Thursday, July 6, 2006

Let's make memories ___________ Backroom Leave your memory Remember me Message me My memories

So... I'm going to be gone the next few days. Family's renting a cabin up in god knows where. Normally I'd be all... rawr about the idea but I guess I kind of need to get away anyway. Even if it is with my parents. Just a couple days of not being able to think about how majorly everything's fucked up... sounds great. But then, it'll probably end up being the only thing I think about. God, send me into a coma, please. I don't want to think anymore. So I went out to dinner with my brother last night... if you can consider In-and-Out burgers "out". It was nice. I haven't been around him for more than two minutes at a time in about a month, so it was great to just be able to talk. For what it's worth, my brother understands me better than anyone else. I love him to death, even if he single-handedly destroyed my family. It's fine. It's their fault anyway for never accepting him. So... I've got to be going now. I'll be back in a few days, I guess. Have a nice weekend, everyone. Oh. The following is for Tohma's eyes only because PMs have a tendency to suck. Anyone else attempting to read will probably end up confused and with a severe headache. So don't try. Just keep scrolling to the bottom, let's move it along... Um... if I was expecting any sort of response from you, it probably wasn't this. Look... you said it was easier when we were just friends, but it wasn't so for me. I had to spend every day of my life agonizing over my feelings, constantly treading the line of should-I-tell-her-or-shouldn't-I. Then when we got together... I got my hopes up. That was my fatal mistake. I just... I was so happy with you that I took it for granted... I assumed it'd last forever. I wanted it to. I still do. I want to be with you every minute of my life. Never once have I wanted otherwise. I was never smart enough to think ahead, to think that it might not turn out that way. How could I? For the first time in my life, I had a realistic dream. It all seems so possible, so palpable. To just let it all go when it was all within my grasp... you can understand why I'd never want to let go. I don't want to go through that ever again... having to let go of your dreams, especially when it's as real as this one. This isn’t my little twelve-year-old-first-love-first-heartbreak all over again. This was so much more to me, because I was so sure it would work out. The fact that I ruined it like this just because I took you for granted... it kills me. Again, you say it's easier just as friends... but I know that's not true. I know from experience. Friends fade with time, especially if they were once something more. I never want that to happen. I'd regret it if I let it happen. So I'm not going to. I'm not going to call this the end. You asked me to tell you what it is I want from you. I don't want you to apologize. I just want you to love me. To tell me that you do. That's it.

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