Friday, March 17, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Days left until I go to Vegas: 7 Wow... I feel so much better today it's not even funny. Well, not my stupid ear infection. I stayed home again. But... just hearing somebody, anybody tell me that what I did was right just made me feel happier than I have in a long time. Thank you all so much. You really don't know how much it means to me. But... being with him opened my eyes to a lot of things. What really struck hard was the fact that the only way I could possibly be happy- even temporarily- was through a lie. By not being me. No one loved the real me. No one does. What he loved was an illusion, and the longer I was with him the more I began to become that illusion. I became a product of my lies and I developed a split personality, each fighting for control though neither was willing to compromise. And it's just hard sometimes, when the what-if scenarios play through my mind... what if I was the person I made up? I can only imagine how happy life would be, how great it would all be, if only... but I can't think like that. It couldn't have happened. There's no point wondering about something that could have never been. That only leads to pain, and I daresay I've got enough of that as it is. Okay. I'll stop my angsting now. I know how much you all hate it. God, I hate this stupid sickness. Let me put this into perspective for you. I haven't eaten in 36 hours and out of the past 24 hours I've only been awake for 5. Yeah... I'm gonna die. Cool. Well then, I'm going back to bed... see ya.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Here it is...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I stayed home today, like I really had a choice. I'm truly convinced I'm dying. I woke up this morning and I felt so nauseous and dizzy and shaky, and I still do, I can't even type well right now. I want to just crawl back into bed, but I did make a promise to you all. So I'm going to tell you, right now. It's really hard for me to recall all the details. It happened so long ago and unfortunately it's all a blur now. I was twelve then. Young, naive, and twelve. Even then I was depressed. Even then I was on the edge of giving up. It's funny now to think about what I considered sadness back then. It was around September when it happened. I was a member of this forum on the internet, just a low-key member that no one ever really connected to a personality. One day, a member of that forum Instant Messaged me. I knew him; he was always posting in the same topics I would, but we never really actually had a one-on-one talk. God, I must have talked to him for hours that day. He was such a nice guy and it was just so easy to have a conversation with him. He had probably the lamest one-liners I'd heard in my life, but he seemed to take pleasure in being a clown. He told me just about every detail of his life, even though we'd only just met. His real name was Jason, he lived in Arizona, he played rugby and he was 17 years old—five years older than me, though he didn't know it. Then he popped the question, and I still remember how he phrased it: "Listen, I like you, and I think we make a really great team. Will you go out with me?" I didn't answer him at first; I left him with a maybe. I was every bit as skeptical as you probably are now. Of course I didn't think there was anything romantic about an AIM window. But he was such a nice guy, and I wanted a chance to talk to him again. Besides, I was young and I never considered it would develop into anything—"love" at that age never does. I'd done this sort of thing online before, and nothing ever became of it. What would make this any different? But I think the thing that influenced my decision most of all was that, even though he told me every detail of his life, he never asked how old I was. He was mature, and I was old for my age. The truth was I wasn't 12. I was much older than the numbers gave me credit for. I was thrilled with the possibility of being able to talk to have a mature conversation with someone, to have someone I could talk to after a long day and get advice, someone not biased by their opinions of the real me or by the flaws of youth. So eventually I said yes, and he was delighted. Only after I agreed did he ask how old I was, and I told the first in a long series of lies: I was 17, born May 8, 1987—five days before him. I was happy. For the first time in my life I had something to look forward to. I loved the fact that after a hard day at school I could go home and talk to somebody who wasn't to busy worshipping Hilary Duff's latest music video on MTV. I loved that there was somebody who could give me advice even if