Thursday, February 22, 2007

Papa lapped a pap lopped

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Holy jesus. I have exactly 1337 page views. XP Oh, oh yeah, I'm supposed to be pissed... ARRRRGH, I HATE FLIPPING EVERYTHING!!! (And you know I must be really ticked because it's rare that I use multiple exclamation points.) So here's the scenario. Saturday. Dir en grey. San Francisco. Just 30 bucks. ME AND TONYA NOT GOING. I cried. I really, truly cried. And then we both hated our parents. *sigh* I hate the world... *goes emo* Oh yeah, I'm back at me stepdaddy's house now, and my old man's in Cali (lucky... he's like a stone's throw away from Dir en Grey...). Life continues as usual. Kind of. I don't know. o_O WE GOT A PUPPEH! He's a corgi and he's still a baby and he's sooooo cute! His name's Boo so I call him Boo Radley. He's fluffy. The dilemma: He hates me. ;-; I guess I'll just stick to my Jeff. So this is the latest chapter in my dysfunctional life. Heh, it's funny, in Speech we have to give a speech on any personal event and I'm drawing a blank. Heh, I can post pages and pages of personal ramblings for you guys, but I have nothing to say to my classmates. Hee. Okay, I love you guys goodly. ^^ Byes. Oh, P.S.: Need a hand here. Can anyone throw me the code to change what the title bar of your page says? Oh, I hate asking for help...

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Friday, February 2, 2007

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

You guys are awesome. You're the ones that deserve the fan club, you realize that? Reading your comments made me really really super happy. ^^ And I think I'm okay-ish today. It's a new semester and I'm just going to try and keep myself busy as much as I can. I can't talk for long; I'm at my uncle's house. And I might not be able to get on much once we move because we drew straws and my brother gets our computer. My mom's gonna get me a laptop soon. My mom quit her job, it sucks. I've always counted on having 2 P.M. to 5 P.M. as being my "alone time." Hope she gets a new job soon, I'm already going insane and it's day one. There's a lot of stuff I feel like I need to say right now, a lot of things I've got figured out, but I guess I'll have to wait until next time. Thanks, guys, for being the awesomest people ever!

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

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...Crap. Let's make today my general rant off against existance day, shall we? So where do I start? First, my personal life. I've been having all the wrong thoughts lately and things I thought I'd left behind forever are all of a sudden bubbling back to the surface. And now I'm giving myself shit because I can't believe I let myself forget it all. I can't believe I moved on; moreover, I can't believe I wanted to move on. A year or so ago my greatest wish was for things to change. Jesus, what was I thinking? The grass is always greener on the other side; I'd give anything to have what I had then. I think. Really, I have no clue. God, I just wish there was so much I didn't do. I wish I had the security I had then regardless of everything else. Every little dream I have is making me reconsider everything, and it leads me to wonder, am I this desperate? And then there's my family. We'll be moving back in with my stepdad shortly and I know everyone's not going to get along. Oh, my brother won't be joining us, of course, that would be too explosive and he's too much of a coward to withstand it. He'll be living with my dad, and they'll probably move to San Luis Obispo if my dad gets a job there. So great, the only two of my family members I can stand will be 7 hours away and I'll be left with the two nutcases. I'm just so sick of how my family acts-- how we look like the ideal family, yet below the surface we're as dysfunctional as dysfunctional can be. Let's go through the wringer, shall we? We've got the mother who plays favorites, who never follows through on her promises (I think she's had 3 glasses of wine already tonight), who would sell her soul--and her heart-- for a couple extra dollars, who pressures her reluctant kids to have the life she could never have. The stepdad, the paranoid obsessive compulsive who can go from wallflower to authoritarian as fast as a Mustang goes from 0 to 60. The son, the typical troubled and "misunderstood" teen, the testosterone-fueled delinquent who never pauses to consider what impact his actions have on everyone around him, who more than likely smokes, drinks, and I really don't care what else. The daughter, the progidy, the good child who lives a life no one could have guessed, who's clinically depressed and befriended the razor's edge for no better reason than curiosity. The puppet, the wind-up doll, who knows she'll never meet anyone's expectations but plays along anyway, who never offers an opinion of her own and shies away from family fallouts just so she can keep being the family favorite. And I wonder, am I this desperate? And my grades are dropping, and I feel sick all the time, and I don't act the same around my friends anyone. But they just don't worry about it when I act the way I do. As far as they're concerned, I'll get over it in a matter of days and go back to being the cheery, spastic one I am. They figure, 'just let her be, she'll get over it.' Au contraire, alone I can dull the pain, yes, but I can't cure it. I want to be worried about. I want to be fawned over, I want to be held and told everything's going to be alright even if it won't... I want that so badly that I don't think I care anymore who it is that gives that to me, so long as someone can. And that leaves me to wonder, am I this desperate?

