Monday, April 10, 2006

Hate me today...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made And like a baby boy I never was a man Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!” Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I heard this song on the way home today and I just had to post the lyrics up here. It pretty much sums up my mood of the day. I can't help feeling like I need to be hated... I don't want sympathy or pity. I don't deserve it. All this shit I keep bitching about is my fault. I caused everything to happen... all I can ever do is hurt people and I expect you to tell me I'm a good person. I'm not. I deserve to be hated. Today, we went to the zoo. Yes. The mother fucking zoo. Absolutely exilharating. Walking around in the blaring sunlight (just a little piece of irony considering it's been half past freezing up here until today) with no one but some grandparents and a 16-year old brother. Having your fanny pack-clad grandmother stop every 10 fucking minutes to go to the bathroom, every time asking if you need to go as well. Eyeballing creatures who are every bit as trapped as I am... sometimes I think I'M a zoo exhibit, and the world is an animal trainer. Bonnie, roll over. Bonnie, be a genius. Bonnie, end world hunger. Good girl. Look, mommy! The Bonnie got straight A's! We went to another mall today, and this one was like a trillion times better than the last one. I was 110% pissed though because I spent all my money at the last mall and we get to this one and the Sam Goody is going out of business and everything's 60% off and they have anime galore for less than 10 bucks... and I had no cash. WHY does this stuff happen to me? Well, I'm off, I have to go hate myself... see you tomorrow.

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Sunday, April 9, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Don't feel like a full update today, so play this game instead. I've been playing it for hours... o_O Crap... the game I put up here doesn't work. Oh well. You'll live.

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Saturday, April 8, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Yeah... things aren't much better today. My dad was almost brutally hung over this morning. I laughed. Serves him right. Yeah... just another depressing, freezing ass day in paradise. Well, I did get to go to the mall... that was alright, except I spent practically all my money to get something for Natalie because I'm an altruist and stuff. The mall there's pretty nice, though. You name a store, they got it. Except Suncoast, which sucked. There wasn't a single store in that mall that sold anime. But they did have a Borders, so I got my daily dosage of Cardcaptor Sakura, so it's all good. But I'm pretty pissed. Whether you're in Reno, Carson, or Denver, all Borders are missing the exact same volumes, which happen to be the ones I want- Legal Drug 3, Gravitation 7, Chobits 2-4 (I just read those ones at the library instead) and Cardcaptor Sakura 4- well, Denver had that one, after months of me looking for it, so I got it. Yay for me. Well, I think I'm gonna have to expend my Amazon thingy on all the manga I can never find... stupid Borders only restocks the brand new stuff. And Fullmetal Alchemist and Fruits Basket, of course, cause everyone loves those. Can you feel my bitterness? Well, at least Amazon sells like-new manga for like 2.50. Certainly makes my life easier. I can only wonder what they consider "like new" though... sigh. Thus is the tragedy of a fangirl. When I get back (and get some money) I'm thinking of making a cosplay costume, even though there's no con within 300 miles of where I live all year. I'd just do it for fun. I don't know who I'd like to cosplay, though... a Gravi character would be fun, not to mention easy. Maybe I'll do my namesake, Ryu-chan... maybe if Tohma comes back from the dead (where is she, anyway? Thought she wasn't leaving) she could do Tohma and someone could do Noriko and we could have a Nittle Grasper reunion... or it could be one of those tribute bands like they do for the Beatles... except I'd have to lip-sync, I suck at singing. XD And if not Gravi, I might wanna do Rikku from FFX (not FFX-2, that's just slutty) or maybe something Last Exile or .hack... what do you think? At the mall, there was this way hot Japanese guy... he was sitting near me, talking on his cell phone in Japanese and I'm all eavesdropping, I could actually understand a lot of what he said... I whipped out one of my mangas and started reading as if to say, "Hey, I'm a Japanophile, wanna totally hook up?" XD... dear god, do I seem desperate to you as well? I depress myself sometimes. Often. Always. Yeah, always.