I never was able to tell exactly what was wrong. For all the details of his life he told me, I told none. Of course he noted my insecurities and secrecy, but he didn't mind. He didn't care who I was in the real world. And I don't know when it happened, or why, but sure enough, it eventually did: I fell in love. Weeks went by and I didn't even care about my real life. All I wanted was to go home and talk to him. He made everything worthwhile. He wanted nothing more than to help me, to rescue me. I knew what I was feeling was nothing short of love. The beating of my heart when I saw his name appear on my buddy list, the gentle comfort he gave only to me, the way I found myself reading every post he made on that forum, smiling every time he mentioned me—how could it be anything else? He loved me as well. He told me about this ring, a diamond ring he had, one that he intended to give to a girl long ago before she left him. He kept that ring on his bedside table, waiting for the right girl to give it to. Waiting for the person he loved. He told me that person was me… and I was shocked. Things got serious quick. I knew I couldn't stay with him forever. He was so much older than me, and one day he'd want to actually meet me, actually rescue me. In October I turned 13 and I don't think I'd ever cried so much on any day as I did that day. It hurt so much to not be told "happy birthday" by the one you loved. I knew my days with him were numbered, but still I procrastinated. How could I not? He made me happier than anything else ever had. For the first time in my life, somebody loved me. I learned that love was the thing I'd been missing all my life. Love was the void I'd always felt but could never define. How could I just turn my back on the most beautiful thing in the world? But there was regret as well. So much regret. I hated myself for having lied to him. I never really liked myself, but never until I met him did I truly hate myself. He was the most beautiful person in the world, and I lied to him all at a chance to see a world I'll never be a part of. Time ticked by steadily. He tried so hard to break past my shell, to actually know the true me. He wanted to meet me, to talk to me, to actually see me after weeks of romance through text. I couldn't do that, though. I couldn't even give him a reason why. I knew I had to end it. One way or another he'd find out the truth or even begin to hate me for being so insecure. I tried constantly to end it, but I couldn't find the words to say. One day in November—I don't remember the date but I know it was a Thursday—I woke up and knew it would be the day. I went home and signed on and was relieved to find he wasn't online. The truth is, I was too much of a coward to tell him "face-to-face". So I did it in an e-mail. I didn't even tell him why or anything… how could I? How could I tell him the "woman" he loved was really just a child? So he never found out the truth. I got a reply mail from him. He said he didn't understand but he did respect my decision, and if I ever changed my mind he would be there. He was going to move in with a friend when he turned 18, and he said I would always be welcome in his home no matter what. I can remember the last time I talked to him. It was the day after I sent the mail. His words this time were angry, and they were the most painful words I ever had to read. I knew I deserved it, though. I knew I deserved to be punished, to be hated. My final words to him were "I'm sorry", and then I did the hardest thing I ever had to do: I pressed the "block user" button. That's my story. I'm sure it doesn't really seem as extravagant as you were expecting, but to me it was the most significant thing that had ever happened. I guess love is something you just can't describe in words, no more than you can describe happiness or sadness. How can one describe an emotion? I think I got close to saying everything I needed to, though. I still wonder what happened to him. I wonder what happened to that diamond ring, and whether it's sitting on some other girl's finger right now, or if it's still on his bedside table, solitary and unused. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or if he moved on as though it never even happened. Sometimes I wonder if he ever even loved me, but I know he did. Love was in the way he promised to be there for me no matter what. Love was in the way his doors, his arms were always open to me. Love was in the way that he confided in me, even if the confiding was unreciprocated. He loved me. And I remember having promised once that I would always love him—and I do. I do still love him. After all the lies I told him, I made sure at least that was a truth.