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Friday, December 29, 2006

On your back, with loaded guns.

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I was planning this to be my "rant off about general existance" day. But I really don't want to (for this I thank Le-kun... and my newest obession, Iceman- do you like this song?). Yeah, I'm still depressed/angsty/pissed/ROAR. But so what? *shrug* So I go back home tomorrow. Nehhhhh, winter break's half over... *sob* Well, I'm gonna drag my ambitionless ass back to joining fanlistings... -.-

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Here it's December every day

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So, yeah. Christmas. Hope it was merry. I got the complete Sex and the City, a hair straightener, FFXII, highlights in my hair, two cookbooks, two pairs of Vans, and a hat that looks eerily like Tohma's. So how was your guys's holidays? You know what? Fuck this. I'm more fucking depressed right now than I've been in months. But I'm not going to rain on anybody's parade here because experience shows that you guys really don't like me to, you know, have problems. So whatever. There. Look at the god damn kitties and let's all pretend everything's fucking dandy in the world.

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Sunday, December 17, 2006

I'm in love with a sociopath (hey!)

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Hellos everyone! I only have a coupla minutes because I'm on my home computer. I'll be at my dad's starting Christmas night. (Le-kun and Chyrea-san, be on Yahoo or I'll KILL YOU.) The concert was extra shiny na no da! Angels & Airwaves were great, but I Hate Kate and Shiny Toy Guns stole the show. And the keyboardist in Shiny Toy Guns... oh em ef gee... he's sextacular. Plus, I got to meet him because after he was done doing the radio interview before the concert he came over to the table where I was sitting to use the ashtray. He left the cigarette in the ashtray for a minute to go do photos and I nearly stole it to sell on eBay. ^^ And my brother met Tom Delonge in a far more amusing way. While AVA was doing the radio interview, my brother slipped Tom a note that said "Call me! <3 Let's do lunch!" And he left his phone number. Tom got pissed but eventually signed his shirt. So all's well that ends well, I suppose. ^^ Like my shiny theme? Been a while since I've done a FF one. I didn't know most of you back then. Oh, how trippy that I've been here for over a year now. I NEVER dedicate myself to something that long. Oooookays! I'll see you all on Christmas! May the battle of intensely long comments commence!

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Saturday, December 9, 2006

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I'm in Reno right now, and I'm not the only one, because... Angels & Airwaves are playing at the GSR tomorrow... AND I'M GOING! YAY! ...With great shame I admit that I am a concert virgin. ;-; Lesseee, what else in new in my world? Hm, new favorite bands: Red Hot Chili Peppers and (+44). Oh yes, remember ol' backpack lady? Well, her friend got one too- the Yuki and Shuichi one- and the Kumagoro patch. Me's so jealous. It was about the time I found out that I started to regret having spent my last 25 bucks on AVA tickets. XP Alicia's a closet Nittle Grasper fan! That was a victory in my book. I remember the first time Sierra (*sniff*) and I tried to force Gravitation on her she was mega weirded out, but now she says she wants to give it another go. Another victory! Of course, it's highly likely that she's just doing it so she has a clue what Tonya and I are talking about at lunch. *sigh* Poor emo Alicia. XD But she's decided already that she'll be our Sakano. I think she has a Sakano-san fetish. ^^ Hm, today was odd... this girl name Christy in our grade, who dated one of my best friends from elementary school (yeah, that'd make her a lesbian), and who up until this point I was convinced totally hated the living daylights out of me... came up to me in the hall, said "hey babe," and hugged me. I was like... what... the... fudge? At least I get this whole weekend to not wonder about it. ^^; I leave you now with a coupla YouTubes Tonya forced on me. "You like her." "No I don't." "You like her." "No I don't." "You like her." "SO DO YOU!" XD

