Thursday, May 18, 2006

Drastic game again...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Dear sweet lord. I have that Carrie Underwood song stuck in my head. Jesus Take the Wheel. Dear mother of Buddha. I feel unclean for even thinking the song. I have GOT to stop watching American Idol. Especially since Chris got voted out. *sob* Well, since there's no chance of me giving up that vice... GO TAYLOR! Sorry for not posting yesterday. My mother. Yeah. Need I say more? She wouldn't let me get on and I just about cried. Then I'm all, "You'll be sorry, mom! One day I won't be here and you'll be sorry!" Her response? Not letting me get on for the rest of the night. Damn. XD... that woman knows me all too well. Ew... we had to run the mile today in P.E. For the record, running and me don't go well together. I pretty much collapsed at the finish line. I felt like--forgive me god and Tohma-- Risa Harada. Surprisingly, I got a C-. That's more than I can say about a lot of my classes lately... I'm a really sucky smart kid. In fact, today in Spanish our group took a vote and declared me the stupidest smart kid in the school. Heck yeah. Guess what I'm eating right now? Chocolate chip cookies, Mountain Dew, leftover sweet & sour pork, and an avocado. That's one heck of a combo, eh? I've been feeling really odd lately... I don't get why. I've got absolutely nothing to be unhappy about, but there's this sort of nagging in the back of my brain that I can't seem to shake... a sort of empty feeling. I don't know why I feel this way... it's like my mind's searching for something to make me unhappy, to hurt me. Can you say masochism...? Tohma, the dreams... ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Some things are better left unspoken. XD

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

My apologies for this late post, but I didn't have a choice. First I went to the counselor. That was interesting. For once I didn't come in there in a pissy mood, and she was really weirded out. I pretty much said nothing the whole session except for "yes," "no," "I don't know," and my personal favorite, "mmnmhmnngh." Then we went to JC Penney. To buy a dress. -_- because the night of the spelling bee of national doom. And stuff. Yeah (for that is my official title for it now), there's this formal banquet and I have to wear a dress. I went in there all like "not a snowball's chance in Hades that woman's getting me in a dress," and I left all angry because I couldn't decide which one I liked better! Honestly, I was actually enjoying it. Except for the indecisive part. I was totally torn between this brown one with a short bouncy skirt attached, and a longer red one that's all bunched up. I went with the red one cause I hate my legs. I really wish you guys could see it... I'll have to take pictures. Oh! At JC Penney they had this shirt that looks EXACTLY like the one Ryuichi Sakuma wears onstage in Gravitation, the white frilly one! I wanted it so bad! I was basically begging my mom, which is something coming from me, lady passiveness. My mom wouldn't let me get it though... I was so sad. Heh, today in Spanish class was pretty funny. Next to me in class sits Ben, or as I like to call him, He Who Continually Gets Second Place To Me. And everyone in class always go, "ooh, Bonnie, you should go out with Ben!" Normally, I respond with "...ew. You're joking right? Just... ew. Gross." But today, I just smiled and said, "Sorry. I'm already taken." Dead... silence. Then the laughter began. I laughed along. I mean, you gotta be STUPID to have a thing for me. Yes, Tohma. You're stupid. Verrry stupid. As for the whole "cute" thing... well, if I were you, I wouldn't watch the spelling bee of national doom. And stuff. Yeah. Because your impression of "cute" would probably cease to exist. "Cute" just doesn't apply to me.... And why do I love you? Because you care. Because you helped me sort out a lot of stuff. Because you could always make me laugh. And, of course, the dreams didn't work against you either. ^^; Guys, do yourselves a favor and never fall in love. In the past 4 days I've lost 5 pounds. I can't sleep. My grades are crashing. I'm totally not paying attention to anything anymore. I probably walked into 7 different people today. I wouldn't have it any other way, of course, but do as I say, not as I do (anyone else thinking Green Day?). You'll only slowly drive yourself insane. Something to ponder on: Ever noticed that the word "original" has two opposite meanings? It can mean the first, and it can also mean something new and unique. I don't get it....