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

PaganAngel's Breakdown #973

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I ended up going to the doctor today. Both my ears are infected. Woo-hoo! Am I not the luckiest human alive? So now today I've had 8 ibuprofens, 2 big gigantic antibiodics, a coupla coated Tylenols, and like 4 Pepcid AC's... woo! I'm gonna die! Ugh, yeah. The title. That's right. Got home and I was just sitting in the living room and before I knew what was happening I was just crying and I couldn't stop... it was so weird, I'm so used to never doing that around my parents. I'm so used to keeping everything a secret from them. But I just totally lost it today. Maybe I'm finally starting to break... maybe I'm breaking from the pressure of keeping it all inside. I can't live like this anymore. I just can't. I hate how it always feel. I hate how I break into hysterics everytime I look in the mirror. I'm sick of living my life in secret... ...and that's why I'm going to tell you. Everything. It's time I came clean. It's time you all learned what it is that happened to me all those months ago. It's time I told my story, because this is something I've been dying to do for about 16 months now. So I'll tell you. Just not today. My head's totally screwed right now and I can't really think straight or find the right words to say. But tomorrow, I will tell you everything... I promise.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happy Pi Day!

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Yeah, it's Pi Day today. Get it? 3/14? As in 3.14? Ah, screw you guys. Somehow the poem I wrote for Pi Day in like half a minute still managed an A+... just goes to show you how crazy teachers are about me. Jesus Christ. I have an earache from hell. You know when you get those ear infections that hurt all the way down to your jaw? Well, yeah. I can hardly even open my mouth or swallow and I'll probably end up overdosing of Ibuprofen, so if I never post ever again, you'll know why. Eww, it snowed last night and this morning. I don't like snow. It gets me all emotional, which leads to nostalgia, which leads to depression. And it didn't help matters any that I fell in a mother flipping ditch on the way to the bus stop. Then I dropped-- not spilled, literally DROPPED-- my coffee on the bus floor. Then, as if matters couldn't get any worse, I dropped my Pi Day poem right in the goddamn coffee. And I STILL got an A+. Yeah. Don't envy me. I don't enjoy it at all. We had our trè lame CRT testing today... JESUS CHRIST, haven't I already PROVEN to you people I'm smart? Do I even NEED to take these tests!? It was math and even though math's my worst subject, honestly, I knew the answer to every single problem. Tomorrow is Reading. Hoo. Ray. Because we all know I can't read. (sarcasm) Yeah... my Gravi's still stuck... *sob* I'm going to perform surgery on the case itself and then just use a different case... I just hope I don't scratch the disk... God, you've already made this a miserable enough day, could you please throw me a bone here!?

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Fugghedaboutit!

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

AH! NOOOO! NO HELP! MY GRAVITATION VOL. 1 IS STUCK IN ITS CASE AND IT WON'T COME OUT! NOOOO! OH GODS! I'M PANICKING! OHNOOHNOOHNO!!!! HELP MEEEE! *hyperventilates* Um... okay... yeah... it's still stuck... God really doesn't like me. o_O Our sub in history... yeah. We're all convinced he's in the Mafia. XD All during the period I was all going like "Hand over the money and bring me a cannoli!" and "Boss, it's Tony, we've got 'em, he's headed for Brooklyn" and "Come over for dinner tonight, huh? Momma's making lasagna." XD everyone was cracking up but the sub didn't appreciate it terribly much. Imagine that. Well I don't have time for anything else, I have to do a stupid Pi Day project that's due tomorrow that I haven't even started. Stupid Pi... stupid 3.141592653589793 and that's all I've remembered... >< This sucks terribly. Plus we have stupid CRT testing tomorrow. I don't wanna... I'm gonna try and unstick my stupid Gravitation. I hope to god I don't break it. That'd just be my luck.

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Overuse of the word "sexy"

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Today I walked my dog... it was freezing and I spent the whole hour talking on my cell phone and praising the gods of technology. I finally told my mom to return my MP3 player because my stupid Gravi songs don't work on it so she's gonna exchange it and if it still doesn't work I'll flip. Stupid Wal-Mart... I'm in Harry Potter mode right now. In Spanish class that's all my group ever talks about and it takes a conspiracy theorist such as myself to discover all the secrets I've found hidden in those books! It's so much more than a book series if you know what to look for. And it's sexy and werewolf-y-- Yes, I am a hopeless Lupin fangirl. I blame fanfiction-- may Sirius/Lupin own your soul! God, only I could turn classic literature into yaoi. Me and the rest of fanfiction.net. I think I have what we like to call "The Tohma Syndrome"-- totally avoiding talking about the anime that is my current layout. So I think I'll talk about X now. I was watching it last night. Kamui's sexy! So's Subaru. <3 I was watching episode 9 and I timed how long it just showed Subaru walking and it was exactly three minutes... of just plain walking. XD I didn't get it. That was like the most uneventful episode ever. But at least it was three minutes of watching someone sexy. I mean if it was some other character that would be boring, but since it was Subaru it's high-quality entertainment.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Umm... yeah. We shaved my cat today. Yeah, that big long space was for you to let it sink in and for your "wtf" time. We. Shaved. My cat. Wow, besides that I have nothing to say... I guess everything of any significance I've been feeling in the past 24 hours was explained in my last post. Ugh, I have to do a report on White Fang which I didn't even read... hoo-flippin'-ray. I'll probably just pull up my Call of the Wild essay and replace the name "Buck" with "White Fang". Yeah. That's what I'll do.