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Friday, April 7, 2006

Rescue me...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I'm in Colorado now. Somebody get me out of here, please... god, I feel horrible right now. I can't stand spending time with my family. It's all so phony. I've always preferred being alone, in a way... but I made myself this way. I made it so that, while everyone else has silly childhood memories to reminisce about, my whole childhood has been all but erased... I just feel awful right now. I'm so confused... nothing's making sense anymore. I don't know what I want anymore, or how I feel, or anything... and I'm rambling again. But bear with me; this site is the only place I get to vent. I just don't know what's going on with me anymore. When I'm around people, I want to be alone, and when I'm alone, I want somebody beside me. I hear a sad song on the radio, one that brings back memories, and I start crying, but I turn up the radio anyway. I find myself thinking in circles- every thing about me is contradictory. The things I want I'd rather not have, and the things I don't want I desperately need. There's questions all around that I keep asking but the answers are never the ones I want to hear. It's freezing as hell in Colorado... makes Reno feel like a tropical paradise, and that's saying something. I don't like cold. At all. Plus we're staying in the middle of nowhere miles away from anything with no cell reception and I just want to go home and curl up in my nice, secluded bedroom... *sigh* it's so boring. I just want to go home... well, not really. I hate home. I hate my family. I just want to be somewhere alone.

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Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I'm in the throes of depression right now, therefore this post will be to the point... wait, that's ironic. Normally when I'm in the throes of depression it's a four page long post, but not this time... ugh... I wouldn't have even posted today except I need to tell you I probably won't be posting for a while. Tomorrow I'm going to Colorado for spring break and I won't get to a computer till I'm there, and even then I'll only be able to get on for a few minutes if anything. So... yeah. Not like it matters. People seem to be disappearing from this site a lot lately. *glares in Tohma's general direction*

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Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

MEHHHH... I was in such a good mood today because my counselor appointment got changed because the doctor was sick. I was like, halelujah. But then I find out Tohma is thinkin' of deleting her account, and that was like borderline heart attack stuff there... o_o seriously, I'm gonna go curl up and die now. It seems like anything that makes me remotely happy vanishes into thin air... Yesterday I was looking through my archives, and let me tell you that doing that is about the most depressing thing ever. I've been on this MyO for over half a year and I haven't changed at all... the way I felt then is exactly how I still feel. Nothing's changed in my life, nothing since him. Ugh... I hate time... it's so depressing... >< LATE-BREAKING NEWSFLASH: OHMYGOD! I just got my 500th page visit! Woo! Go me! ^^

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Monday, April 3, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh... Yeaaah. My mom scheduled an appointment with a counselor tomorrow... WONDERFUL. She's finally caught on to the fact that I hate everything. Jeez, it only took her three years... I don't want to go. I'm not gonna tell them a damn thing, naturally. It's a waste of my mom's money and my time. Why would I tell a complete stranger stuff I can't even tell my closest friends? Well, I suppose that's rather hypocritical of me, considering that's exactly what I'm doing on this site right now. But you guys are different. A counselor will just think I'm like everybody else... I'm not, and you guys know that. I DON'T want to GO! Grrrr... As promised, your Tatsuha moment of the day: Noriko: Wouldn't you like to have Ryu-chan's home number instead? *In Tatsuha's mind: Scenario 1* Tatsuha: Oh, hello, is this the residence of Ryuichi Sakuma? Mrs. Sakuma: Why, yes, Ryuichi is my son. Tatsuha: Oh, you must be Mrs. Sakuma. Hello, my name is Tatsuha Uesugi. Mrs. Sakuma: Oh my, I've heard so much about you from my son. He's always telling me how kind and handsome Tatsuha-kun is... Tatsuha: Oh, ha-ha-ha. Please stop. Mrs. Sakuma: Come visit us anytime. I would love to see the legend for myself. Hee-hee. *Scenario 2* Tatsuha: Oh, hello? This is Uesugi. Mrs. Sakuma: Oh! I'm glad you called. Our Ryuichi is of age now, and, well, you know? I was hoping he would meet someone nice and... so, won't you please consider it? Tatsuha: Uh, well, I don't know... Mrs. Sakuma: His father and I both agree that you two would make a perfect couple. I think our boy would make a wonderful bride. Don't you agree? Tatsuha: Oh yes! Definitely! When you put it that way... may I have your son's hand in marriage?! Mrs. Sakuma: Then it's settled! I'm so happy! *End scenario* Tatsuha: *nosebleeds* I'm your loyal dog, madam. Noriko: Tee-hee... glad you could see things my way. There are some things worth more than money, my dear. XD! That was fun. Me loves. <3