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Monday, May 15, 2006

umarekawareru anata yo hitori hohoemanaide hitomi o irodoru...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Today's really random quote: "That's... no... parabola. o_O" Oh my god oh my god... ohmygod... I've been totally bouncing off the walls waiting until I'd get to finally tell you guys this ever since I found out... in less than two weeks we fly to Washington, and, and... guess where our flight connects? Guess! Are you guessing? No? Well I'll wait until you have a guess. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... OK, are you ready? It's in... it's in... IT'S IN CHICAGO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH MY GOOOOOOOOD! This is totally fate... this kinda stuff doesn't happen by coincidence. For those of you not knowing, Chicago's Tohma's home city... (and I'm sure half of you are tired of hearing 'Tohma! Tohma!' all day long, and I apologize) I'm just gonna explode with anticipation. I mean, who cares about some lame spelling bee when I'm going to be within a twenty mile radius of her... maybe I'll ditch my mom at the airport and run away. Nah. She'd probably kill herself, and we certainly don't want that, do we? *rolls eyes* You guys are certainly all scratching your heads going, "so you're gonna be in the Chicago airport. So what?" Well, I don't really know... but just knowing how close I'm gonna be to her... it's really powerful stuff to me. I really thought a lot last night... which of course means I got no sleep, but that's neither here nor there. But anyway, I really realized that I don't need to be the best anymore. It really doesn't matter. I don't need to be number one to be happy. There are several paths to happiness, and I feel honored, proud, and lucky to say that I've found one of them. You could offer me any trophy, any title, any position, and I would never in a million years exchange it for what I have right now. Having someone who loves you... that's far more precious than anything in the world in my book. It's funny, really... I always lived my life as a martyr, as someone to be pitied. Things never worked in my favor. I never had any faith because I felt as if I'd been dealt a crappy hand. It was hard for me to just put one foot in front of another day after day. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that all these bad experiences, all this pain, led me to where I am now, and I feel like the luckiest person in the world. It was a difficult road, but it all worked out in the end. The whole "everything happens for a reason" cliche really proved itself true, though I was skeptical at first. It's so great... it's like I'm finally being rewarded for withstanding it all. Like I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe my footsteps have been guided all along. I never thought I, of all people, would be staring face-to-face with a happy ending, but here I am. I still have a hard time believing it, as though there's a catch somewhere. But there's not. It's just pure, unconditional happiness. I'm just so... *sigh* Something to ponder on: How come the Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials have the song Sweet Home Alabama playing in the background? o_O

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Welcome to my romance....

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

My Tohma hasn't updated today... I feel so lonely. *sigh* And obsessed. Yes, very obsessed. I'm a posessive person... my preciousssss... XD Meh. I'm all hated today. So we think Sierra's house exploded because her phone's been not in service for the past forever. So Victoria comes over and stays the night and goes to the lake with us today... fine, right? Well, not really. It was kinda awkward. Because... to tell the truth, I used to have a nice ol' crush on her. We would always flirt around and stuff. Therefore, being around her today was trés uncomfortable. I was totally blowing her off... and like ninety times she was trying to talk to me and I was totally spacing out... I was in my own little world... I'm such a horrible friend. I didn't feel like telling her what was going on... I mean, you'd get a lot of puzzled looks after saying "yeah, I totally fell in love with this chick who's a year younger than me and who I've never met face-to-face and with whom I've only ever talked to over the phone once." That's just not something you really say. XD But when I was paying attention to her (which was seldom... I'm a total dreamer) we decided we're gonna get a pirate ship and call it the S.S. Kumagoro. The mast it gonna have a cuddly picture of Kumagoro on it... I'm gonna be Cap'n Ryuichi... she's gonna be Skipper Noriko... and Tohma's gonna be my first mate (emphasis on mate). XD o_O You totally didn't read that last part, ok? God, I'm a loser.... Well, I guess one good thing that came out of today was I got to borrow her Full Metal Panic and Weiss Kreuz and such... but still, I realized today that being with my friends isn't going to be the same anymore. That's okay... if they get pissed off cause I'm happy for once in my life, screw 'em. Eh... right now I'm so happy I just wanna squeal really loud.... AAAH! In a completely unrelated squeal, my computer did it again! IT'S HAUNTED! But this time the cursor moved up. This is freaky... one time my computer started clucking at me. o_O Like a chicken. XD Well, back to my ranting of happiness... I'm so happy. XD You can live your life believing love's all sick, all lies, totally phony, and then one day it pimp-slaps you across the face and you're never quite the same anymore. Ehh... I don't know how I'm gonna pay attention in class, honestly... with much difficulty, I assure you. Note to self: bring PLENTY of doodling paper. XD That's all I plan on doing all day.

