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Birthday
• 1991-07-11
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Female
Location
• somewhere where you don't know, actually London in England
Member Since
• 2003-10-10
Occupation
• Sixth Form student, fan girl, writer and struggling artist/ creator
Real Name
• Amaris Hope you like the name because it is really so!
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Achievements
• Not killing the people in my school YET, or the world; being able to push people away; being socially isolated; let my grades go down because I'm lazy and an idiot; read all the books in my library, get my english teacher to think I self-harm (DSH)
Anime Fan Since
• I was 7, Yr 3, 1998 or so. The first anime was the infamous 'Sailor Moon'! XD
Favorite Anime
• Most of them except Ultimate Muscle because it is soo ruubiishh-o! I Love 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'! Shinji is such a passive-aggressive boy, and he hates himself so! I can relate, because I hate myself. I hate everyone else in the world!Human condition!
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• to actually finish a story!;To not die before 40, to get a good job which I enjoy- IMPOSSIBLE!; To find someone I love; to not end up killing myself because I suffer from depression.
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• reading, writing (all-sorts) and watching tv, getting annoyed, typing, blaming myself; being TOO perceptive; seeing all the faults of the world; telling people off if they are wrong; trying to decipher the world
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myOtaku.com: Outlaw Melfina
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Saturday, March 17, 2007
Poem!
Yes. A poem I am going to add because I like to make them.
None of them ever seem to have names...
So here Amaris i.
Reluctantly writing her heart
for she feels it necessary
Necessary not to bump herself off
via pills or alcohol (despite those being all too tempting).
She has to deny herself the indulgence of hurting
herself, even if it's just another day staved off.
And again the cycle happens:
The self-hatred;
The suicidal thoughts;
The wanting to self-harm;
To dirty herself so much,
not even I recognise myself
as the poor defenceless girl.
But of course,
the dear gracious fun comes to aid
for but only this week,
until it turns dismal next week
where the cross but feels heavier
without the Sun shining upon the poor soul
"Chin up! Shoulders back! The world is beautiful
and illuminated because of me!" The Sun says
Or is it my imagination.
The urgence of self-denial
yet again, reveals its feeble head
The entity which demands to be a victim
at its own convenience.
And I obey in good time.
"Yes. Deny all that is good and bad, but moreso bad.
Do not take the road of those before you. Abstain."
I say as a mental mantra whilst holding it in.
The pain, the anguish, the despair
eat away at the thin body of Amaris.
"I am worthy. I do not eat. But it's me I defeat."
Defeatism and pessimism collide-
until Amaris does wish yesterday she died.
"But no, I do remain, and indeed abstain
"from all the big bad which I easily slip into."
She must be strong, though other say she is.
To have coped with this the first time this year.
"Three months no deep depression. Hurrah! Back in
"November/ Decmber last did it ensnare."
And now the Sun is to be gone,
and sleep but a dream,
of course these feelings are a con
inside the mind breaks another seam
and again the eyes do stream
as the seconds seem hours- so long.
At least I am marginally prepared,
Slept all last week to make sure I did not go in a spiral.
To spin in nausea and exhaustion,
where everyone is endeavouring my potent secret
and every sharp object glints.
The battle armour is on, and I am ready.
-Amaris
Heh heh.
Comments
(1)
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