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Sunday, April 2, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

New layout... it's all pretty and see-through na no da. I like it... I'm gonna keep it for a while. ^^ But this layout has NOTHING on TheO's new layout-type thingy... seriously, that banner ROCKED. Too bad they took it down... *sigh* XD Seriously, wtf is an Obwaku? Ohnos, I forgot to give you your daily dosage of Tatsuha yesterday. Eep! Don't kill me! And I don't feel like putting one today. That's right, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT, FIN, END OF STORY, GOODBYE. Any questions? Jesus Christ... I've just discovered the brilliance that is the song Fake Star. Holy crud, in the past day I've listened to it about 90 times and it never ever gets old. It's sung by the voice actor of Shuichi in Gravi, unlike all the other Bad Luck songs that are done by Kotani Kinya... speaking of which, Kotani Kinya is my GOD now. Seriously, I became a groupie overnight. o_o it's weird... I like, have an obsession with a person who actually exists and isn't Maki Murakami... o_O This is new to me. XD

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Saturday, April 1, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Yeah, so much for going to Sierra's place... her dad decided it'd be a great idea to break up with his girlfriend a half hour before I was going to go over there. Exciting... I might go to Victoria's place though. Might. I hope so, and I know it sounds selfish but I kind of don't want Sierra to come along... I don't know. Being with Victoria alone is one of the few things I look forward to anymore. I just love being around her... no matter how terrible I'm feeling she can always make me smile. The time I spend with her is so special to me... I just don't really want to share it with anyone else. Is that weird of me? o_O

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Friday, March 31, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Thank Tohma's Hat (God) it's Friday. I'm going to Sierra's tonight and I'm gonna shove the Gravitation OVA down her throat... Victoria's also gonna be there. Yeah, the one who's moving. Did I tell you guys she's the one who got me into Gravitation? I have her to thank for so much... God, I don't want her to leave. So I've decided that tonight I'm going to staple her to Sierra's dresser so she can never leave. Muahahahaha! I are evil. Well then, as I have nothing left to say, here's your Tatsuha moment of the day, from vol. 6 of the manga: Hiro: What would you say if I told you I could give you Ryuichi Sakuma's phone number? *In Tatsuha's mind- Scenario 1* Tatsuha: Oh, hello, Ryuichi? It's me. Ryuichi: Hey, Tatsuha-kun. What's up? Where are you? Tatsuha: Oh, I'm in Shibuya. How about you? Ryuichi: What a coincidence! So am I! I'm doing an interview! Tatsuha: Wow, it's like kismet. Are you gonna be finished soon? Ryuichi: Yeah, in about 30 minutes. Tatsuha: Okay, then how about I'll wait for you at the station at 2:30? Maybe we can grab a bite...? Ryuichi: Okay, sure. Sounds wonderful. *Scenario 2* Tatsuha: Hey, it's me, are you awake? Ryuichi: Oh, Tatsuha-kun. We just said goodbye. Tatsuha: Yeah, but I just wanted to hear your voice again. Can you tell me you love me? Say it just once... Ryuichi: Oh, Tatsuha-kun. Gimme a break. You know how embarassed I get. Tatsuha: Come on. Say it. Please. Ryuichi: Oh, okay... you big dummy... I. Love. You. Kyaaaa! Oh my god! Bye! Tatsuha: Hey, hold on a sec. What? I didn't hear it. Say it again! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ryuichi: You bastard! Hee-hee-hee. *End scenario* Tatsuha: *nosebleeds* XD I loved that one... there's another similar one later in volume 6 but I'm saving that one for next time. Bye!

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