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Monday, November 27, 2006

I think my Ryu's gone craaaazy

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Fuck. ...I've gone about a week now without angsting out now. Well, that shiny streak didn't last... As I told a couple of my friends already, I totally wigged out over lunch today. I really think I'm going crazy. I just snapped. About 16 dizzy spells and exactly 4 Tylenols later, I came to the conclusion that my subconscious rejects being happy. Crap, I have nothing to be miserable about. But for some reason being happy just feels wrong--like I shouldn't be. Jesus, am I a masochist, or am I just going insane? Plus, I've been having severely-messed-up dream syndrome yet again. That's never a good sign. *sigh* I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm a wreck. I need a hug... or a drink... I really don't know which... (On a lighter note: I just found out TOKYOPOP will be legally translating Gravitation II; they'll be released in February. That cheered me up a little, but now I have to save a bunch of manga monies na no da.)

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Sunday, November 26, 2006

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Hiiiiiiiiiii everyone! Woo! My hyper streak continues! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY... why, you wonder yet again, is she so wound up? Where does she draw her boundless energy from? WELL! In truly un-mommish fashion, mi madre is letting me skip school and stay here tomorrow. Paranoia's hissing "ULTERIOR MOTIVE!" at me; reason (or lack thereof) is screaming "EXTENDED WEEKEND!" And today I allegedly worked on my Frankenstein essay while in truth poring over Gravitation fanfiction. WHEEEEEEEEEE! (While we're on the topic, Pianissimo Butterfly is incredible. Depressing, yes, but incredible.) AND, last night my dad let me do a Pina Colada Jell-o shot. It was delicious! Heh heh heh... that makes it my second drink in a week right under the eyes of my parents. I'm gettin' lucky. :3 AAAAAAAAAAAND, I got to talk to my dearest Le-kun-san! He always makes for a fun conversation. ^^ So that's me! Mistress Manic Depression! ^______^ (am I getting annoying yet? Aren't you starting to miss the depressing angsty me?)

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

Konbanwa!

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Ello, everyone! It's currently 10:56 PM Reno time under fair skies and calm winds, and I couldn't be happier tonight! You ask, Why, pray tell? Well, to be honest... I HAVE NO FUCKIN' CLUE! You know that feeling when you're half-asleep from eating nothing but turkey for 48 hours and somehow 13 hours of sleep doesn't suffice and then you're half asleep yet hyped up on Starbucks? I LOVE IT! Nyahahahahaaaaaaaaaa! I swear to high I'm not God! Hahaha! Ha! Ha... So last night (was Thanksgiving just last night? Shit) my mom let me have some wine for the "first" (translation: what she doesn't know won't hurt her) time. Well, really, it was my first time with a red wine. How fun and shiny! ...eh, I think I like white zin better, though. So Sierra'll be gone by Sunday. You know, in a strange way it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. That's life, people come and go. So let's just love em to death while they're still around! My life is from here on out a strictly non-regret zone! "The past is only the future with the lights on." Can I get an amen? WHOOOOOOO, Don't you guys love me when I'm not depressed and have drunk 3 frappucinos and a Monster in quick succession? Huh? Huh? No? Oh. Me neither. XP From lovely Track 62 of the unreleased Gravitation tracks. BOW TO MURAKAMI-SAMA! BOW!!! Mmmkay, that's all for me. DON'T DO DRUGS!

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