Friday, May 12, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times but somehow I want more I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved She will be loved Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you are I know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I don't mind spending everyday Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved And she will be loved Please don't try so hard to say goodbye... Maroon 5: She Will Be Loved. It was our song. Mine and Jason's, I mean. But I never called him by first name... to me he was always Locke. To other people it seems like such a happy song... but I cried everytime I heard it. I guess it's a reflex reaction for me by now, because I still cry when I hear it. And today, the song has even more meaning.... Tomorrow's his birthday, you know that? He'll be 19... I can't help but wonder what he's doing. He wanted me to be happy... well, happy birthday, Locke. I fulfilled your last wish... I'm happy. I'll let you all in on a secret... I was planning to end it this year. To die. I would have done it sooner, after I left him. It was a crushing hurt... I didn't want to live anymore. But... I held on. Ever since I was a child, something appealed to me about the age 14. I was convinced that was the year when everything would change. So I lived out the rest of my thirteenth year in total monotony. It was maddening... nothing changed. I had nothing but the memories and they were slowly pulling me into insanity. So I made a promise to myself the day I turned 14: that if nothing changed by my next birthday, I'd end it all. And... I was convinced that was the way it would end up. But things did change finally. Just not in the way I expected. It all happened at once... my mom drinks, my stepdad constantly yells at her, I never see my brother because he's always at work, and, alas, I'm in love again. I... didn't mean what I said last time. Love... it doesn't always have to be bad. But you can hardly blame me for being jaded after all I've done... you can't blame me for being insecure. It was once said that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... I really have a hard time believing that. The reason I'm afraid to love is because I know it could never last forever... I'm scared to let go. Absolutely terrified. But... despite my insecurities, despite my cynicism, I hope that you'll still love me, Tohma... ...because I love you. More than you could guess. You're the one I was always thinking about... you're the reason I'm still alive. You gave me a reason to live. Just like before, I was satisfied with the atrocity of real life when I knew I could come home and talk to you... it was that thought alone that kept me going. I'd say you mean the world to me, but that's an understatement... you are my life. You can understand why I'd be terrified to be without you. Like that time you nearly quit MyO? I was absolutely petrified. After having you around for so long... I couldn't bear being without you. Because I love you. I promised myself I wouldn't make this mistake again... that I wouldn't allow myself to fall in love like this again. But in your case... I'd do anything. I'd break any promise. You're special to me... and this time it's different. There are no lies between us. I can tell you anything. This time I have nothing to hide... this time it's not a love doomed to failure. Maybe it's time to let go of that skeptic side of me. Maybe it's time to restore my faith in that whole "love conquers all" mantra... it'd be worth it for you. I love you.

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