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Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

For the record, this is my March 10 post even though it's considered March 11- it's still 9:00 here- so I'll have another post tomorrow or today or whatever in the evening so make sure you check back. I almost considered not even posting at all. I just... I don't know. It's one of those days when you just have a long discussion with yourself consisting mainly of the word "why". Like, why am I still here. Or, why do I do these things. Or, why am I so confused. There are two groups of you people, those of you who know exactly what I'm talking about and those of you who are completely confused. To the latter, I apologize. Anyway, it's weird, but lately I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I was normal. I'm not saying I'd rather be like them- I'm still confused as to that matter- but what I mean is, I see other people at my school, happy and social stuff, and I can't help but wonder why I didn't turn out like them. What made me different. While I tell my self that one incident changed me for good, it's not true. Even before that time, I was different. Or at least, I think I was. I'm not sure. my entire life up to a little over a year ago is a blur and I hardly ever remember it. And you can hardly blame me. What happened then rocked my entire life to the foundation, and to this day, a year later, it stands out as the only thing worthwhile I'd ever done in my life. The irony in it is astounding, for that same thing is the one thing in my life I regret above all others. It all comes down to one simple concept: If I had the chance, would I have prevented it all from happening? Would I have given myself the shot at a normal life? On one hand, the pain was so crushing and I don't think the scars will ever completely heal. I still find myself crying at the mere thought of what happened. I'm still haunted by all the scenarios I imagine, the realities that could have been. It just all hurts so much and I always feel like I'm going to break. I hate myself for having done what I did, and the guilt is overwhelming. Some days it feels like hurting people is the only thing I can do right. But on the other hand, I know I could never throw it all away. I learned so much, experienced so much, felt so much that I didn't even know existed, things I know others didn't know of either. I just feel lucky sometimes at how much I know because of it. And, most importantly, those days were the happiest I'd ever known in my life. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for these memories, because they're the only happiness I have anymore. I learned that even a person like me can be happy, even though it hurts sometimes. The memories are what keep me alive, and what haunt me. It's a double-edged sword, but one I still intend to wield.

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Thursday, March 9, 2006

Woo!

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

New layout, but you noticed that, and if you didn't, yeah. You're a little slow. XD I know what you're thinking, "WTF? It's not yaoi?" Well, too bad. It's X, in case you didn't know that either. It's still in progress though, I haven't had time to totally fix it up yet. So I'll get to it... eventually! But do you like it so far? Today in P.E. I had to do the mile run in the huge wind with a cold and Mr. Rix gave me crap because I went 20 seconds over the passing mark (13 minutes) and he's all "you need to try harder." And I gave him this incredulous look and said, "I'm sorry if I don't meet your expectations, Mr. Rix, but as far as I'm concerned I'm proud that I even crossed the finish line." He said nothing, and I just walked off. Yeah. Then on the bus it was snowing really hard and me, Alex, and Cecilia rolled down all the windows. It was freezing, but fun. XD

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Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Cheap kinky hose

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

What a day for shocks this is. Le-kun thinks plushies are cute and Tohma hasn't seen Gravitation. Weirdness... o_O Not terribly much to report on today. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye because I remembered a TV special saying the dude who murdered John Lennon was obsessed with that book. It's so cool! I'm only like 40 pages in but I'm hooked. I can totally relate to it. I just wish everyone would skip the bull and be real. Ha, I suppose that's really hypocritical of me to say, I who live my entire life behind a mask of bullshit and lies. I'm the "phoniest" of them all. But hey, I have the right. I actually have something worth hiding. The rest of the world doesn't. So there. Today in English, we were working in partners to do this packet on capitalization rules (*snore*), and Alicia had the word "duke" written on hers and when she wasn't looking I erased the "d". I was cracking up, but she didn't get it, and I'm sure a lot of you didn't get it either, but for those of you who did... pretty clever (and/or fangirlish) of me, no? Oh and in science we talked about cheap, kinky hose. Which, when you say out loud, sounds a lot dirtier than it really is. Our science teacher is cool, though (the time he had a Victoria's Secret bag in his room comes to mind). He got the joke. He also taught us how to siphon gas out of a car. Yay for illegal-ness!

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