lest we forget,
The right eyelid and ear lobes.
This plague is here to stay and make me look like a snake.
Something which reacts negatively to sleep deprivation,
And therefore causes and EXACERBATES the situation.
And isn’t this poem a large complaint?
“Oh don’t tell them that! It’s my chance!
“Many haven’t even read it- skimmed over it for the ‘MOST’ part.”
Oh, Amaris, you always play the victim.
“At least you know my pain, I do not pretend it
“doesn’t exist. I don’t make anyone listen or read this!
“I just want to live in an ‘unbroken home’!”
Oh Amaris.
Shut up.
Well, I’m finished with the poem. Hopefully you did not find it too long. At least my poems usually have a happy ending! :D Hopefully my life will. You don’t HAVE to comment about the bit with my childhood, but I would appreciate it if you did. :P
Comments
(3)
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