Monday, April 10, 2006

Hate me today...

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made And like a baby boy I never was a man Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!” Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I heard this song on the way home today and I just had to post the lyrics up here. It pretty much sums up my mood of the day. I can't help feeling like I need to be hated... I don't want sympathy or pity. I don't deserve it. All this shit I keep bitching about is my fault. I caused everything to happen... all I can ever do is hurt people and I expect you to tell me I'm a good person. I'm not. I deserve to be hated. Today, we went to the zoo. Yes. The mother fucking zoo. Absolutely exilharating. Walking around in the blaring sunlight (just a little piece of irony considering it's been half past freezing up here until today) with no one but some grandparents and a 16-year old brother. Having your fanny pack-clad grandmother stop every 10 fucking minutes to go to the bathroom, every time asking if you need to go as well. Eyeballing creatures who are every bit as trapped as I am... sometimes I think I'M a zoo exhibit, and the world is an animal trainer. Bonnie, roll over. Bonnie, be a genius. Bonnie, end world hunger. Good girl. Look, mommy! The Bonnie got straight A's! We went to another mall today, and this one was like a trillion times better than the last one. I was 110% pissed though because I spent all my money at the last mall and we get to this one and the Sam Goody is going out of business and everything's 60% off and they have anime galore for less than 10 bucks... and I had no cash. WHY does this stuff happen to me? Well, I'm off, I have to go hate myself... see you tomorrow.

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