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

It's been quite a week, eh? Amazing just how much of your life can be turned around all thanks to a dream.... Today I got my hair cut... really symbolic to me, especially given what the date is today. The day before I broke up with Locke, I promised him I'd grow my hair out for him. So since that day I'd never cut my hair... but today I just let go. That's in my past now. He's in my past. I loved him but... that stage of my life is over now. I have him to thank for a lot. He really opened my eyes... taught me a lot of things about life. It's thanks to all the things he taught me that I had the strength to move on. So... I'm never going to forget a single minute I spent with him... but I'm not going to regret or dwell on the what-ifs either. "If the chains are rusted, throw them off." After all, I've found someone else now. I'm sure he'd be really happy to know. I also got highlights in my hair. I love it! I can't ever remember my hair looking this great... I have very sucky hair. But it looks great today! Note to self: Tip the stylist. Then I got my ears pierced. It didn't hurt at all... actually it kinda tickled. XD Then I went shopping... bought a buncha clothes and stuff... whee. I just feel so peaceful right now... for the first time in my life I feel as if nothing's wrong. As though everything's as it should be. It's just an overwhelming feeling of utter completeness... for the first time I can remember, I'm crying just from the sheer perfection of it all. It's like I don't have to worry about a thing anymore... it's amazing, and I don't ever want this feeling to go away.

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Friday, May 12, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you are I know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved Please don't try so hard to say goodbye... Maroon 5: She Will Be Loved. It was our song. Mine and Jason's, I mean. But I never called him by first name... to me he was always Locke. To other people it seems like such a happy song... but I cried everytime I heard it. I guess it's a reflex reaction for me by now, because I still cry when I hear it. And today, the song has even more meaning.... Tomorrow's his birthday, you know that? He'll be 19... I can't help but wonder what he's doing. He wanted me to be happy... well, happy birthday, Locke. I fulfilled your last wish... I'm happy. I'll let you all in on a secret... I was planning to end it this year. To die. I would have done it sooner, after I left him. It was a crushing hurt... I didn't want to live anymore. But... I held on. Ever since I was a child, something appealed to me about the age 14. I was convinced that was the year when everything would change. So I lived out the rest of my thirteenth year in total monotony. It was maddening... nothing changed. I had nothing but the memories and they were slowly pulling me into insanity. So I made a promise to myself the day I turned 14: that if nothing changed by my next birthday, I'd end it all. And... I was convinced that was the way it would end up. But things did change finally. Just not in the way I expected. It all happened at once... my mom drinks, my stepdad constantly yells at her, I never see my brother because he's always at work, and, alas, I'm in love again. I... didn't mean what I said last time. Love... it doesn't always have to be bad. But you can hardly blame me for being jaded after all I've done... you can't blame me for being insecure. It was once said that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... I really have a hard time believing that. The reason I'm afraid to love is because I know it could never last forever... I'm scared to let go. Absolutely terrified. But... despite my insecurities, despite my cynicism, I hope that you'll still love me, Tohma... ...because I love you. More than you could guess. You're the one I was always thinking about... you're the reason I'm still alive. You gave me a reason to live. Just like before, I was satisfied with the atrocity of real life when I knew I could come home and talk to you... it was that thought alone that kept me going. I'd say you mean the world to me, but that's an understatement... you are my life. You can understand why I'd be terrified to be without you. Like that time you nearly quit MyO? I was absolutely petrified. After having you around for so long... I couldn't bear being without you. Because I love you. I promised myself I wouldn't make this mistake again... that I wouldn't allow myself to fall in love like this again. But in your case... I'd do anything. I'd break any promise. You're special to me... and this time it's different. There are no lies between us. I can tell you anything. This time I have nothing to hide... this time it's not a love doomed to failure. Maybe it's time to let go of that skeptic side of me. Maybe it's time to restore my faith in that whole "love conquers all" mantra... it'd be worth it for you. I love you.

