Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Half-day! *breakdances*

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I want to sincerely apologize for the way I've been acting these last few days. Everything that's going on is my fault and my problem alone. It was selfish of me to involve you, my friends, in it. It's just hard, sometimes, to go it alone. But this is my problem and I'm sorry if I worried you at all. I know I'm a confusing person sometimes. How was I expecting adequate advice if I refuse to tell you what's going on? It was wrong of me. And to answer XanthiaRose's comment... it's not as simple as just apologizing. These wounds run much deeper. And even if I wanted to apologize, I couldn't. I mean, it would be physically impossible. Those doors have already closed behind me and have been closed for over a year. And now I'm going off again. Sorry. I'll stop now. ^^ <~~~See? Happy. Today was a half-day (hallelujah)and I had my finals in Science and Tech... I finished my tech final in like five minutes but the fricking internet was down! I was so pissed! So yeah. And then... well, then my day took a turn for the worst because I am DESTINED to never have an OK day. My friend Sierra- one of my few friends I can actually consider a real friend- has a boyfriend now. It bugs me so much. I'm not jealous, of course. All the guys in my school are 110% fucktards. It's just that... I don't know. It's like I realized just how different my life really is than everyone else's. I pretty much sacrificed my childhood. I missed out on so much that everyone else got to do, those rites of passages that come with being a teenager. Not that I regret it. Rather, I feel lucky that I skipped all that. I'm glad my life was never that superficial. It's just kind of weird to me how they all can think they know life when I've seen so much more- for better and for worse- than any of them, you know? And what bugs me more is that Sierra didn't tell me about it. I heard it through this girl in my history class that Sierra doesn't even like. I can't believe she didn't tell me... but it's fine. I'm used to being just an afterthought, anyway. In fact, "afterthought" pretty much summarizes my life. "Oh, no point in telling Bonnie. It's not like she really needs to know." "Oh, I know we should wait for Bonnie before going to lunch, but she won't care. She'll find us.""Oh, I'm sure Bonnie will buy me lunch. And you know what? I won't even bother paying her back. She won't mind." I'm never going to be most important in anyone's book; I accept that. I accept the way this life is. But that doesn't necessarily mean I like it. Oh, another thing. I asked Sierra why it is she didn't tell me and she said it was because of the way I've been acting lately. So I was wrong. So someone did notice. But you know what? She didn't do a damn thing to try and comfort me. She knew I was suffering and she just let me suffer. Don't I have absolutely AMAZING friends? (note major sarcasm.) Tomorrow is our Spanish final... oh yeah! I forgot to say that on Monday we were playing Scrabble in Spanish (so we could only use spanish words) and I put down the word "Tohma" and because Regina's a moron at Spanish she didn't challenge it. It was so fun! xD

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