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I don't really feel much like posting anything substantial today... I don't feel like doing much of anything, honestly. I'd like to cry, but I can hardly even breathe... I feel totally sick to my stomach... I'm shaky... and I know it all has nothing to do with being sick. I... I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. I'm right back where I was a year and a half ago... I don't want to be. Just the other day, I made a promise to myself that I would move on. That I wouldn't let the memory of him hold me back, because that wasn't what he would have wanted. He wanted me to be happy.... And now it's all happening over again. I don't want this. It hurts too much. Last time this happened... it was unbearable. When it was over I just wanted to die... I don't want to go through this again... the pain of love is something I don't want to experience anymore. People are always saying how love is a beautiful thing... it's not. It's practically a form of bondage. You can't stop thinking about the person... you give your life to that person... and then once it's over you just feel like dying... I can't take it, not again. I don't want to....

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Baby, let's get together...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Still sick. >< meaning today was crap-tastic. I took another "nap" (see also: hibernation) after I got off the computer last night. I haven't eaten in days... and yet I'm not hungry. Rather, I felt like I was gonna throw up all day. Yippee, acid reflux... oh yeah. The dreams. To be honest, I can't even remember if I had one last night/day/hibernal period, because lately I've been lost in the delirium of my fever and can't discern my sleeping dreams from my daydreams, because sure enough, I'm daydreaming about it now. Great. Today I caught myself absent-mindedly doodling the person's name over and over and I just about stabbed myself with my pen. I'm totally obsessed now... wonderful. The last thing I need is to be in love again. >< It was pretty funny... in Science Mr. Momsen was going through the rubric for a project with us, and he said, "10 extra credit points for the wow factor of the project... by the way, I didn't come up with the term 'wow factor'. It's Mrs. Momsen's (Mrs. Momsen is the Spanish teacher, his wife). Surprisingly, in seven years of being married to her, she's never given me 10 points for 'wow factor'." Being the sick pervert I am, I was the only one who got it and I just started dying laughing. Then I got in a coughing fit and just about passed out. Tomorrow's a field trip. We're going up to Lake Tahoe and we're gonna go on this big ol' ship and cruise around... Sierra and me are just gonna read Gravitation all day. XD We're such a waste of molecules....

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Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Yesterday... I slept from 4 in the afternoon to 6 in the morning. XD 14 hours... a personal best. And it was fourteen hours well spent, if you follow. *nudge* ^_^... o_o... -_-... T_T... maybe I do need a counselor after all.. *sigh* Yeah... the dreams're still there... and they've gotten even more... ah, how shall I phrase this... in depth. XD I am the queen of diplomacy... the mistress of tact... empress of the thesaurus. XD But Tohma, I'd really like to know who you think they're about... because whatever you're thinking, I don't think it's right. It's the last person you'd expect.... Somehow, even after 14 hours, I woke up exhausted and still sick. The day was a nightmare. I was dizzy the whole time and couldn't walk straight, let alone think straight. So after I'm done MyOtaku-ing around I'll probably go back to sleep... Oh, one good thing that happened at school today... we're doing Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream in English and we had to act out a scene, and even congested I acted about 40 times better than everyone else... I was the only one who was really acting. Everyone else was reading. But then again no one else understood what they were reading... I'm really good with ye olde English. I'm a Renaissance Man... er... woman. XD I was Helena, which was perfect cause she's a drama queen. I wanted to be one of the dudes, though... crossdressing is fun. XD HOLY CRAP. O_O MY COMPUTER'S HAUNTED! OH NO! AAAAAAH! Just now I was typing and the little pointer-cursor-arrow-thing on the screen started moving to the left! O_O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO! NOOO! AAAH! Maybe I'm just feverish and that was a hallucination... yeah, probably. -_- *sigh* I'm going back to bed...

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Monday, May 8, 2006

I have a dream...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Shhhyeah... I was plagued by yet another dream last night. Yeeeeah. XD But you shall never know. The whole thing was less about what it was about and more about who it was about. XD... I'm sure your brains are swarming right now. In other news, all our cherry trees are in bloom! ^^ It's so pretty. I loves it. I'm still sick today. >< Today was torture. It never seemed to end... I couldn't read a single line from the textbook without practically passing out. But if I miss any more school I'll be held back... *sigh* it's funny that I, of all people, am facing the threat of being held back. Mmm, I'm gonna waive my "no naps" policy and take one right now... I'm anxious for yet another dream. ^_~ What can I say... I'm kinda beyond the "wtf" stage and have moved on to "you can't prevent it, so just enjoy it." Oh, I just remembered something. Do you remember those late 90's commercials for "the incredible edible egg?" (by the way, can I eat your chick, Tohma?) well I thought of something better: "The incredible edible uke." XD! I love it! Ok, love you, bye.

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